Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy
I have always forgiven those who have wronged me, even if deep down I felt it wasn’t the right decision. Even though I have been able to forgive those in my life, I have had a much harder time forgiving myself.
In my soul-searching journey, I have realized the inability to forgive myself stems from wanting to be accepted and loved by those I care deeply about. I have tried so hard to be perfect for those around me that it nearly took my life.
The pursuit of perfection isn’t something that can be accomplished unless you are striving for perfection in the eyes of the lord.
Over the last year, I have realized that not everyone deserves forgiveness and I am no less of a person for choosing to not allow those who hurt me back into my life. One must strive for peace in all things, even if this means walking away from those you onced loved or cared for.
I am like many people who are over-critical of every move they make. I know now that’s from years of childhood abuse that has always been just under the surface. I have become a master at putting on a smile while I am breaking apart inside, in order to not be a burden to others.
It’s a very lonely place to live.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that if you surround yourself with people who care about your character and personal growth you can not be a burden in any way. These people are willing to walk the straight and narrow path with you, holding your hand during the trials and enjoy celebrating your accomplishments.
The more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.
Confucius
Take the time to look back over your past and learn from the mistakes you made.
Looking through the lens of a different perspective you will gain healthy insight as to the way things in your past happened. Notice the patterns. Fix what may be broken within you. We are all humans who are hard-wired to make mistakes and none of us will ever be absolutely perfect.
Recall past perseverance and how you accomplished the impossible. You can do this!
Take a step, even just a small one. One small step forward every morning. Lead with your heart, no matter how ragged and torn it may be. It still beats in your chest, giving you purpose and infinite possibilities.
Set a reasonable pace. Don’t rush yourself. Give yourself grace. Understand there will be setbacks, and you will want to give up. These are part of the process. Keep going.
Try other solutions. We know Rome wasn’t built in a single day, and you can imagine they made mistakes that needed to be fixed. Try not to get discouraged with your progress or lack thereof. Think outside the box, restart from where you are, and move forward one day at a time.
Be patient and give things time. The universe will provide, all in due time.
Just keep going (even if it’s only in your mind). Grateful from the moment you put your feet on the floor. Pain tells us we are alive, and we become stronger and more knowledgeable due to our experience.
“Fall seven times and stand up eight.” – Japanese Proverb
Forgiveness has always been something I was proud that I was able to accomplish. That was until I realized I was doing it all wrong. I always allowed others to treat me poorly, and I would internalize their words and believe that there was a fundamental flaw in who I was as a person. I would then allow that person to stay in my life and continue to use me as their punching bag when they needed to release hate, anger, and toxicity. Years of swallowing my pride, silencing my voice, and changing who I was to fit into the picture that other people wanted me to be.
Recently I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness. Did you know you are not supposed to sacrifice yourself for others? You can hold anger and resentment for how others treat you, regardless of whether you said anything at the moment. It is completely OK to not forgive someone for things they may have said or done to you.
Sometimes we have to forgive. Humans aren’t perfect, and we all have bad days. We have to learn to let stuff go. You most likely will never see the person in the grocery store who was grumpy again, so let that go. You will probably never cross paths with the guy who cut you off in traffic or the lady who gives you a nasty look in the clothing store, so let that stuff go. Lead with love. You can change people’s lives with just a smile.
Making sure to hold those closest to you accountable for their words and behavior, contrary to popular opinion, is, allowed and very much NEEDED to have a healthy relationship. Pushing others away, simply walking away, or putting distance between those closest to you is how healthy boundaries are created and maintained. Trust your gut! You do not have to be the emotional dumping ground for others. Those you’ve chosen to be lucky enough to get close to you should want to help your garden grow, not try and destroy it.
Forgiveness is a two-way street. Each party must admit fault, apologize sincerely, and avoid repeating the same behavior—three distinct efforts to save something, if it’s worth saving. Don’t be ashamed if you decide there is nothing to save. One can only allow hurt by others for so long before you have to choose peace.
We all have our timelines for forgiving someone. It does not need to happen overnight, and it may, in fact, take years. You must weigh all the options and know you are making the right decision for your heart. You may realize that forgiveness means walking away from the other person forever, and that is ok!
