She’s as real as it gets and there ain’t no way around it. There’s a road that’s been through hell and she’s been down it. She’s been mistreated, she’s been lied to, she’s seen her share of trouble. But that girl, she’s the beauty in this trouble.
Beauty in the Struggle – Bryan Martin
While I Look back over my life, there have been many beautiful moments and those that have burned and left scars. To those who get the privilege to hear my stories, they are amazed at my strength, courage, and determination through enormous struggles. Amid those struggles, I wanted to give up, give in, and frankly, disappear. Even though I would walk around and pretend everything was fine. The breakdown was always just under the surface. Being conditioned as a child to sit still and look pretty doesn’t do well for an adult who doesn’t know how to deal with emotional upheaval.
While walking through the trials and tribulations of this life, it is easy to become overwhelmed, feel abandoned, or defeated. Life’s perspective allows you to see how strong you are after you have walked through those dark times.
Uncovering your true strength is found only when you have hit rock bottom. Finding the light at the end of the tunnel is a life skill that must be practiced, and practiced often to not get sucked into a negative thought pattern. Healing inner wounds and hurts carried around since childhood is both very challenging and yet very rewarding especially when done alone.
I wouldn’t recommend doing it alone, but if you must, I am living proof you can and will survive.
As a child, I was always told, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” As much as I hate to admit it, those words still ring true after all these years. Our demons seem to show themselves when the day is done, and we have nothing else to keep our minds occupied. The darkness of the night is sometimes the hardest for those struggling with painful past experiences. Being alone with your thoughts can make you believe the worst about yourself.
All we need to do is find a glimmer of hope to keep us going. Unfortunately, finding that glimmer in those moments of darkness can test your inner strength in ways you never knew existed. It doesn’t matter where you are on your self-healing journey, the practice of finding the good is always difficult. The complexity of finding hope is a battle we must never give up on.
Ever.
No matter what.
You are worthy of love. Remember that.
Perspective: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance
– Merriam-Webster
I find it amusing that everyone’s view of the world boils down to a difference in perspective. No two people see the same situation, even if standing side by side in the midst of it. Many factors cause our view of the world to be different. Our upbringing, other life experiences, our personality, and most importantly, our ability to love and forgive—both ourselves and those around us.
As a child, in Sunday school I remember learning that if we wake every morning with a grateful heart, the world tends to look much brighter.
Being grateful in painful moments isn’t always easy.
When the world is dark and not going the way you would like it to go, it’s much easier to keep that dark cloud over your head. ‘Let go and let God’ is a phrase my close friends say. Ha.
Well, I say, if only God could tell me his plan for this little control freak.
I for one would be a much happier and less anxious person.
I wish I could be more like Elsa and just ‘let it go.’
Therapy taught me we don’t get what we want out of life. We get what we need, regardless of how those situations make us feel.
YEAH, let that sink in.
We are here to learn, grow, and leave a legacy. By choosing to live a life full of grace and lead with love in our hearts, even if it’s in the middle of a proverbial fire, we can and will accomplish hard things.
It takes considerable work. Everyday.
Sometimes minute by minute. It’s a conscious choice. Surprisingly no one is perfect. We all lose our way, and that is when life teaches us the most valuable of lessons.
Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.
Beautiful Boy – John Lennon
Knowing what you want from life and understanding that life most likely won’t allow that to happen is VERY Humbling. Knowing what matters to your heart and how you want others to remember you is something we must take the time to comprehend. These are the golden reasons to keep going in the dark time. Remember, your heart is still beating in your chest. You are still breathing, and this, too, shall pass. You are a shining example of strength for those around you.
This world is full of beautifully dark moments. Feeling like you are damaged isn’t a reason to give up because being broken can also be beautiful.
The American Psychiatric Association says: that 3.5% of the adults in the U.S. population are diagnosed with PTSD every year. That number seems relatively minor to me. Research shows that 1 out of 11 people has been diagnosed in their lifetime. Now that might seem like a little more accurate depiction, and yet, I still believe it’s not a true number of the people who are suffering.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 21, and CPTSD at 39. Unfortunately, due to my lack of knowledge about my diagnosis at 21 and my fear of gaining proper understanding and treatment, my diagnosis has changed and is now considered complex. I will be honest, I didn’t listen to medical professionals. I didn’t seek swift or timely treatment. I didn’t want to admit it was a problem. It wasn’t until I was in the thick of being a mom that my body malfunctioned and ultimately shut down from the years of stored terror and pain. Even then I resisted until there was no other choice but to give in and I finally began to listen.
