In the corners of my heart, where our memories reside, there lies a treasure trove of moments by your side. Each memory is a gem, glistening with love, reminders of the precious times we shared, hand in tiny hand.
I remember the laughter, like music in the air, the way your smile filled the room, oh so rare. We danced in the moonlight, beneath a starry sky, lost in each other’s arms, a love we couldn’t deny.
Through seasons that passed, like chapters in a book, our memories grew, like roots that firmly took. In springtime, we walked hand in hand, embracing the beauty of nature’s divine command.
Summer brought us warmth and adventures untold, and we explored new horizons; our love continues to unfold. From the ocean’s embrace to the sand between our toes, we are forever etched in my mind as this love story grows.
Autumn painted the world in hues of gold; our love, like the changing leaves, beautifully unfolds. We carved our initials on trees as a symbol of forever, promising to cherish these memories now and forever.
As winter arrived, with its cold and frost, we found warmth in each other, no matter the cost. Cozy movie nights by the fire, wrapped in love’s embrace, creating memories that time could never erase.
Even as the seasons changed and time passed, our memories blossomed like a beautiful love song. They remind me of the joy we shared, the pure happiness, and even though those days are gone, these memories endure.
So I hold onto them tightly, like treasures of gold, they keep you alive in my heart’s stronghold. For in my memories, you’ll forever stay, a part of my soul, in every single way.
My memories of you while you were little are a gift I will keep; through tears and laughter, they will forever seep. As I reminisce, I find solace anew in the beautiful life of my memories still left to have with you.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
I have always forgiven those who have wronged me, even if deep down I felt it wasn’t the right decision. Even though I have been able to forgive those in my life, I have had a much harder time forgiving myself.
In my soul-searching journey, I have realized the inability to forgive myself stems from wanting to be accepted and loved by those I care deeply about. I have tried so hard to be perfect for those around me that it nearly took my life.
The pursuit of perfection isn’t something that can be accomplished unless you are striving for perfection in the eyes of the lord.
Over the last year, I have realized that not everyone deserves forgiveness and I am no less of a person for choosing to not allow those who hurt me back into my life. One must strive for peace in all things, even if this means walking away from those you onced loved or cared for.
I am like many people who are over-critical of every move they make. I know now that’s from years of childhood abuse that has always been just under the surface. I have become a master at putting on a smile while I am breaking apart inside, in order to not be a burden to others.
It’s a very lonely place to live.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that if you surround yourself with people who care about your character and personal growth you can not be a burden in any way. These people are willing to walk the straight and narrow path with you, holding your hand during the trials and enjoy celebrating your accomplishments.
The more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.
Confucius
Take the time to look back over your past and learn from the mistakes you made.
Looking through the lens of a different perspective you will gain healthy insight as to the way things in your past happened. Notice the patterns. Fix what may be broken within you. We are all humans who are hard-wired to make mistakes and none of us will ever be absolutely perfect.
Recall past perseverance and how you accomplished the impossible. You can do this!
Take a step, even just a small one. One small step forward every morning. Lead with your heart, no matter how ragged and torn it may be. It still beats in your chest, giving you purpose and infinite possibilities.
Set a reasonable pace. Don’t rush yourself. Give yourself grace. Understand there will be setbacks, and you will want to give up. These are part of the process. Keep going.
Try other solutions. We know Rome wasn’t built in a single day, and you can imagine they made mistakes that needed to be fixed. Try not to get discouraged with your progress or lack thereof. Think outside the box, restart from where you are, and move forward one day at a time.
Be patient and give things time. The universe will provide, all in due time.
Just keep going (even if it’s only in your mind). Grateful from the moment you put your feet on the floor. Pain tells us we are alive, and we become stronger and more knowledgeable due to our experience.
“Fall seven times and stand up eight.” – Japanese Proverb
Forgiveness has always been something I was proud that I was able to accomplish. That was until I realized I was doing it all wrong. I always allowed others to treat me poorly, and I would internalize their words and believe that there was a fundamental flaw in who I was as a person. I would then allow that person to stay in my life and continue to use me as their punching bag when they needed to release hate, anger, and toxicity. Years of swallowing my pride, silencing my voice, and changing who I was to fit into the picture that other people wanted me to be.
Recently I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness. Did you know you are not supposed to sacrifice yourself for others? You can hold anger and resentment for how others treat you, regardless of whether you said anything at the moment. It is completely OK to not forgive someone for things they may have said or done to you.
Sometimes we have to forgive. Humans aren’t perfect, and we all have bad days. We have to learn to let stuff go. You most likely will never see the person in the grocery store who was grumpy again, so let that go. You will probably never cross paths with the guy who cut you off in traffic or the lady who gives you a nasty look in the clothing store, so let that stuff go. Lead with love. You can change people’s lives with just a smile.
