Life is all about choices, but how does one take control of their own life when other people’s choices greatly affect how one chooses to live?
By not standing up for what you believe in it will allow your life to unravel. Before long, you won’t even recognize who you are.
Losing everything, whether that’s having it taken from you or being pushed out of your comfort zone and away from it, is sometimes the only way to finally find your true self.
True happiness in life isn’t achieved with stuff. It’s about the people and experiences you surround yourself with.
The you that you think you are as a child and adolescent will change as you experience life. That change will either be painful or pleasant, it’s all about how you choose to walk your life’s path.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep on saying it. – People walk into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We don’t have any control over which one they happen to be. Just enjoy the time and the lessons each one brings with them.
Pain is inevitable. Dare to love anyway. Being able to and openly experiencing true love in your core is a gift from the universe.
You will be too much for some, not enough for others, and perfect for a select few. Keep doing you until you find those few.
Dare to be different. Don’t stay mixed in with the masses. Shine your light for all to see.
Live for the heart-stopping, breathtaking moments. Those moments will carry you through the darkness.
Set goals and push yourself to achieve them. Even if that means years of baby steps forward.
Don’t forget to smile. You could positively change someone’s day.
Kindness costs nothing.
Inhale your positive, exhale the negative.
Let shit go.
Your worth is not defined by the number on a piece of paper OR words others might say to you.
An open letter to those who have treated me poorly in the past. To the ones who have used me, lied to me, and told me everything that went wrong in our life was always in some way 100% my fault:
“If you think I’m too much, go find less If you’re good with good enough, I’m not it Don’t water me down To feel like you leveled up Yeah, if you think I’m too much, go find less.”
Riley Roth
If I am not good enough for you, try to find someone who will give as much as I did and ask for as little as I did in return. Find someone who will allow you to act the way you do and never hold you accountable for those actions. Find someone who loved you as I did. Find someone with a heart like mine.
You never will.
You tore me down. You made me feel worthless. Your words never matched your actions. Ever. You took and took and took until I had nothing left to give, and yet I still found a way to give you more.
You talked to me like I didn’t know what you had been saying behind my back.
I may have acted naïve, but I always knew.
Some of you put your hands on me out of anger. Some of you used your words to strip away my confidence. All of you backed me into a corner until I became submissive. And this meant you had complete control of me.
I allowed it.
None of you were there when I needed someone. Always too busy. Yet you had time to tell me what I should do in any given situation. What to say or how to act. I was always just a phone call away from you, yet silly me for thinking the phone worked both ways.
It has taken me far too long to see your true colors. I can finally see the monsters under the masks of friendship, family, and lovers. Too many moments allowing others to control my life, to have people in my life. I see now I am better off without you.
More strong, wiser, more at peace.
I am capable, intelligent, lovable, and someone shockingly still willing to love those around me.
You weren’t my family or my tribe. You are a cult that damn near sucked the life out of me. And I allowed it.
No more.
I am no longer the doormat. When you didn’t have use for me anymore, you tossed me out like a piece of trash. You could no longer manipulate me, and you recognized it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into every relationship, you made up lies and turned everyone against me.
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.”
Gloria Gaynor
Be gone with you. Please stay away from me. Stay out of my life. If you see me, walk the other way. Don’t ever speak my name. I no longer know you, nor do you know who I have become because of the abuse I suffered from your words and actions.
I am better for having been your scapegoat.
Even after all the times, I was appreciative of your reprehensible actions that somehow still gave you the right to disrespect everything about who I am.
I may never have been good enough at anything for any of you, but someday I will find the ones who see my light and cherish it.
I know who I want to be, who I am, and how I deserve to be treated.
I was always too much for every one of you. I will continue to speak my truth and shine my light on your darkness. A little advice: if you don’t like the words that come out of your mouth, never repeat your past actions. Your web of lies will tie you up like the flies you are. Someday you will have to answer for all those actions, and when that happens, I will be the one left standing.
Photo Credit: LHJ A single word can cause hundreds of negative ripples.
Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.
Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.
Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.
There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.
Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.
A gaslighters favorite phrases
“That never happened.”
“You’re crazy, and other people think so, too.”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
“Do you really think I’d make that up?”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”
“You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”
“I did that because I love you.”
“It’s all your fault.”
During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.
No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.
Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.
Things to say to a manipulator:
“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”
-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”
“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”
– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.
Consistently.
They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.
“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”
– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.
“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”
-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.
Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.
