Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
I have always forgiven those who have wronged me, even if deep down I felt it wasn’t the right decision. Even though I have been able to forgive those in my life, I have had a much harder time forgiving myself.
In my soul-searching journey, I have realized the inability to forgive myself stems from wanting to be accepted and loved by those I care deeply about. I have tried so hard to be perfect for those around me that it nearly took my life.
The pursuit of perfection isn’t something that can be accomplished unless you are striving for perfection in the eyes of the lord.
Over the last year, I have realized that not everyone deserves forgiveness and I am no less of a person for choosing to not allow those who hurt me back into my life. One must strive for peace in all things, even if this means walking away from those you onced loved or cared for.
I am like many people who are over-critical of every move they make. I know now that’s from years of childhood abuse that has always been just under the surface. I have become a master at putting on a smile while I am breaking apart inside, in order to not be a burden to others.
It’s a very lonely place to live.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that if you surround yourself with people who care about your character and personal growth you can not be a burden in any way. These people are willing to walk the straight and narrow path with you, holding your hand during the trials and enjoy celebrating your accomplishments.
The more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.
Confucius
Take the time to look back over your past and learn from the mistakes you made.
Looking through the lens of a different perspective you will gain healthy insight as to the way things in your past happened. Notice the patterns. Fix what may be broken within you. We are all humans who are hard-wired to make mistakes and none of us will ever be absolutely perfect.
If you won two free plane tickets, where would you go?
Isn’t it funny how your mind can play tricks on you and how a memory can cause your entire body to react?
How can a song make you cry by transporting you back in time to a specific place and event?
At the time, you might have thought the experience was insignificant.
If I had two free plane tickets, I’d want unlimited ice cream. Sunshine on a quiet deck early in the morning. Laughter and giggles from those around me playing mini golf. Watching the sun set and rise without a care in the world. And the best part, absolutely no connection to the mainland—my little piece of heaven—just floating on the water with those who meant the absolute most to me.
As I look back at the pictures now, they don’t do the time that we spent together justice. My view of those giant smiles and a complete sense of happiness on all their faces is something I will never forget. That is what life is all about. Those moments are what I strived for.
We can’t take any of this worldly stuff with us. We can’t take our money or our favorite pair of shoes, and those won’t help the people that we leave behind in the long term. But the memories that we take the time to make with each other, the moments of undivided attention, and love, those are the things that will last a lifetime.
Funny how when we are in the moment, in the thick of life, we forget to enjoy those around us.
All too often, we take for granted the things right in front of us, things within our reach. We are busy and consumed with the next ‘big’ thing: that new car, that promotion at work, that vacation to escape the mountain of laundry.
Life passes by so quickly.
We must make a conscious effort to slow ourselves down and enjoy the little blessings.
So sign me up for unlimited ice cream. All-you-can-eat buffets. Sunshine, laughter, and that sense that everything is right in the world.
Recall past perseverance and how you accomplished the impossible. You can do this!
Take a step, even just a small one. One small step forward every morning. Lead with your heart, no matter how ragged and torn it may be. It still beats in your chest, giving you purpose and infinite possibilities.
Set a reasonable pace. Don’t rush yourself. Give yourself grace. Understand there will be setbacks, and you will want to give up. These are part of the process. Keep going.
Try other solutions. We know Rome wasn’t built in a single day, and you can imagine they made mistakes that needed to be fixed. Try not to get discouraged with your progress or lack thereof. Think outside the box, restart from where you are, and move forward one day at a time.
Be patient and give things time. The universe will provide, all in due time.
Just keep going (even if it’s only in your mind). Grateful from the moment you put your feet on the floor. Pain tells us we are alive, and we become stronger and more knowledgeable due to our experience.
“Fall seven times and stand up eight.” – Japanese Proverb
Photo Credit: LHJ He who walks in integrity and with moral character walks securely, But he who takes a crooked way will be discovered and punished. Proverbs 10:9
A compass helps you find your way if you happen to find yourself lost in the wilderness. Thanks to the magical magnetic pull, you will always know which way is proper north so that you can right yourself and find civilization.
Outdoor tip #1, ‘Don’t go out into the woods without your trusted compass.’