Be patient with those who prove they want you around. Their behavior will prove they are sorry for their toxic demeanor towards you. There are people out there who genuinely do love you, but remember, we are all carrying our baggage, and sometimes, inadvertently, we sling that at others. We all make mistakes, say and do things we regret; humans are incredibly messy, and each should be able to correct their errors.
How does one ask for or start the forgiving process?
Step one: Exoneration
Step two: Forbearance
Step three: Release
I repeat…Release: let it go!
Don’t hold on to the weight of past hurt and pain. The darkness will prevent you from seeing the wonders all around you.
What is the path to asking for forgiveness? – The following are things that can be done by an individual to be granted forgiveness:
Responsibility –
Take responsibility for the action. Your actions or behavior can hurt others even if you are not meaning to.
Regret –
This comes with having a conscience. Understand that some people may never regret any of their choices. You will have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
Repentance –
Find a way to make it better. This step doesn’t have to be grand gestures or expensive gifts; actions speak louder than words. Sometimes words are all that one needs. Hearing a regretful tone with an apology can make all the difference.
Reconcile –
This may not be possible. Understand it, accept it, and move on.
Restitution –
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we made people pay for their wrongdoings towards us? You can withhold time, I suppose. But holding the past hurts against someone actively trying to improve and move forward, may not be the best option. That type of behavior could require your own need for forgiveness.
Remember to go at your own pace. Hurt from others is a part of this life. It teaches us lessons about ourselves and our character. It shapes who we are, whether we like it or not.
We all carry the hurt from others. Some of us for years before we are willing and able to let go, with massive amounts of work before we are finally able to set it down and move forward.
loving, kind, and compassionate. Trusting. Eager. Pure hearted. Relentless in the pursuit of happiness.
Now…..
Emotionless, numb, and Empty.
A lack of desire to interact with others. Constantly on edge and suspicious.
People in this world can turn your heart into stone. This action changes your perceptions of the world around you and makes you second-guess your very experiences.
They are the problem, not you. Keep moving forward.
An open letter to those who have treated me poorly in the past. To the ones who have used me, lied to me, and told me everything that went wrong in our life was always in some way 100% my fault:
“If you think I’m too much, go find less If you’re good with good enough, I’m not it Don’t water me down To feel like you leveled up Yeah, if you think I’m too much, go find less.”
Riley Roth
If I am not good enough for you, try to find someone who will give as much as I did and ask for as little as I did in return. Find someone who will allow you to act the way you do and never hold you accountable for those actions. Find someone who loved you as I did. Find someone with a heart like mine.
You never will.
You tore me down. You made me feel worthless. Your words never matched your actions. Ever. You took and took and took until I had nothing left to give, and yet I still found a way to give you more.
You talked to me like I didn’t know what you had been saying behind my back.
I may have acted naïve, but I always knew.
Some of you put your hands on me out of anger. Some of you used your words to strip away my confidence. All of you backed me into a corner until I became submissive. And this meant you had complete control of me.
I allowed it.
None of you were there when I needed someone. Always too busy. Yet you had time to tell me what I should do in any given situation. What to say or how to act. I was always just a phone call away from you, yet silly me for thinking the phone worked both ways.
It has taken me far too long to see your true colors. I can finally see the monsters under the masks of friendship, family, and lovers. Too many moments allowing others to control my life, to have people in my life. I see now I am better off without you.
More strong, wiser, more at peace.
I am capable, intelligent, lovable, and someone shockingly still willing to love those around me.
You weren’t my family or my tribe. You are a cult that damn near sucked the life out of me. And I allowed it.
No more.
I am no longer the doormat. When you didn’t have use for me anymore, you tossed me out like a piece of trash. You could no longer manipulate me, and you recognized it. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into every relationship, you made up lies and turned everyone against me.
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.”
Gloria Gaynor
Be gone with you. Please stay away from me. Stay out of my life. If you see me, walk the other way. Don’t ever speak my name. I no longer know you, nor do you know who I have become because of the abuse I suffered from your words and actions.
I am better for having been your scapegoat.
Even after all the times, I was appreciative of your reprehensible actions that somehow still gave you the right to disrespect everything about who I am.
I may never have been good enough at anything for any of you, but someday I will find the ones who see my light and cherish it.
I know who I want to be, who I am, and how I deserve to be treated.