Not committing to help sooner is my number one regret in life. Once I made the wholehearted choice to become healthy it was then I started to see how sick my body had become. Now that I can look back and see that because of my commitment and perseverance, I am healthier than I have been in a year.
Medical issues I have struggled with are naturally fixing themselves. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, there are a few irreversible repercussions, and I am taking them in stride.
The universe has given me a second chance. It has allowed me to share my journey and experiences so others might feel less alone.
PTSD takes over every aspect of your life. No matter how much one may resist, the demon won’t stop until you are a slave to your thoughts and feelings. I call PTSD a demon because it is very easy to get sucked into the darkness. Stuck in the negative thought patterns. Having the courage to ask for help is the very first and extremely crucial step in gaining back some semblance of control over your life.
To those who have never struggled, asking for help seems simple, and yet the stigma associated with any mental health challenge keeps people suffering in silence for far too long.
Over the years, I have had to face and ultimately change things I have run from most of my life. Constantly running from fear. Not willing to stop, take the time to understand how and why my body was actively working against me. Then, when all the things were removed from my life that were holding me back from truly taking the time to heal those inner wounds, I was angry, terrified, and broken.
You see, I spent most of my adult days giving everything of myself to those around me to make myself feel whole. To feel like I had a purpose. My children each needed a different part of me. That, coupled with juggling other people’s needs while trying to be the perfect parent, wife, or friend, is like walking a tightrope stretched over a pit of lava. Add into that relationships that were riddled with control and psychological abuse. It became too much for my body to handle. Even though I felt whole while making them all happy, I was not taking care of myself, and it caught up to me. Our bodies really can only take so much.
When the body shuts down, it’s an internal process that for some is hard to reverse. Bodyily systems start to malfunction and the damage can all to often be irreversible.
The stress of trying to heal me from years of multiple forms of abuse, abandonment issues, and lack of trust made me feel empty and worthless. Fear of not being good enough, coupled with anger from not being seen or having my wants and needs validated, was always just below the surface. Every interaction was a struggle to look like I had it all together when trying not to break down and cry.
The book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ is an incredible read.
It truly saved my life.
The author walks his reader through the diagnostics of the illness. The reasons for dysregulation, and, ultimately, the path to freedom.
For the first time in my adult life, my inner thoughts, unexplained feelings, and fears were finally validated.
I HIGHLY recommend getting the book, the workbook, or listening to the Audiobook version. Then, read it again.
No matter what your past has been. No matter what life experiences you’ve endured. You are worth something to someone. You are enough just the way you are. You can take control and make your life as incredible as you want.
It doesn’t come without challenges.
You will want to quit many times on your journey. Put in the work. It will be painfully hard but worth every single second. I promise that freedom, on the other side, is exhilarating.
I have always wanted to heal the broken parts of my childhood. I wanted to give my children better than I had, I wanted to be perfect for my children.
I refused to put that desperate want before their needs. What I didn’t know then was that it wasn’t a want, it was a NEED.
I knew the first step was to start cutting the negativity out of our lives so that the peace could have a place to grow. Yes, that meant cutting out and walking away from the negative people.
Honestly, that has been the most challenging part.
I am a people pleaser, have been my entire life and I am living proof that cutting people out most certainly can be done.
Listen, cupcake, if you lived through the COVID lockdowns, yes, it certainly can.
I promise.
Toxic people will continue to say you are the problem. Just let that go. The truth is they are too scared to admit their faults. It’s easier to place blame on others than to fix our weaknesses.
Weaknesses stem from unmet childhood needs.
Our weaknesses can be overcome by acknowledging that we are lovable despite our shortcomings. For years I allowed the toxic people in my life to treat me poorly, and I kept my mouth shut.
Why argue with others when you are consistently told you are the problem?
I shrank myself.
I allowed them to dictate how I would react to any given situation. I know now that submissive behavior negatively affects the way we see ourselves.