Making sure to hold those closest to you accountable for their words and behavior, contrary to popular opinion, is, allowed and very much NEEDED to have a healthy relationship. Pushing others away, simply walking away, or putting distance between those closest to you is how healthy boundaries are created and maintained. Trust your gut! You do not have to be the emotional dumping ground for others. Those you’ve chosen to be lucky enough to get close to you should want to help your garden grow, not try and destroy it.
Forgiveness is a two-way street. Each party must admit fault, apologize sincerely, and avoid repeating the same behavior—three distinct efforts to save something, if it’s worth saving. Don’t be ashamed if you decide there is nothing to save. One can only allow hurt by others for so long before you have to choose peace.
We all have our timelines for forgiving someone. It does not need to happen overnight, and it may, in fact, take years. You must weigh all the options and know you are making the right decision for your heart. You may realize that forgiveness means walking away from the other person forever, and that is ok!
Be patient with those who prove they want you around. Their behavior will prove they are sorry for their toxic demeanor towards you. There are people out there who genuinely do love you, but remember, we are all carrying our baggage, and sometimes, inadvertently, we sling that at others. We all make mistakes, say and do things we regret; humans are incredibly messy, and each should be able to correct their errors.
How does one ask for or start the forgiving process?
Step one: Exoneration
Step two: Forbearance
Step three: Release
I repeat…Release: let it go!
Don’t hold on to the weight of past hurt and pain. The darkness will prevent you from seeing the wonders all around you.
What is the path to asking for forgiveness? – The following are things that can be done by an individual to be granted forgiveness:
Responsibility –
Take responsibility for the action. Your actions or behavior can hurt others even if you are not meaning to.
Regret –
This comes with having a conscience. Understand that some people may never regret any of their choices. You will have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
Repentance –
Find a way to make it better. This step doesn’t have to be grand gestures or expensive gifts; actions speak louder than words. Sometimes words are all that one needs. Hearing a regretful tone with an apology can make all the difference.
Reconcile –
This may not be possible. Understand it, accept it, and move on.
Restitution –
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we made people pay for their wrongdoings towards us? You can withhold time, I suppose. But holding the past hurts against someone actively trying to improve and move forward, may not be the best option. That type of behavior could require your own need for forgiveness.
Remember to go at your own pace. Hurt from others is a part of this life. It teaches us lessons about ourselves and our character. It shapes who we are, whether we like it or not.
We all carry the hurt from others. Some of us for years before we are willing and able to let go, with massive amounts of work before we are finally able to set it down and move forward.
loving, kind, and compassionate. Trusting. Eager. Pure hearted. Relentless in the pursuit of happiness.
Now…..
Emotionless, numb, and Empty.
A lack of desire to interact with others. Constantly on edge and suspicious.
People in this world can turn your heart into stone. This action changes your perceptions of the world around you and makes you second-guess your very experiences.
They are the problem, not you. Keep moving forward.
Photo Credit: LHJ He who walks in integrity and with moral character walks securely, But he who takes a crooked way will be discovered and punished. Proverbs 10:9
A compass helps you find your way if you happen to find yourself lost in the wilderness. Thanks to the magical magnetic pull, you will always know which way is proper north so that you can right yourself and find civilization.
Outdoor tip #1, ‘Don’t go out into the woods without your trusted compass.’
Now I am not a super religious individual. I have attended different churches on occasion and have always tried to live by the words I heard consistently as a child. ‘Treat others the way you would like to be treated.’ Due to this, I have learned that we, as humans, have what’s called a moral compass. A gift that is given to us all from the moment we take our first breath. Now there are some who actively ignore this inner guide. While others cannot deny its magnetic pull toward truthfulness.
Morals are your road map to help guide you through the right and wrong of this life based on past experiences. Hey question, does anyone know which Isle the moral compass is in at the sporting goods store?
I’ve got a few people who need a gift…
As a coach, I could watch athletes set goals and crush them in the same season. The moment they light up with excitement as they achieve a long-sought-after goal brings a sense of pride and accomplishment for helping to support them on their journey. Due to my love of people and for helping others succeed, I have had the pleasure of watching a lot of these moments happen firsthand. Watching others reach their full potential is pretty incredible.
I have gotten to know all sorts of people in this life so far, Saints, sinners, and so many in between. No one is perfect, and no one should strive to become perfect.
It is unattainable.
We all will inevitably make mistakes. We will lose our way, fall, and struggle to recover. What defines us in those moments? What shows our true character, is that some will either choose to right those wrongs or choose the easy way out and continue in the darkness.
For those who hit rock bottom and find their way back to the light, the work of betterment is never over. To actively make choices to become a better version of who they might want to become. The creation of a moral compass is reborn, and each day is an opportunity for them to live a much better life.