I was always too much for every one of you. I will continue to speak my truth and shine my light on your darkness. A little advice: if you don’t like the words that come out of your mouth, never repeat your past actions. Your web of lies will tie you up like the flies you are. Someday you will have to answer for all those actions, and when that happens, I will be the one left standing.
Frankly the question came to this: what was the matter with her? Was there, without her knowing it, some peculiar lack in her? Absurd. But she began to have a feeling of discouragement and hopelessness. Why couldn’t she be happy, content, somewhere Other people managed, somehow, to be. To put it plainly, didn’t she know how? Was she incapable of it?
Have you ever felt stuck? Living life every day, just going through the motions. Almost like you were living two different lives, yet not living at all?
History has shown us that in the blink of an eye, your whole world can be changed. What if the things that meant the most to you were traumatically taken away in an instant? Would your heart stop beating the right way?
When we are faced with hardship we are left to sift through the pain, disrespect, and complete disregard for anyone else feelings, and somehow process it all. It will be one heck of an educational experience, that’s for sure.
Has anyone else been given the ability to see people’s true colors, I mean, how they act when they don’t think you will find out? The truest versions of the ones you hold so dear. I am glad that we have the choice as to who we allow in our inner circle. We are not punished for walking away from those individuals who only cause us strife. It’s taken far too long to realize that just because people are blood, it doesn’t mean that they care about who you are.
Many of the people you associate with will not be there in your time of need, no matter how much you rearranged your life to be there for them during theirs. That has been a hard life lesson to learn.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
Mother Teresa
Change is never easy, it’s always a tad uncomfortable, but change is inevitable for us all. Learning how to accept changes that enter our lives with grace is something they should teach kids while they are in school. It’s one of the needed human behaviors that needs to be practiced, over and over again. Radical acceptance of the world around you. Learning how to know what is and isn’t within our control.
I don’t know about you, but my anxiety is worse when I don’t have a plan in place or when I don’t know where I stand with people. Did you know that overanalyzing yourself is a trauma response? Dang old trauma.
What do you do when the universe throws you a curve ball? How do you cope when change seems to be around every corner?
In the past, I typically would fall apart, get angry, and then resist. Now, I realize I am completely capable and take it in stride.
I most certainly don’t want change to happen. But, I have learned that there must be a lesson for me and I try to shift my mindset.
Unfortunately, the changes we experience in life are how we grow as humans.
I have found that a good way to handle changes is to find yourself a great coping strategy. They may be a quiet place to scream, write, and get in touch with nature. It might be out with friends or experiencing thrilling adventures to take your mind off it. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to Focus on themselves. It’s never easy and can lead you to some pretty eye-opening and maybe even uncomfortable understandings. Give yourself the opportunity and time to conquer long-fought battles with deeply hidden inner demons from your childhood. Stuffing our difficult emotions as a child will only lead to them exploding out when you least expect it as an adult.
Learning how to laugh again, is one of the hardest hills to climb I have recently decided. It’s not easy when you have looked at the world through dark lenses for so long. But the sense of peace that comes with being your true authentic self is a feeling I hope others can enjoy. I have enjoyed taking time to enjoy the beauty of the world around me.
Spend your time working on getting physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Cook/eat nourishing meals again. Make sure your body is allowing itself to be nourished. Another hard life lesson, Stress will most certainly kill you if you allow it. Find ways to relax, be able to take a deep breathe. Speaking of breathing, you might be doing it the wrong way.
Check out the book “Breath: The new Science of a Lost Art” by James Nestor.
Challenge yourself to feel the inner calm, it’s like unlocking the next level in this game we could call adulthood.
I was today years old when I actually gave myself the time and ability to practice Self-care, that crap is SUPER important. Also wasn’t something I was taught as a child. For those who are on your own healing journey, it’s ok if spending time with yourself is uncomfortable. Keep doing it, it does get better.
Looking back, My life had gotten to the point where I felt like I was on autopilot. The quicksand had sucked me in.
They say to get out of quicksand you have to wiggle slowly.
If you have been through tough times. if you have seen/ experienced traumatic things. Take the time to slow down, get back to the basics, and retrain your brain on how to feel safe again.
– you are living proof you can make it through your hard days💗
Roar louder than your demons 