Frankly the question came to this: what was the matter with her? Was there, without her knowing it, some peculiar lack in her? Absurd. But she began to have a feeling of discouragement and hopelessness. Why couldn’t she be happy, content, somewhere Other people managed, somehow, to be. To put it plainly, didn’t she know how? Was she incapable of it?
Have you ever felt stuck? Living life every day, just going through the motions. Almost like you were living two different lives, yet not living at all?
History has shown us that in the blink of an eye, your whole world can be changed. What if the things that meant the most to you were traumatically taken away in an instant? Would your heart stop beating the right way?
When we are faced with hardship we are left to sift through the pain, disrespect, and complete disregard for anyone else feelings, and somehow process it all. It will be one heck of an educational experience, that’s for sure.
Has anyone else been given the ability to see people’s true colors, I mean, how they act when they don’t think you will find out? The truest versions of the ones you hold so dear. I am glad that we have the choice as to who we allow in our inner circle. We are not punished for walking away from those individuals who only cause us strife. It’s taken far too long to realize that just because people are blood, it doesn’t mean that they care about who you are.
Many of the people you associate with will not be there in your time of need, no matter how much you rearranged your life to be there for them during theirs. That has been a hard life lesson to learn.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
Mother Teresa
Change is never easy, it’s always a tad uncomfortable, but change is inevitable for us all. Learning how to accept changes that enter our lives with grace is something they should teach kids while they are in school. It’s one of the needed human behaviors that needs to be practiced, over and over again. Radical acceptance of the world around you. Learning how to know what is and isn’t within our control.
I don’t know about you, but my anxiety is worse when I don’t have a plan in place or when I don’t know where I stand with people. Did you know that overanalyzing yourself is a trauma response? Dang old trauma.
What do you do when the universe throws you a curve ball? How do you cope when change seems to be around every corner?
In the past, I typically would fall apart, get angry, and then resist. Now, I realize I am completely capable and take it in stride.
I most certainly don’t want change to happen. But, I have learned that there must be a lesson for me and I try to shift my mindset.
Unfortunately, the changes we experience in life are how we grow as humans.
I have found that a good way to handle changes is to find yourself a great coping strategy. They may be a quiet place to scream, write, and get in touch with nature. It might be out with friends or experiencing thrilling adventures to take your mind off it. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to Focus on themselves. It’s never easy and can lead you to some pretty eye-opening and maybe even uncomfortable understandings. Give yourself the opportunity and time to conquer long-fought battles with deeply hidden inner demons from your childhood. Stuffing our difficult emotions as a child will only lead to them exploding out when you least expect it as an adult.
Learning how to laugh again, is one of the hardest hills to climb I have recently decided. It’s not easy when you have looked at the world through dark lenses for so long. But the sense of peace that comes with being your true authentic self is a feeling I hope others can enjoy. I have enjoyed taking time to enjoy the beauty of the world around me.
Spend your time working on getting physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Cook/eat nourishing meals again. Make sure your body is allowing itself to be nourished. Another hard life lesson, Stress will most certainly kill you if you allow it. Find ways to relax, be able to take a deep breathe. Speaking of breathing, you might be doing it the wrong way.
Check out the book “Breath: The new Science of a Lost Art” by James Nestor.
Challenge yourself to feel the inner calm, it’s like unlocking the next level in this game we could call adulthood.
I was today years old when I actually gave myself the time and ability to practice Self-care, that crap is SUPER important. Also wasn’t something I was taught as a child. For those who are on your own healing journey, it’s ok if spending time with yourself is uncomfortable. Keep doing it, it does get better.
Looking back, My life had gotten to the point where I felt like I was on autopilot. The quicksand had sucked me in.
They say to get out of quicksand you have to wiggle slowly.
If you have been through tough times. if you have seen/ experienced traumatic things. Take the time to slow down, get back to the basics, and retrain your brain on how to feel safe again.
– you are living proof you can make it through your hard days💗
Life has a way of making the dark times seem never-ending. Finding the silver lining isn’t always easy. At times, I have been lucky because of who the universe has blessed me with. Looking back, not all of those blessings were joyful ones. Frankly, many have been lessons I needed to learn so that I could become a better version of myself. Something I could have only learned through the journey of life is that being blood doesn’t mean they will always be by your side. Or that those you pour all your energy into actually might not deserve any of that precious energy.
Relationships are a two-way street. ALWAYS.
I’ve been down a lot of one way avenues.