Now I am not a super religious individual. I have attended different churches on occasion and have always tried to live by the words I heard consistently as a child. ‘Treat others the way you would like to be treated.’ Due to this, I have learned that we, as humans, have what’s called a moral compass. A gift that is given to us all from the moment we take our first breath. Now there are some who actively ignore this inner guide. While others cannot deny its magnetic pull toward truthfulness.
Morals are your road map to help guide you through the right and wrong of this life based on past experiences. Hey question, does anyone know which Isle the moral compass is in at the sporting goods store?
I’ve got a few people who need a gift…
As a coach, I could watch athletes set goals and crush them in the same season. The moment they light up with excitement as they achieve a long-sought-after goal brings a sense of pride and accomplishment for helping to support them on their journey. Due to my love of people and for helping others succeed, I have had the pleasure of watching a lot of these moments happen firsthand. Watching others reach their full potential is pretty incredible.
I have gotten to know all sorts of people in this life so far, Saints, sinners, and so many in between. No one is perfect, and no one should strive to become perfect.
It is unattainable.
We all will inevitably make mistakes. We will lose our way, fall, and struggle to recover. What defines us in those moments? What shows our true character, is that some will either choose to right those wrongs or choose the easy way out and continue in the darkness.
For those who hit rock bottom and find their way back to the light, the work of betterment is never over. To actively make choices to become a better version of who they might want to become. The creation of a moral compass is reborn, and each day is an opportunity for them to live a much better life.
Those who don’t want to put in the work, are lost. Many without a direction, and destined to continue wandering in the wilderness. They will struggle with each interaction. Never fully regaining their sense of purpose and always searching for the next best thing.
If you haven’t taken the time to enjoy therapy, here is a free session with tips on finding your way back through the dark times.
Dependability.
How many of us can say we have people we can call on through thick and thin? If you do, you should consider yourself very lucky.
Most people these days are extraordinarily self-reliant and only think of themselves when it comes to being someone they can truly count on. For those who haven’t heard of the word dependability, it means that people can rely on you and that you will keep promises that you make to others. I had always thought that dependability and being family meant that being blood came with a responsibility to be dependable for those who you shared DNA with. That was a lie.
One I lived under for far too long. Pay attention to the character of those around you. Don’t allow yourself to be naive. Set boundaries, put yourself out there, and be there for those you care about without hesitation or Quid pro quo. Take the time to work on yourself and become the best version of yourself at any moment.
Loyalty.
In this day and age, it seems this word has been removed from the dictionary. People duck out of relationships or responsibility when they hit a rough patch. When things get hard, they lose interest and blot—jumping from relationship to relationship in search of something better.
Spoiler alert, they will never find what they desperately seek—the ability to be loyal starts from within.
You must know you are worthy of kindness, attention, and time from another to give those things without hesitation. Loyal people are standing by promises that are made, willing to weather any storm that may come due to unconditional love, understanding, and commitment.
Where are the people willing to put in the work and grow with another individual regardless of the ups and downs of life?
The people searching for a deep connection with another person?
I am starting to understand those who willingly take solace in the middle of the woods, throwing out the compass, and rejecting civilization as it currently exists. These are the happiest of individuals.
Honesty.
Living by one’s truth is never easy. Remembering to not willfully or willingly misinform or mislead people for your gain can be hard to stand by. Lying is like a spider web. All the many twists and turns may look beautiful to others, but as a fly, once you get stuck, there is no way out. Being honest can come at a cost. People will shun you for not following along with the facade and will try to blame you for anything that goes wrong. Stand firm in your truth.
Honesty doesn’t make you famous, but it will always lead you to the right side of any situation.
A few ways to guarantee this are by permitting yourself to be humble and happy with what the universe has already given you. Have confidence in what the universe will provide for you in the future, and trust something bigger than yourself. Always work hard for the things you want, and remember to be realistic that materialistic needs won’t necessarily bring you true happiness.
Good judgment.
Having good judgment starts with remembering what is right and wrong behavior. Are parents still teaching right from wrong anymore? The state of today’s youth proves that parents seem to have forgotten a step in the process. Why are parents so worried about being their children’s friends and not their parents? As parents, it is our job to guide and teach the younger generation how to adequately navigate the life experience ahead of them. Yet, some seem so wrapped up in making their children happy.
