“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Gautama Buddha

How many of us have been holding on to anger and hurt from past relationships for far too long? Allowing the resentment of the past to sit and rot within us. Feeling like we must have done something to deserve the disrespect for someone else’s words and actions is only punishing ourselves. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just don’t assume you are the only one at fault.

Be honest, who’s been there, done that?

Why do we think if we act ‘perfect enough,’ we will be accepted and loved? That we will be wanted by the person we desire. That our undivided attention will make the other person stay.

To all those good people who seem to be attracted to the bad ones, listen up.

One person can not change another. We all have a hard time admitting that we might need to change some undesirable trait about ourselves. Add to that having the desire to stick to it. Think about the last time you made a New Year’s Resolution. How long did it take for your brain to give up and return to your old ways?

Ever wondered what gives us the desire or audacity to think that our love can change someone into what we want or need them to be to make us feel whole?

Trauma.

That mixed with a lack of self-respect and having no clue about our self-worth. It’s the perfect storm.

We need to do better. We need to try harder, for ourselves. Knowing your worth and letting go of negative people is not being selfish. Frankly, it’s the first step in the self-care journey.

There are those in this world who will pray on you, on purpose. It WILL be hard to know or see the truth until it’s too late. These are the relationships you will learn the most from. Your personal growth will be stunted while you live in these types of relationships. You won’t be able to put your finger on it, but you will always second-guess their actions. When the universe finally forces you out, you will hit bottom and must claw yourself back to the top of your mountain of self-discovery.

It is going to crush you.

You may even feel worthless and broken. This is only temporary, I promise. Society has conditioned us all to think we need to be in a relationship, we need to be part of something, regardless of if that relationship is good for us.

RESIST.

Learn your worth and set boundaries that require you not to settle for any less than you deserve. Figure that out. Do some soul searching and learn how to respect yourself first, then use that to create relationships with others that build on that respect.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, people, and neither is the life you were meant to create.

If you don’t like your current situation, remember you are not a tree with roots, figure out what makes you truly happy and make the necessary changes. Don’t use the inability to navigate change as an excuse. Change your hair, and your style, and move if you need to. Change doesn’t have to be giant steps. Take it slow. Break it down into small manageable pieces. One day at a time. Commit to being a better you in all aspects of your life. Allow the hurt to happen because being at rock bottom is when we learn the most about ourselves. Currently, I am learning to let things go.

“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.

– Elsa ( gotta love Disney)

Ha! Disney music and it’s innate ability to remind adults what’s truly important.

My most significant source of fear, anxiety, and distress stems from not being or feeling loved for who I am at my core. When I was young, I was taught to sit still and look pretty. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to. Be seen and never heard. Just smile and nod, no one cares what you have to say. Because of this, I have for years hidden my true self away, only showing glimpses to those I thought could be trusted.

When we look inward and work on those things that we don’t like, even about ourselves, that’s when life begins. That is when we start to understand how our pasts have molded us into who we are meant to become.

Let go of the negative.

The negative outlook. The negative thoughts. The negative self talk. All of it.

Choose to look at the positive. Be grateful for the little moments in life. Make a point to make memories that will withstand even the darkest times. Smile more. Have hope. Give yourself some grace. Stop allowing others to tell you what makes you happy. Take the necessary time and figure that out on your own.

Trigger warning: the following statement may shock some of you…

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.

How does someone who’s been mistreatedlarn to feel good enough about what they contribute to this world?

Baby steps!

We are all worthy of a love that makes us weak in the knees. A love that shows through actions that you are a priority and they only want all of you. I have been told that relationships and love like this do in fact exist for each of us.

I have yet to see it in its proper form.

I’m beginning to understand that finding this type of connection begins when you learn to love yourself, and that work can be extremely isolating.

It generally doesn’t start until we have been hurt to our core and finally realize that we must walk away from everything we’ve ever known to preserve what’s left of our dignity. Starting over can be incredibly scary. Think of all the times you started something and the fear you felt in those moments. Now think about how those situations turn out. You can do anything you set your mind to. Being uncomfortable won’t last forever. You just needed to adjust, realize your strengths and weaknesses, and put in a little effort. Ok, well maybe you’ll need to put in a lot of effort. Regardless you have made it through all your hardest days to this point, so anything is possible. You, my friend, are living proof of that!

A question for the crowd.

Is being loyal and committed to the people in your life such a crazy idea?

These days, for sure! I don’t know about all of you, but I have given my all to those who have said they loved me and gotten nothing but absolute abuse in return. Psychologically beat up for things I didn’t do. Things I had no control over. I have since realized, that what I give is in fact good enough. And that I am far too nice to others who don’t deserve even a moment of my time. I’ve wasted a lot of breath on people who shouldn’t have been allowed in my orbit. Check the people in your life, ctrl + alt and delete the ones that don’t add positive vibes to your soul.

I see now that doing more for others and not getting the same in return is a trauma response. Overextending myself in hopes of feeling love and the need to be wanted by those I genuinely care about—fear of abandonment at its core.

Here’s where that letting go comes in.

You can only do so much.

Remember, when you board a plane and right before take-off, they tell you to place your oxygen mask on first and then help those around you. – Yes, moms, this applies to you as well. (Shocker, I know.) DON’T give away your oxygen to those who will suck the life right out of you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Be selfish with your time, energy, and love.

Make sure your mind, body, and soul are healthy. Allow yourself to be numero Uno from the start. NEVER sacrifice that mindset.

Let the negativity of people and situations in your life go. You could not and can not control them, so why feel bad about how things turned out?

If you let your heart lead with love and give your absolute best in each interaction, you have nothing to lose or worry about. People are messy and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have baggage. Just be extra cautious as to whose baggage you allow in your presents.

Everyone sees life through different lenses. Always remember that our pasts, however different, generally control how we react in any given situation. And with a little bit of inner work, and self-love we can change these reactions. This work isn’t always easy, it does require us to recognize our old patterns of behavior, accept them, and then make the conscious choice to act and think differently.

A solid change in behavior means committing to the follow-through.

Which I understand can be scary for many. Here is where giving yourself some grace comes in, we are all a work in progress.

“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”

– Mother Teresa

Use that stone, or negative past event, to symbolize letting go of what is holding you down. Watch it skip across the water and away from you. Then sinking and never to be worried about again.

You are each worthy of time, undivided attention, and unconditional affection.

The right one will find you. Don’t rush it, when it’s meant to be it will be.

Until then, respect yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and please try to let the negativity go. Allow your inner voice to remind you of your infinite worth.

– Roar louder