We grew up on the same story: find “the one,” settle down, live happily ever after. Fairy tales, romantic comedies, even Instagram hashtags make it seem like monogamy is the ultimate goal—and that if you can’t do it, something’s wrong with you.

But what if that’s not the whole truth? What if some people aren’t wired for lifelong exclusivity, and it has nothing to do with being “bad” or “unfaithful”? The reality is more complex than the happily-ever-after script. Let’s talk about why some men and women just can’t seem to stay in a monogamous lane—and why that might be okay.

1. Our Brains Weren’t Exactly Built for It

From an evolutionary standpoint, humans have two conflicting drives: one to pair up for stability, and another to spread our genes far and wide. Historically, men benefitted from having multiple partners to increase chances of reproduction, while women needed stable partnerships for protection and resources. Those old instincts didn’t just disappear because we invented wedding rings.

2. Attachment Styles Play a Big Role

Ever heard of attachment theory? If someone grew up with inconsistent love, they might develop an avoidant attachment style, making them feel trapped in committed relationships. On the flip side, people with anxious attachment might cling too tightly and still fear abandonment—sometimes sabotaging relationships in the process.

3. We Love That “New Relationship Energy”

You know that spark when you first meet someone—the butterflies, the late-night texts, the can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other phase? That’s dopamine flooding your brain. The problem? It fades. For some people, when that buzz wears off, so does their interest. They start chasing that high again… with someone new.

4. Society and Culture Shape Us

Here’s something interesting: in cultures where monogamy is the only accepted way, cheating rates can actually be higher. Why? Because people feel trapped, and secrecy becomes the outlet. In more open-minded cultures where people can define their own rules, there’s often less cheating because the expectations are clear.

5. Unmet Needs Lead to Wanderlust

When emotional or physical needs aren’t met in a relationship, some people look elsewhere. That doesn’t excuse dishonesty, but it explains why honest conversations about needs, desires, and boundaries matter so much.

6. Personality and Values Matter, Too

Some people just thrive on novelty. They’re wired to crave excitement and spontaneity. Others value freedom over stability. If you’re that kind of person, strict monogamy might feel like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

So… Is Monogamy Dead?

Not at all. Plenty of people make it work beautifully. But the key is honesty—with yourself and with your partner. If you know exclusivity isn’t for you, own that. If it is, communicate what you need to feel secure and fulfilled. At the end of the day, relationships don’t come with a one-size-fits-all rulebook.

What do you think—are humans really meant to be monogamous, or is it just a story we’ve been told? Drop your thoughts in the comments. Let’s start the conversation.

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