Those who don’t want to put in the work, are lost. Many without a direction, and destined to continue wandering in the wilderness. They will struggle with each interaction. Never fully regaining their sense of purpose and always searching for the next best thing.
If you haven’t taken the time to enjoy therapy, here is a free session with tips on finding your way back through the dark times.
Dependability.
How many of us can say we have people we can call on through thick and thin? If you do, you should consider yourself very lucky.
Most people these days are extraordinarily self-reliant and only think of themselves when it comes to being someone they can truly count on. For those who haven’t heard of the word dependability, it means that people can rely on you and that you will keep promises that you make to others. I had always thought that dependability and being family meant that being blood came with a responsibility to be dependable for those who you shared DNA with. That was a lie.
One I lived under for far too long. Pay attention to the character of those around you. Don’t allow yourself to be naive. Set boundaries, put yourself out there, and be there for those you care about without hesitation or Quid pro quo. Take the time to work on yourself and become the best version of yourself at any moment.
Loyalty.
In this day and age, it seems this word has been removed from the dictionary. People duck out of relationships or responsibility when they hit a rough patch. When things get hard, they lose interest and blot—jumping from relationship to relationship in search of something better.
Spoiler alert, they will never find what they desperately seek—the ability to be loyal starts from within.
You must know you are worthy of kindness, attention, and time from another to give those things without hesitation. Loyal people are standing by promises that are made, willing to weather any storm that may come due to unconditional love, understanding, and commitment.
Where are the people willing to put in the work and grow with another individual regardless of the ups and downs of life?
The people searching for a deep connection with another person?
I am starting to understand those who willingly take solace in the middle of the woods, throwing out the compass, and rejecting civilization as it currently exists. These are the happiest of individuals.
Honesty.
Living by one’s truth is never easy. Remembering to not willfully or willingly misinform or mislead people for your gain can be hard to stand by. Lying is like a spider web. All the many twists and turns may look beautiful to others, but as a fly, once you get stuck, there is no way out. Being honest can come at a cost. People will shun you for not following along with the facade and will try to blame you for anything that goes wrong. Stand firm in your truth.
Honesty doesn’t make you famous, but it will always lead you to the right side of any situation.
A few ways to guarantee this are by permitting yourself to be humble and happy with what the universe has already given you. Have confidence in what the universe will provide for you in the future, and trust something bigger than yourself. Always work hard for the things you want, and remember to be realistic that materialistic needs won’t necessarily bring you true happiness.
Good judgment.
Having good judgment starts with remembering what is right and wrong behavior. Are parents still teaching right from wrong anymore? The state of today’s youth proves that parents seem to have forgotten a step in the process. Why are parents so worried about being their children’s friends and not their parents? As parents, it is our job to guide and teach the younger generation how to adequately navigate the life experience ahead of them. Yet, some seem so wrapped up in making their children happy.
Children must always be given the ability to fail while they are young. They need to be allowed to think for themselves and form their own ideas and opinions. With the proper love and guidance, this is how they learn to survive in dark times. Suppose you didn’t grow up with rules that had to be followed, and there were no consequences when you messed up. Can you imagine how hard it would be when you are forced to live by rules that have life altering consequences?
This moral compass is an inner voice that helps us with our judgment. That uneasy feeling you get in your stomach, those sweaty palms, those ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ internal conflicts. Those are your brain’s way of alerting you to better judgment situations. People are not inherently evil; life events and maltreatment from others cause them to choose darkness.
Respect.
Treating others how we would like to be treated while asking for that exact treatment in return can be difficult. It starts with accepting others for who they are as a whole person. We are not all created to be the same, and yet we tend to surround ourselves with people who only think and feel the way we do.
“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
– Albert Einstein
As humans, there are things we all do that are similar. We all need nourishment, connection, and a sense of purpose. With these similarities there also come significant differences, many of which are beyond even our control. Try to remember that everyone has a heart beating in their chest. The same heart that beats while longing for approval, acceptance, and love.
Trust
Trust is an emotion, and this emotion is conquered when you look within yourself. Trusting oneself and overcoming life’s wealth of diversities has to happen before you can truly trust another person. Trust is built slowly, and for those who have been burned, it can take a long time for that foundation to be completed. If by chance you have been mistreated, give yourself grace in knowing that not all humans are created equal. You will find genuine people who will never intentionally hurt you. You can be open and there are others who will treat you with the utmost of care.
So what does all this mean…?
Living a life that positively
impacts those you encounter is not easy. There will be times when you are met with unsurmountable diversity and pain. Use your compass. Choosing to find the good in those moments and others is a skill that must be practiced. Use your compass. You must learn the art and act of forgiveness ( blog post coming soon). I’m not saying we all have to be perfect. That is entirely not possible. But, if we all consciously choose the correct behavior for each interaction, we will undoubtedly set a good example for those around us. Little eyes are always watching.
