If you had told me that I’d be drafting an application for my happily ever after at this stage in life, I would’ve laughed (probably while wearing a poufy wedding dress and trying to avoid smudging my waterproof mascara).

Fast forward two divorces, a few questionable dating app disasters (one man tried to sell me a timeshare mid-salad), and enough therapy to get my therapist a new kitchen remodel — and here we are. Still dreaming of my fairy tale ending, but now armed with a sharper sense of humor and a robust emergency chocolate stash.

So, here it is. My official Application for a Happily Ever After.

Name: The woman formerly known as “Mrs. Right-Now.” Also responds to “Mom,” “Ma’am,” and “Queen of Overthinking.” (1)

Age: Old enough to know better, young enough to still believe “brunch cocktails” count as self-care. (2)

Hobbies and Interests: (3)

Laughing at my own jokes (because someone has to, and I’m consistent)

Overwatering houseplants so they don’t die of loneliness.

Rewatching rom-coms and providing loud commentary.

Buying self-help books I will absolutely skim and then use as nightstand decor.

What are you looking for?

A man who doesn’t run for the hills when I mention “deep emotional conversations,” loves spontaneous dance parties, and understands that “quality time” sometimes involves sitting silently while we both scroll TikTok on separate ends of the couch. (4)

Bonus points if he:

✔️ Laughs at my dad jokes

✔️ Can open jars without dislocating his shoulder

✔️ Doesn’t list “crypto investor” as his main job

Describe your ideal day together:

We wake up naturally (translation: no shrieking phone alarms), have slow coffee in bed, take a walk pretending we’re outdoorsy people, eat something delicious and preferably smothered in cheese, and then get cozy on the couch for a Netflix marathon. We end the day splitting ice cream straight from the tub and debating whether pineapple belongs on pizza. (5)

What baggage are you bringing?

Two divorces, an impressive collection of emotional growth moments, and a heart that’s still willing to believe in magic. Comes with matching luggage and a few funny horror stories. (6)

What does “happily ever after” mean to you?

Not a white horse (I’m allergic) or glass slippers (I have wide feet, don’t judge). My happily ever after is a partner who picks me every day — through ugly-cry movie nights, bloated “PMS weeks,” and all my phases of trying new hobbies. Someone who makes me feel safe, loved, and a little bit like the lead in a cheesy rom-com.

If I’ve learned anything from my two previous “season finales,” it’s that love is equal parts messy, hilarious, and absolutely worth another shot.

So yes, I’m still a hopeless romantic — just one who keeps Tums and dry shampoo in her purse and has a lawyer on speed dial (just in case). I still believe in fairy tales, but mine now includes plot twists, comedic side characters, and a heroine who knows how to rescue herself.

Here’s to my (and your) application for a happily ever after — may it come with fewer red flags, more green flags, and someone who looks at us like we’re the last slice of cheesecake on earth.

Cheers to love, second (or third) chances, and never giving up on writing your own damn fairytale.

Footnotes

1 “Queen of Overthinking” is currently self-appointed, but I’m accepting nominations.

2 Age is just a number… until your back starts making mysterious noises every time you stand up.

3 At least they make me look cultured when people visit.

4 Relationship experts might call this “parallel play.” I call it “peak modern romance.”

5 Correct answer: pineapple on pizza is an abomination (fight me).

6 Emotional baggage now includes free snacks and frequent flyer miles.

-🦩