I feel most like myself when I can be comfortable around people. The silly, sassy, giddy self that makes all my anxiety and worries disappear. Trusting other people has never been easy for me, if I am being honest with myself I don’t know if I will ever fully trust another person again.

I never actually learned how to trust those who walk into my life. If past experiences are what I have to go on, there isn’t a single person that can fully be trusted. They all did what they had to do to get what they wanted and didn’t seem to bother with the pain they may have caused others—pure selfishness. When push came to shove, they always chose themselves.

I believe knowing how to trust is how we begin learning to love. No one taught me what love is or what it means, how to adequately love those or be loved by those in my life. That wasn’t something I learned until I had my own children. More on them later. Maybe.

Now before you think…

‘gosh, this girl is jaded. Life isn’t all bad. People aren’t all bad, and some can be incredible.’

Logically yes, I agree with you. But, when I take time to reflect on this life, more importantly, the life I have experienced over the last few years the actions of those I grew up with educated me differently. And when I say those I grew up with, I mean over the last forty years. I am just know feeling like an adult. Healing a broken inner childhas given me the ability to feel like a productive adult. Only a handful of people in my life were kind, honest, and genuine. The maority showed me that I was replaceable and, even more, that I was worthless to them.

I have recently begun to understand that growing up a child of abusive parents has long-lasting effects. Now before you scratch your head and wonder why it’s taken me so long to realize that, let me let you in on a secret.

As parents, we might not understand that what we are doing, our parenting style, and the way we were raised, could be hurting our children’s mental health.

Parenting is generally a cycle that you continue from how your parents raised you. Many of us grow up vowing to do parenting differently. To be better than what we had. You can break the mold. It’s not easy work, you have to dare to be different.

It’s a daily conscious decision to be a better parent than you might have had. Time to think outside the box. Each of your children needs a different version of you. If you think I am wrong, there are oodles of books that will back me up. Take a trip to the bookstore for some much-deserved quality quiet time.

They may need a different version of you at different stages in their development. Mind-blowing. I know. We have to grow up with our children. Even if you’ve been a parent many times over, each child is different and requires a different set of personal and emotional ideals to be come the best versions of themselves.

It’s our job as parents to listen, be available, and be willing to set aside our wants and ideals to help these little individuals grow to be the best version of who they are. Read that last statement again if you need it. We are NOT to make them into mini versions of ourselves. Don’t push your desires on your children, it will only push them away.

I’m not suggesting you allow your children to become savages; on the contrary.

Teach boundaries and respect for others as well as for themselves. Teach self-discipline and emotional regulation. Most of all, always express a willingness to have an open mind and understanding, this is achievable with honest acceptance and unconditional love.

Let me give you a little background on who I am.

I was born to a narcissist. Abandoned by my biological father as soon as he found out about me, or at least that is what my parents always told me. And then ‘saved’ by a narcissist who chose to marry my mother ‘because of me.’ – Whatever that means.

I was an only child who desperately wanted to feel love and acceptance for the messy, sassy, and free-thinking spirit I was. My parents conditioned me from a young age to strive for perfection in every aspect of life. I had to conform to their set of ideals to gain their love and affection. If I didn’t do the right thing, say the right thing, or think the right way, I was neglected and punished. Either physically abused or ignored.

They set me up for failure from the very start. Leaving me with the lasting realization that my best, who I was at my core, would never be good enough for anyone, EVER.

I grew into a detached young adult who spent my days trying to fill a void that never could be filled—relationship after relationship that always ended in confusion and pain.

Why? Because I didn’t love myself.

I was never adequately taught how.

I felt more like a shiny accessory than a person. When my light would become dull because of self-doubt, or I began to feel comfortable around others and act like my true self, the fear of rejection took over. The open-minded and unable-to-be-silenced version of myself very rarely showed. The person I was, was inevitably replaced with someone else, someone who would always do what was expected of her. Someone afraid to say no to others.

Listen,

those of you who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments know that one can only be controlled by others for so long.

Once you learn the behavior patterns and see that you are manipulated into living a certain way, you tend to become rebellious.

Thankfully my eyes were opened when I moved out on my own.

I will talk about therapy a lot in this blog. But only because I spent years running from it. Oddly enough, therapists have been the ones who have shown me kindness, empathy, and even love.

I’ve had to pay people to show me basic human rights. Things the family I was born into should have given freely and didn’t.

All of these actions are free, by the way. And it cost zero to be a kind person to others. There are so many Good and decent people in the world who show others every day simple dignity and respect.

It took me years, a whole lot of running from myself, but finally, I am allowing the facade to come down and being raw in therapy helped me find my true self. Please don’t get me wrong; therapy was complex. I went through my fair share of ‘guides,’ mainly because I wasn’t fully ready to commit to, and admit that, I needed the help. That I have recently learned, is a very toxic trait children of abuse carry on with them. The ingrained understanding is that you have to do everything on your own or you are in some way less than others or weak.

Absolutely NOT TRUE.

Self-reflection and self-acceptance have shown me that the person I am was molded from all the abuse, trauma, and pain, she is incredible.

She is gorgeous. Inside and out.

Much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Such a fighter, not only because I’ve always had to be. But because I was born to be.

Now, to put down those gloves, stop fighting with myself, and love who I am and who I’ve become, that’s a chapter I soon hope to write.

I only felt love for the first time the moment I heard my children’s heartbeats—the overwhelming emotion when I saw that tiny little blip on the screen. I’d never known the true meaning of the word. My heart didn’t understand the emotions when they handed each to me for the first time. I was in awe.

My childhood experiences showed me that love didn’t exist because, at some point, the other party always hurts you or leaves. Thankfully I have been blessed that I have felt from my children the love and acceptance I didn’t get as a child. They have proven to me every day that love is an action, and it’s more abundant when shared with others.

Therapy helped me see that I have done that as their mother. I taught them how to love. Unconditionally.

I have tried to teach them how to be forgiving and kind. The universe knows they have forgiven me for more than I deserve. They know I am not perfect, and they still love me.

Watching me overcome my struggles they know we are all messy, and having faults is okay. They know Love doesn’t come with a price tag. It’s not the quantity of things you have; it’s the quality of time and the people you choose to spend it with that matter more.

If I can let my hair down, dance, and enjoy a good belly laugh around you, that’s when you know you have the best version of me. Recently I have decided that Success looks like laughs, wrinkles, gray hair, and sitting by the fire still holding hands. Watching the family I’ve built play in the backyard.

I pray that someday the universe sends me a love defying the laws of gravity. Something, and someone to grab ahold of, and it won’t ever let me go. Until then, I will continue to learn how to heal and most importantly love myself.

– Peace be with you, my friend. We are all on a journey. Try to enjoy every moment.