There will always be one person who puts in more effort. One who loves more. One who is willing to and understands how to communicate more effectively. An honest effort from another isn’t always guaranteed to be returned. Because in life, nothing is guaranteed. Every interaction with others teaches us a lesson and changes who we are or will become.
“Realize that everything connects to everything else.”
Leonardo da Vinci
I truly believe the universe will protect those who are here for a divine purpose. Why else would I still be here?
If you put out love and positivity to those around you, it will be returned in time. Karma sits and does her best work in the wings. She will get to those who have wronged you. Most likely, you will not be able to watch it happen, but what goes around always comes back around.
Have a little faith.
Waiting for that karmic energy to unleash its power on an unsuspecting, and deserving victim is like waiting for the birth of a child. Or, for those who don’t have kids yet, it’s like waiting for that vacation you’ve planned for months.
Oh, the anticipation.
Don’t get me wrong, wishing bad vibes on someone isn’t necessarily a “ Christian” thing to do. Stepping back while letting go and allowing the universe to enact punishment in good time isn’t easy. But when it does in fact happen, that my friend is the sweetest of revenge.
If, by chance, you have been gifted with the ability to see it happen. Worth every heartache you have had to endure.
I have been lucky to be on the receiving end of bountiful gifts from the universe. There have also been a few times when I felt the sting of the universe kicking me down and overwhelmed with defeat without real explanation. In those times, I was reminded of my blessings and how I should live with kindness and give grace to others.
More often than not, I have witnessed the universe taking care of people who have wronged me in some way. It’s not always grand gestures, and sometimes it’s in the subtle nuances of life. Regardless it is most definitely long-lasting vindication.
I always make sure to offer my unconditional thanks and be on my way.
Manifesting your desires can be a double-edged sword. Be very careful what you put out into the universe. Our unique Destiny’s have already been written, meaning there is always a greater purpose for the pain.
How many of you read this have control issues?
Admit it.
You know I am right. None of us has total control of anything to n this life. We may fool ourselves into thinking otherwise, but as the dear John Lennon says “ life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”
So for now, while you wait on an explanation of exactly what your life is going to become, remember: act with kindness, breathe, smile, and stand your ground. People who hurt you will without a doubt get what’s coming. All in good time. The universe has got your back.
-Life advice: repeat after me, “Oh, bless your heart.”
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Gautama Buddha
How many of us have been holding on to anger and hurt from past relationships for far too long? Allowing the resentment of the past to sit and rot within us. Feeling like we must have done something to deserve the disrespect for someone else’s words and actions is only punishing ourselves. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just don’t assume you are the only one at fault.
Be honest, who’s been there, done that?
Why do we think if we act ‘perfect enough,’ we will be accepted and loved? That we will be wanted by the person we desire. That our undivided attention will make the other person stay.
To all those good people who seem to be attracted to the bad ones, listen up.
One person can not change another. We all have a hard time admitting that we might need to change some undesirable trait about ourselves. Add to that having the desire to stick to it. Think about the last time you made a New Year’s Resolution. How long did it take for your brain to give up and return to your old ways?
Ever wondered what gives us the desire or audacity to think that our love can change someone into what we want or need them to be to make us feel whole?
Trauma.
That mixed with a lack of self-respect and having no clue about our self-worth. It’s the perfect storm.
We need to do better. We need to try harder, for ourselves. Knowing your worth and letting go of negative people is not being selfish. Frankly, it’s the first step in the self-care journey.
There are those in this world who will pray on you, on purpose. It WILL be hard to know or see the truth until it’s too late. These are the relationships you will learn the most from. Your personal growth will be stunted while you live in these types of relationships. You won’t be able to put your finger on it, but you will always second-guess their actions. When the universe finally forces you out, you will hit bottom and must claw yourself back to the top of your mountain of self-discovery.
It is going to crush you.
You may even feel worthless and broken. This is only temporary, I promise. Society has conditioned us all to think we need to be in a relationship, we need to be part of something, regardless of if that relationship is good for us.
RESIST.
Learn your worth and set boundaries that require you not to settle for any less than you deserve. Figure that out. Do some soul searching and learn how to respect yourself first, then use that to create relationships with others that build on that respect.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, people, and neither is the life you were meant to create.
If you don’t like your current situation, remember you are not a tree with roots, figure out what makes you truly happy and make the necessary changes. Don’t use the inability to navigate change as an excuse. Change your hair, and your style, and move if you need to. Change doesn’t have to be giant steps. Take it slow. Break it down into small manageable pieces. One day at a time. Commit to being a better you in all aspects of your life. Allow the hurt to happen because being at rock bottom is when we learn the most about ourselves. Currently, I am learning to let things go.