Children must always be given the ability to fail while they are young. They need to be allowed to think for themselves and form their own ideas and opinions. With the proper love and guidance, this is how they learn to survive in dark times. Suppose you didn’t grow up with rules that had to be followed, and there were no consequences when you messed up. Can you imagine how hard it would be when you are forced to live by rules that have life altering consequences?
This moral compass is an inner voice that helps us with our judgment. That uneasy feeling you get in your stomach, those sweaty palms, those ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ internal conflicts. Those are your brain’s way of alerting you to better judgment situations. People are not inherently evil; life events and maltreatment from others cause them to choose darkness.
Respect.
Treating others how we would like to be treated while asking for that exact treatment in return can be difficult. It starts with accepting others for who they are as a whole person. We are not all created to be the same, and yet we tend to surround ourselves with people who only think and feel the way we do.
“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
– Albert Einstein
As humans, there are things we all do that are similar. We all need nourishment, connection, and a sense of purpose. With these similarities there also come significant differences, many of which are beyond even our control. Try to remember that everyone has a heart beating in their chest. The same heart that beats while longing for approval, acceptance, and love.
Trust
Trust is an emotion, and this emotion is conquered when you look within yourself. Trusting oneself and overcoming life’s wealth of diversities has to happen before you can truly trust another person. Trust is built slowly, and for those who have been burned, it can take a long time for that foundation to be completed. If by chance you have been mistreated, give yourself grace in knowing that not all humans are created equal. You will find genuine people who will never intentionally hurt you. You can be open and there are others who will treat you with the utmost of care.
So what does all this mean…?
Living a life that positively
impacts those you encounter is not easy. There will be times when you are met with unsurmountable diversity and pain. Use your compass. Choosing to find the good in those moments and others is a skill that must be practiced. Use your compass. You must learn the art and act of forgiveness ( blog post coming soon). I’m not saying we all have to be perfect. That is entirely not possible. But, if we all consciously choose the correct behavior for each interaction, we will undoubtedly set a good example for those around us. Little eyes are always watching.
There will be bad days. Days when you don’t see the value in taking out your compass and allowing it to guide you. Days when walking away from civilization and into the wilderness sounds more appealing. Resist, at least for now.
“The truth shall make you free”
John 8:32
-lead with kindness, and everything else will fall into place.
Life is all about choices, but how does one take control of their own life when other people’s choices greatly affect how one chooses to live?
By not standing up for what you believe in it will allow your life to unravel. Before long, you won’t even recognize who you are.
Losing everything, whether that’s having it taken from you or being pushed out of your comfort zone and away from it, is sometimes the only way to finally find your true self.
True happiness in life isn’t achieved with stuff. It’s about the people and experiences you surround yourself with.
The you that you think you are as a child and adolescent will change as you experience life. That change will either be painful or pleasant, it’s all about how you choose to walk your life’s path.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep on saying it. – People walk into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We don’t have any control over which one they happen to be. Just enjoy the time and the lessons each one brings with them.
Pain is inevitable. Dare to love anyway. Being able to and openly experiencing true love in your core is a gift from the universe.
You will be too much for some, not enough for others, and perfect for a select few. Keep doing you until you find those few.
Dare to be different. Don’t stay mixed in with the masses. Shine your light for all to see.
Live for the heart-stopping, breathtaking moments. Those moments will carry you through the darkness.
Set goals and push yourself to achieve them. Even if that means years of baby steps forward.
Don’t forget to smile. You could positively change someone’s day.
Kindness costs nothing.
Inhale your positive, exhale the negative.
Let shit go.
Your worth is not defined by the number on a piece of paper OR words others might say to you.
An open letter to those who have treated me poorly in the past. To the ones who have used me, lied to me, and told me everything that went wrong in our life was always in some way 100% my fault:
“If you think I’m too much, go find less If you’re good with good enough, I’m not it Don’t water me down To feel like you leveled up Yeah, if you think I’m too much, go find less.”
Riley Roth
If I am not good enough for you, try to find someone who will give as much as I did and ask for as little as I did in return. Find someone who will allow you to act the way you do and never hold you accountable for those actions. Find someone who loved you as I did. Find someone with a heart like mine.
You never will.