There will be bad days. Days when you don’t see the value in taking out your compass and allowing it to guide you. Days when walking away from civilization and into the wilderness sounds more appealing. Resist, at least for now.
“The truth shall make you free”
John 8:32
-lead with kindness, and everything else will fall into place.
Life is all about choices, but how does one take control of their own life when other people’s choices greatly affect how one chooses to live?
By not standing up for what you believe in it will allow your life to unravel. Before long, you won’t even recognize who you are.
Losing everything, whether that’s having it taken from you or being pushed out of your comfort zone and away from it, is sometimes the only way to finally find your true self.
True happiness in life isn’t achieved with stuff. It’s about the people and experiences you surround yourself with.
The you that you think you are as a child and adolescent will change as you experience life. That change will either be painful or pleasant, it’s all about how you choose to walk your life’s path.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep on saying it. – People walk into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We don’t have any control over which one they happen to be. Just enjoy the time and the lessons each one brings with them.
Pain is inevitable. Dare to love anyway. Being able to and openly experiencing true love in your core is a gift from the universe.
You will be too much for some, not enough for others, and perfect for a select few. Keep doing you until you find those few.
Dare to be different. Don’t stay mixed in with the masses. Shine your light for all to see.
Live for the heart-stopping, breathtaking moments. Those moments will carry you through the darkness.
Set goals and push yourself to achieve them. Even if that means years of baby steps forward.
Don’t forget to smile. You could positively change someone’s day.
Kindness costs nothing.
Inhale your positive, exhale the negative.
Let shit go.
Your worth is not defined by the number on a piece of paper OR words others might say to you.
An open letter to those who have treated me poorly in the past. To the ones who have used me, lied to me, and told me everything that went wrong in our life was always in some way 100% my fault:
“If you think I’m too much, go find less If you’re good with good enough, I’m not it Don’t water me down To feel like you leveled up Yeah, if you think I’m too much, go find less.”
Riley Roth
If I am not good enough for you, try to find someone who will give as much as I did and ask for as little as I did in return. Find someone who will allow you to act the way you do and never hold you accountable for those actions. Find someone who loved you as I did. Find someone with a heart like mine.
You never will.
You tore me down. You made me feel worthless. Your words never matched your actions. Ever. You took and took and took until I had nothing left to give, and yet I still found a way to give you more.
You talked to me like I didn’t know what you had been saying behind my back.
I may have acted naïve, but I always knew.
Some of you put your hands on me out of anger. Some of you used your words to strip away my confidence. All of you backed me into a corner until I became submissive. And this meant you had complete control of me.
I allowed it.
None of you were there when I needed someone. Always too busy. Yet you had time to tell me what I should do in any given situation. What to say or how to act. I was always just a phone call away from you, yet silly me for thinking the phone worked both ways.
It has taken me far too long to see your true colors. I can finally see the monsters under the masks of friendship, family, and lovers. Too many moments allowing others to control my life, to have people in my life. I see now I am better off without you.
More strong, wiser, more at peace.
I am capable, intelligent, lovable, and someone shockingly still willing to love those around me.
You weren’t my family or my tribe. You are a cult that damn near sucked the life out of me. And I allowed it.
No more.
I am no longer the doormat. When you didn’t have use for me anymore, you tossed me out like a piece of trash. You could no longer manipulate me, and you recognized it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into every relationship, you made up lies and turned everyone against me.
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.”
Gloria Gaynor
Be gone with you. Please stay away from me. Stay out of my life. If you see me, walk the other way. Don’t ever speak my name. I no longer know you, nor do you know who I have become because of the abuse I suffered from your words and actions.
I am better for having been your scapegoat.
Even after all the times, I was appreciative of your reprehensible actions that somehow still gave you the right to disrespect everything about who I am.
I may never have been good enough at anything for any of you, but someday I will find the ones who see my light and cherish it.
I know who I want to be, who I am, and how I deserve to be treated.
I was always too much for every one of you. I will continue to speak my truth and shine my light on your darkness. A little advice: if you don’t like the words that come out of your mouth, never repeat your past actions. Your web of lies will tie you up like the flies you are. Someday you will have to answer for all those actions, and when that happens, I will be the one left standing.
Photo Credit: LHJ A single word can cause hundreds of negative ripples.
Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.
Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.
Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.
There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.
Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.
A gaslighters favorite phrases
“That never happened.”
“You’re crazy, and other people think so, too.”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
“Do you really think I’d make that up?”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”
“You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”
“I did that because I love you.”
“It’s all your fault.”
During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.
No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.
Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.
Things to say to a manipulator:
“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”
-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”
“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”
– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.
Consistently.
They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.
“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”
– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.
“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”
-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.
Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.
Roar louder than your demons 