“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.
– Elsa ( gotta love Disney)
Ha! Disney music and it’s innate ability to remind adults what’s truly important.
My most significant source of fear, anxiety, and distress stems from not being or feeling loved for who I am at my core. When I was young, I was taught to sit still and look pretty. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to. Be seen and never heard. Just smile and nod, no one cares what you have to say. Because of this, I have for years hidden my true self away, only showing glimpses to those I thought could be trusted.
When we look inward and work on those things that we don’t like, even about ourselves, that’s when life begins. That is when we start to understand how our pasts have molded us into who we are meant to become.
Let go of the negative.
The negative outlook. The negative thoughts. The negative self talk. All of it.
Choose to look at the positive. Be grateful for the little moments in life. Make a point to make memories that will withstand even the darkest times. Smile more. Have hope. Give yourself some grace. Stop allowing others to tell you what makes you happy. Take the necessary time and figure that out on your own.
Trigger warning: the following statement may shock some of you…
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.
How does someone who’s been mistreatedlarn to feel good enough about what they contribute to this world?
Baby steps!
We are all worthy of a love that makes us weak in the knees. A love that shows through actions that you are a priority and they only want all of you. I have been told that relationships and love like this do in fact exist for each of us.
I have yet to see it in its proper form.
I’m beginning to understand that finding this type of connection begins when you learn to love yourself, and that work can be extremely isolating.
It generally doesn’t start until we have been hurt to our core and finally realize that we must walk away from everything we’ve ever known to preserve what’s left of our dignity. Starting over can be incredibly scary. Think of all the times you started something and the fear you felt in those moments. Now think about how those situations turn out. You can do anything you set your mind to. Being uncomfortable won’t last forever. You just needed to adjust, realize your strengths and weaknesses, and put in a little effort. Ok, well maybe you’ll need to put in a lot of effort. Regardless you have made it through all your hardest days to this point, so anything is possible. You, my friend, are living proof of that!
A question for the crowd.
Is being loyal and committed to the people in your life such a crazy idea?
These days, for sure! I don’t know about all of you, but I have given my all to those who have said they loved me and gotten nothing but absolute abuse in return. Psychologically beat up for things I didn’t do. Things I had no control over. I have since realized, that what I give is in fact good enough. And that I am far too nice to others who don’t deserve even a moment of my time. I’ve wasted a lot of breath on people who shouldn’t have been allowed in my orbit. Check the people in your life, ctrl + alt and delete the ones that don’t add positive vibes to your soul.
I see now that doing more for others and not getting the same in return is a trauma response. Overextending myself in hopes of feeling love and the need to be wanted by those I genuinely care about—fear of abandonment at its core.
Here’s where that letting go comes in.
You can only do so much.
Remember, when you board a plane and right before take-off, they tell you to place your oxygen mask on first and then help those around you. – Yes, moms, this applies to you as well. (Shocker, I know.) DON’T give away your oxygen to those who will suck the life right out of you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Be selfish with your time, energy, and love.
Make sure your mind, body, and soul are healthy. Allow yourself to be numero Uno from the start. NEVER sacrifice that mindset.
Let the negativity of people and situations in your life go. You could not and can not control them, so why feel bad about how things turned out?
If you let your heart lead with love and give your absolute best in each interaction, you have nothing to lose or worry about. People are messy and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have baggage. Just be extra cautious as to whose baggage you allow in your presents.
Everyone sees life through different lenses. Always remember that our pasts, however different, generally control how we react in any given situation. And with a little bit of inner work, and self-love we can change these reactions. This work isn’t always easy, it does require us to recognize our old patterns of behavior, accept them, and then make the conscious choice to act and think differently.
A solid change in behavior means committing to the follow-through.
Which I understand can be scary for many. Here is where giving yourself some grace comes in, we are all a work in progress.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
– Mother Teresa
Use that stone, or negative past event, to symbolize letting go of what is holding you down. Watch it skip across the water and away from you. Then sinking and never to be worried about again.
You are each worthy of time, undivided attention, and unconditional affection.
The right one will find you. Don’t rush it, when it’s meant to be it will be.
Until then, respect yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and please try to let the negativity go. Allow your inner voice to remind you of your infinite worth.
Roar louder than your demons 