You tore me down. You made me feel worthless. Your words never matched your actions. Ever. You took and took and took until I had nothing left to give, and yet I still found a way to give you more.
You talked to me like I didn’t know what you had been saying behind my back.
I may have acted naïve, but I always knew.
Some of you put your hands on me out of anger. Some of you used your words to strip away my confidence. All of you backed me into a corner until I became submissive. And this meant you had complete control of me.
I allowed it.
None of you were there when I needed someone. Always too busy. Yet you had time to tell me what I should do in any given situation. What to say or how to act. I was always just a phone call away from you, yet silly me for thinking the phone worked both ways.
It has taken me far too long to see your true colors. I can finally see the monsters under the masks of friendship, family, and lovers. Too many moments allowing others to control my life, to have people in my life. I see now I am better off without you.
More strong, wiser, more at peace.
I am capable, intelligent, lovable, and someone shockingly still willing to love those around me.
You weren’t my family or my tribe. You are a cult that damn near sucked the life out of me. And I allowed it.
No more.
I am no longer the doormat. When you didn’t have use for me anymore, you tossed me out like a piece of trash. You could no longer manipulate me, and you recognized it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into every relationship, you made up lies and turned everyone against me.
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.”
Gloria Gaynor
Be gone with you. Please stay away from me. Stay out of my life. If you see me, walk the other way. Don’t ever speak my name. I no longer know you, nor do you know who I have become because of the abuse I suffered from your words and actions.
I am better for having been your scapegoat.
Even after all the times, I was appreciative of your reprehensible actions that somehow still gave you the right to disrespect everything about who I am.
I may never have been good enough at anything for any of you, but someday I will find the ones who see my light and cherish it.
I know who I want to be, who I am, and how I deserve to be treated.
I was always too much for every one of you. I will continue to speak my truth and shine my light on your darkness. A little advice: if you don’t like the words that come out of your mouth, never repeat your past actions. Your web of lies will tie you up like the flies you are. Someday you will have to answer for all those actions, and when that happens, I will be the one left standing.
Photo Credit: LHJ A single word can cause hundreds of negative ripples.
Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.
Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.
Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.
There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.
Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.
A gaslighters favorite phrases
“That never happened.”
“You’re crazy, and other people think so, too.”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
“Do you really think I’d make that up?”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”
“You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”
“I did that because I love you.”
“It’s all your fault.”
During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.
No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.
Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.
Things to say to a manipulator:
“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”
-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”
“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”
– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.
Consistently.
They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.
“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”
– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.
“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”
-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.
Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.
Frankly the question came to this: what was the matter with her? Was there, without her knowing it, some peculiar lack in her? Absurd. But she began to have a feeling of discouragement and hopelessness. Why couldn’t she be happy, content, somewhere Other people managed, somehow, to be. To put it plainly, didn’t she know how? Was she incapable of it?
Have you ever felt stuck? Living life every day, just going through the motions. Almost like you were living two different lives, yet not living at all?
History has shown us that in the blink of an eye, your whole world can be changed. What if the things that meant the most to you were traumatically taken away in an instant? Would your heart stop beating the right way?
When we are faced with hardship we are left to sift through the pain, disrespect, and complete disregard for anyone else feelings, and somehow process it all. It will be one heck of an educational experience, that’s for sure.
Has anyone else been given the ability to see people’s true colors, I mean, how they act when they don’t think you will find out? The truest versions of the ones you hold so dear. I am glad that we have the choice as to who we allow in our inner circle. We are not punished for walking away from those individuals who only cause us strife. It’s taken far too long to realize that just because people are blood, it doesn’t mean that they care about who you are.
Many of the people you associate with will not be there in your time of need, no matter how much you rearranged your life to be there for them during theirs. That has been a hard life lesson to learn.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
Mother Teresa
Change is never easy, it’s always a tad uncomfortable, but change is inevitable for us all. Learning how to accept changes that enter our lives with grace is something they should teach kids while they are in school. It’s one of the needed human behaviors that needs to be practiced, over and over again. Radical acceptance of the world around you. Learning how to know what is and isn’t within our control.
I don’t know about you, but my anxiety is worse when I don’t have a plan in place or when I don’t know where I stand with people. Did you know that overanalyzing yourself is a trauma response? Dang old trauma.