It is poison to your body.
After years of allowing yourself to be controlled by those who say they love you, one begins to believe that others’ negative words and behavior must be all your fault.
We all went to health class. We know our bodies need nutrition to survive. Unfortunately, chronic stress damages each bodily system and its functioning ability. The body can not take in what it needs when stuck in survival mode. Thankfully my body reacted before I reached a breaking point. Funny to think bottled emotions and repressed trauma played a part in saving my life.
Fight, fight, or freeze.
PTSD’s favorite F words.
Many with PTSD face unconscious cycles of these F words, sometimes hundreds of times daily. Once triggered, the brain picks one of those F words, and the body takes over. The rational part of you is no longer in control. The brain is so worried about surviving that it doesn’t have time to check in and ensure things are functioning as they should. Long-term unconscious or repressed stress begins to settle in organs and causes dysfunction and, for some, even disease.
One’s acknowledgment and steadfast commitment to becoming healthy will only take you so far. Sometimes the damage from years of high cortisol levels, high amounts of stress, and mistreatment are irreversible.
Start slow.
Try to meet your body where it is.
Love it.
I would have never taken the time to figure this out. I had too many people to think about. Too many things to worry about. Too many excuses not to put me first. For me, the journey turned into therapy by day, listening to my body by night. Weeks of tears, releasing withheld emotions, learning how to love myself and the body I live in.
Nourish it.
And remember to give yourself grace.
It took years of your body fighting a silent battle, and it can not be fixed with the snap of your fingers.
Another monumental task for people who struggle with PTSD is restorative sleep. PTSD is a fickle demon. It took months of sleepless nights to realize I was reliving all my trauma while I slept. My brain would wake exhausted, and I had no explanation.
When we sleep, our brains try to process the events from the day. For some, it is how they dream. Yet, for others, those dreams are repressed traumatic memories that are dying to get out. The brain doesn’t understand you are now safe. The body still reacts like the trauma is happening all over again. You wake frozen, covered in sweat, feeling like you just finished a marathon.
When your body does get genuine restorative sleep, it can start to heal itself.
Pretty impressive, huh?
I’m not saying people can cure all their ailments with sleep. But with PTSD, the body rarely gets the ability to rest. To feel safe. It is always on alert.
The rest and digest stage is crucial to all living things, it allows your cells to nourish themselves and gives the body the ability to start to relax and return to homeostasis.
Listen: Your heart will still try to keep beating no matter how many times it has been broke.
Think of all the times you told yourself, “I can’t do this.” Or “How am I going to get through this?” Look at you. You are still here! Taking in precious air and making other people smile. You are crushing it. If you don’t feel like you are living up to your fullest potential, start today. Begin with treating yourself like the diamond in the rough that you are. Think of how beautifully they shine after being put under all that pressure.
I believe therapy is the most crucial and necessary part of one’s healing journey, whether individual or group. When you can be validated, you start to retrain your brain to look at all your achievements and realize you did what you needed to, to survive.
I always said and felt that I was never good enough. I wasn’t a good enough mother, wife, coach, family member, or friend. Now, after having this time, being forced to be separated from the life I had built, has given me so much clarity in every interaction or situation I have been a part of. I wasn’t perfect, I made mistakes, but my children know I love them fiercely. I now see that they believe it. I know they are going to be great people.
Therapy was incredible once I fully submitted and allowed others to help me.
All I ever wanted was to find the root cause of the debilitating fear, the anger and to get myself back.
It’s hard stuff.
It took me a good week to stop being angry at the world around me to see what and who the real problem was.
I had to hit rock bottom, realize who I am, what I am made of, and rebuild.
The hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve done to this point.
Rebuilding your life as you once dreamed it could be is a weird sense of power and confusion.
Forgive yourself.
Wake up each day and lead with positive thoughts and great thanks for being alive.
Find yourself a therapist—a good one.
Don’t be afraid to put them through the interview process. A therapist should give you the ability to word vomit all your deep dark thoughts and support you while you take the time to process each memory; painstakingly if need be. Allow yourself to go slow. Remember the tortoise and the hare ‘Slow and steady wins the race.’
I have learned on this path to ask for help and let people help you.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak.
