Ever wake up, and it’s already a bad day? I mean, you are irritated the moment you open your eyes, and there is no logical reason. Generally, for me, it’s because my blood sugar is too low. But, this day in particular, my brain was just upset that I had to adult, do all the things expected of me, and couldn’t stay in the comfort of my warm bed. Recently my teenager and I talked about how as a kid she hated naps and would throw fits about going to bed, and now as a teen, all she wants to do is nap. Ha! Funny how life comes full circle.

Recently I have found that if I don’t write things down before bed those troubles are still swirling around when I wake up. I have held on to feelings that needed to be felt, processed, and then RELEASED for years. But due to my stubborn streak, I have refused to allow that to happen. Taking the time to work through old hurts and pain is a difficult process. It is important to work, but no one tells you how exhausting it is. Retraining your brain to remain calm in times of struggle or when triggered by things in your past is a full-time job.

If you struggle with PTSD, you know, or maybe I am the first to tell you, but unfortunately, it will always be a part of your daily life. It doesn’t matter how much personal or medical work we do. The adverse events of our past changed the way our brains view the current world. Trauma actually changes the chemistry of the brain. Staying on top of the psychological work becomes a daily mindset of setting healthy boundaries with yourself and those you encounter. Learning how to be assertive with others about your needs. This is of course after first knowing what those are and then allowing yourself to be recognized as a person who deserves time, attention, and affection. Juggling all of this while balancing your body’s limit for the BS life throws at us on any given day. Who am I kidding? At any given moment, am I right?

You must find a release for all the pent-up emotions. Exercise, journaling, a hobby. For me, running has always been my happy place. My headphones are on high, pounding the pavement while the music bumps in my chest. That has been my go-to when it comes to needing stress or emotional relief. 1 mile turned into 13. Whole-body exhaustion and the high from all those endorphins make me feel invincible. Becoming one with the music, for me, takes my mind off the pain my legs feel. I had a coach that always told me its ‘Mind over matter’ to which I thought he was crazy, I wish I had to opportunity to thank him for that guidance at this point in my life.

One of the mot effective ways to retrain your brain is through EMDR therapy. Rapid eye movement while thinking of a traumatic memories and simultaneously moving your body. Running with music has become my version of EMDR therapy. After my first few sessions in the office I took the the trails. I heard the lyrics, felt them, and could cry it out. This modality has helped me to process emotions in a much healthy way. Anything is more helpful than holding it in. Don’t do that shit! It will eat you alive.

**EMDR should not be dabbled with unless you are under the care of a qualified professional. One needs to be taught and experience what happens in the early sessions under the care of a therapist to start the brain rewiring process. Once you gain control of your body and know how your brain will react, do what works best for you.

The following is from very early on in my healing journey. I wasn’t sure I would or should share these words with anyone, let alone put them here for all the world to see. Then a dear friend heard my story and I was reminded that so many are struggling and need to see what others’ rock bottom looks like. There is always hope. There is always a way to rebuild yourself. Learning to regain your inner confidence and move forward. On the outside, it’s sometimes hard to see what others are dealing with—the burdens they carry. Sharing our stories and experiences can change others’ lives. Don’t be afraid to share your story. If those who hurt you mark you as the villain for speaking your truth, they should have treated you better.

So, here are my thoughts from a morning run in the wet season known as spring in the Northeast.

Why me? Didn’t I give enough? Didn’t the people closest to me know I would have given anything to see them happy? I have exhausted myself to be perfect in every aspect of my life. Yet do I even know what happiness is? As a child, I was taught by my parents that giving 100% of your attention to others was how you gained love. Sacrificing myself was how I was physically ‘seen’ as a child.

How did I get here? How did my life become so undone, messy, and uncontrollable? How do I even function when I am doing everything for everyone at the expense of myself? I feel like Dorothy in the middle of the tornado. I need to plant my feet and forge a new path. But how do I even begin to do that? I am completely in foreign territory.

This new life was scary and not something I wanted to do. Why was I given this situation? What am I going to learn from it? I missed my old life. The one I dreamed about from childhood. The only escape I had as a child was thinking of how much better my life would be. How I would be better than them, how I would show my children I loved them unconditionally and that I would always be there for them. Looking back over the last 20 years, it wasn’t perfect, and that’s ok. The last 9 were perfect for me. Or so I thought. I had a partner who I thought loved me to my core. Who I had been open and raw with. Who had stayed and held me through the toughest of nights. Just as quickly as they forced themself into my life they removed themselves. This new life I was pushed into was unfamiliar and very uncomfortable.

I missed the unit we built. The closeness. My excitement at seeing those faces and the safety I felt in their little arms. Replaying past moments has been like riding a roller coaster at the amusement park. Very emotional.

Keep running, your legs are burning, the tears are running, don’t stop now.

There were many moments when I thought it wasn’t suitable for me, and yet I didn’t want to be away from them. Despite all the trials and turbulence, I forced myself only to see the good. I often sacrificed my own needs to keep them happy. Why couldn’t you break the cycle? Why couldn’t you just put yourself first? I am frequently thinking of the quiet alone time—the little things. The vacations are in the middle of nowhere. The laughter. The acceptance. The stolen kisses and the smiles. Those should have shown you what you deserved. Those moments should have been enough to show you your worth and your ability to create what you’d always dreamed about.

Why do I feel like it was a dream? I don’t know if I will ever honestly know what was real and what was an act.

Lying was so natural for them. Were we all lying to each other or just ourselves? It makes my heart ache.

Why now? After everything we had achieved and walked through together. I was finally settling in and becoming confident. Pleased and comfortable with our relationship, our life, my body.

Why them? Why expose our little souls to this horrific life experience? All of this could have been reconciled in a much more loving tone, like adults. Why allow trauma to happen when it could have been avoided or prevented with effective

communication?

Keep running girl, don’t give up now. Feel that burning in your body, you are alive, you have lives through all this pain. You can make it, just keep going.

My answers.

I can handle this. I am learning valuable skills. I’ve also learned undeniable truths about those in my life.

I am becoming a better person for these struggles. A healthy version of who I always wanted to be.

I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I was neglecting the most important thing in this life, ME. Had things continued for much longer, who knows what would have happened? The past was taken over, I allowed that trauma to invade the happiness I had strived for. These struggles are what make you stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Most importantly, you are not alone in many of these life experiences I’ve had the privilege to live through. It was time for me to use the strong voice I was blessed with to help others who were also struggling in silence.

Sweet girl, no more hiding from the outside world. Confidently stand in the light and let your brilliant light shine from within. You never know who is using your story and inner light as their only glimmer of hope.

Take the time to read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Make new connections. Take the time for yourself. Become the best and most authentic version of yourself that you’ve always wanted to be.

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.

You will reach the top of the mountain as long as you don’t give up and take it one step at a time. Just keep thinking of the breathtaking sunset from that mountaintop.

– No matter what level of the rebuilding process you are in, you are not alone.