What do you do when the universe throws you a curve ball? How do you cope when change seems to be around every corner?
In the past, I typically would fall apart, get angry, and then resist. Now, I realize I am completely capable and take it in stride.
I most certainly don’t want change to happen. But, I have learned that there must be a lesson for me and I try to shift my mindset.
Unfortunately, the changes we experience in life are how we grow as humans.
I have found that a good way to handle changes is to find yourself a great coping strategy. They may be a quiet place to scream, write, and get in touch with nature. It might be out with friends or experiencing thrilling adventures to take your mind off it. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to Focus on themselves. It’s never easy and can lead you to some pretty eye-opening and maybe even uncomfortable understandings. Give yourself the opportunity and time to conquer long-fought battles with deeply hidden inner demons from your childhood. Stuffing our difficult emotions as a child will only lead to them exploding out when you least expect it as an adult.
Learning how to laugh again, is one of the hardest hills to climb I have recently decided. It’s not easy when you have looked at the world through dark lenses for so long. But the sense of peace that comes with being your true authentic self is a feeling I hope others can enjoy. I have enjoyed taking time to enjoy the beauty of the world around me.
Spend your time working on getting physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Cook/eat nourishing meals again. Make sure your body is allowing itself to be nourished. Another hard life lesson, Stress will most certainly kill you if you allow it. Find ways to relax, be able to take a deep breathe. Speaking of breathing, you might be doing it the wrong way.
Check out the book “Breath: The new Science of a Lost Art” by James Nestor.
Challenge yourself to feel the inner calm, it’s like unlocking the next level in this game we could call adulthood.
I was today years old when I actually gave myself the time and ability to practice Self-care, that crap is SUPER important. Also wasn’t something I was taught as a child. For those who are on your own healing journey, it’s ok if spending time with yourself is uncomfortable. Keep doing it, it does get better.
Looking back, My life had gotten to the point where I felt like I was on autopilot. The quicksand had sucked me in.
They say to get out of quicksand you have to wiggle slowly.
If you have been through tough times. if you have seen/ experienced traumatic things. Take the time to slow down, get back to the basics, and retrain your brain on how to feel safe again.
– you are living proof you can make it through your hard days💗
Being a mom is my most loved adventure. Helping my little ones navigate developmental milestones in this sometimes unforgiving world gave me an exhilarating sense of purpose.
For them, I have always tried to make each birthday memorable. I was always going over the top, stressing about making the day perfect. If I am being honest with myself, I dislike birthdays.
This stems from childhood.
As a child, my birthdays were more about my mother than myself. She was the center of attention. The gifts were always something she wanted for me and not what I wanted. Ever. As I grew, I started to shy away from celebrating.
I would rather forget a day that most plan on all year.
The first birthday that meant anything to me was my twenty-first.
That day I was blessed to have created my first golden memory. My best friend made me feel like a princess. She made me feel loved. The smell of tequila still brings me back to laughing so hard we had tears streaming down our faces. The type of laughter where your sides hurt for days afterward. A night full of acting a fool and giving no thought to who was watching. That night I started a new year of firsts, starting with all the confidence I had been missing.
Fast forward in life, and I have always tried to make each of my kids’ birthdays something to remember. I have spent endless hours listening to them and planning the best day with them at the center, and each day started with sprinkled pancakes and lots of laughs. Occasionally we would have large parties with all our family and friends. But those quickly turned into our goofy little group spending much-desired quality time together. I wanted my kids to have all I didn’t, a day that made them feel extra special.
The only thing I had ever really wanted.
This year, on my birthday, I decided to say YES.
40 is:
A new healthier outlook on life.
A calmer mindset.
A Healed soul.
A year of new beginnings.
This next year for me, will be a “Yes” year.
More yes without fear. Knowing it’s ok to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected by those you choose to share your time with.
Knowing my worth and not settling for anything less.
Bring on the laughing so hard my cheeks and sides hurt.
More amazing memories with my little goof troop.
New photos.
New experiences.
My only birthday wish for the universe this year is to find a soul’s connection that will transcend time and space. I know my soul mate is out there somewhere. He’s probably lost and just too stubborn to ask for directions.
Roar louder than your demons 