One of my most significant flaws is seeing the good in people and assuming that is who they are.
There are a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing, please be careful.
Through this process, I’ve also learned it’s ok to let those negative toxic people from your life go. You will be ok, and life does go on without them. Stop letting other people’s thoughts or feelings cause you to feel like less of a person.
You have incredible value.
Focus on getting a complete 8-9 hrs of sleep most nights.
Get daily physical activity. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face. Find and explore your passions. The things that make you giddy. Live life with experiences and surround yourself with people who set your soul on fire.
PTSD is the mind playing tricks on you. No two people have the same reactions. There are specific diagnostic circumstances but not a single specific operating procedure. It takes time, patience, and much self-reflection and research.
Once you learn that feeling of being triggered, the flight, fright, or freeze, you become hyper-vigilant about those triggers. Being triggered becomes a mental game of chess to trick your brain out of having one of those adverse responses and begin to recognize you are no longer under attack. You have to be in control.
It can be exhausting.
Yet we all have the hard-wired ability to achieve it.
The brain is truly remarkable. There are hundreds if not thousands of survivors that are proof it is entirely possible to create new responses to things that once triggered you. You can retrain the way the brain responds in any given situation. It does take time, understanding, and a lot of work. You will fail. It’s ok. Reevaluate, get back up, and keep going. I’m not here to sugarcoat it and make you think you can heal in days or weeks. For many, it took years of trauma and stress to find the courage to seek help finally. If you commit, surround yourself with the proper support and allow yourself to feel all those scary feelings. You will come out stronger, more resilient, and with a whole new outlook on every interaction you walk into. You may even start to feel confident and comfortable in your skin.
You are brave.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You can achieve greatness.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that even though PTSD changes our brain chemistry and causes our brains to think differently, to feel emotions with more energy. We are not broken, unlovable, or less. Those changes must be looked at as tho they are positive repercussions from our past. They can cause you to have more empathy for others, and that isn’t always a bad thing.
We don’t know what people are dealing with on the inside.
Our past experiences allow us to grow, learn, and create a new life daily. Go into interactions and situations with those around you with the best intentions.
Lead with love.
Don’t be afraid to let people see the incredible person you are.
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
Photo Credit: LHJ
Over the last year, I have made several small daily changes to become who I have always wanted to be. The best version of myself that has been hidden from the world. No longer will I fit into the pretty little box I’ve stood in since childhood? No longer will I ‘Sit still and look pretty’. Hell no! I will Be loud, proud and experience my life to the fullest every single day.
Writing has always been a passion of mine. Writing has given me peace in the most turbulent times. Honestly, it saved my life many times during my childhood and teenage years. I am both scared and extremely excited to share this life’s journey with others. Sharing my voice has always given me anxiety. I was conditioned as a child to be seen and not heard. I have recently learned that I am not alone in many of my life experiences, and the simple act of validating others’ feelings and life experiences can help heal your inner wounds. Finding the strength to publish pieces of my living portfolio for others hasn’t been easy. Many a tearful night worrying what the response would be. I have never given myself the ability to express my thoughts and feelings so openly or freely due to a deep seeded fear of abandonment and rejection. Instead, I would write in private, locking those words away from the world. I have recently learned that fear only keeps us from becoming the most authentic version of who we are.
Most recently, writing has given me an inner sense of needed strength. An extraordinary new power and determination in times when life has had me standing on the edge of darkness. It has taken me thirty years and an abundance of work in therapy, to finally allow others to know the most authentic version of me.
My one positive change is writing it out. allowing myself to process each day in my own words, sitting and being one with my thoughts. Like an artist, I find myself painting a picture of hope for those who are also struggling every day just like me to look perfect to the outside world. I’ll let you in on a little secret, we are all messy, and that is what makes us truly beautiful.
Throughout these posts, I will share traumatic memories, twilight zone life experiences, unconditional love, and a new sense of self that I am starting to uncover. Join me on this wonderful journey of self-discovery, healing, and deep understanding of one’s self. I hope you can walk away with the understanding that you are not alone, your life is what you make of it, and please don’t let others write your story. Take control and be the author of the memoir that is your spectacular life.
Roar louder than your demons 