In the shadows cast by moonlit skies, a tale of neglect silently lies.
The Untold Story of Her Wounded Heart, where parental love was torn apart.
A child, once innocent and pure,
seeks solace, but love is obscure.
Like an abandoned garden, overgrown, her fragile soul was left to face life alone.
Neglect, with its crushing weight,
stifling dreams, sealing her fate.
In empty rooms, echoes of cries,
Her unheard pleas that pierce the skies.
Without a nurturing embrace, a void expands, leaving no trace. As dreams wither, hopes disarrayed, the seeds of love start to fade.
Her days are filled with silent yearning for a tender touch, a loving embrace. But instead, a cold detachment binds them, leaving scars etched deep in her fragile mind.
The laughter of childhood, stolen away, in the darkness, she struggled, day by day. Aching for warmth, for a gentle embrace,
to feel seen and valued in this lonely place.
Yet in her eyes, resilience blooms,
Like a phoenix rising from ash-filled tombs, she strives and seeks to love anew, stepping forward to find true love.
To all who suffer, know you’re not alone. Some hearts see the pain you carry that heavyweight seek solace in love, everlasting and bound by fate.
For in brokenness, strength lies in the wait, the power to heal, to rewrite your fate. And when love finds you, as it surely will, may it mend the wounds and may your heart refill.
Let no neglect define your worth, in your voice let resilience be unearthed. You are a star, ever shining bright, a survivor, breaking through the darkest night.
Intelligent people say to speak your truth. If those who hurt you don’t like what you have to say, they should have thought about their actions before they committed them. Or at least apologize once they knew how those actions hurt you.
Here’s a hard life lesson that some learn too late.
*Broken people, hurt people*
It costs absolutely nothing to be kind to others.
Please check yourself.
Try not to allow your actions to hurt those around you.
You never know what battles they are fighting inside.
The person behind that smile may be walking a tightrope over a pit of darkness.
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The World Health Organization estimated in 2019 that there were 301 million people affected by anxiety and only 5% of the global population are affected by depression.
I call BS.
Those numbers are of the brave souls who spoke up and asked for help. So many are too afraid to speak out due to the drastic life changing consequences that would happen if they did.
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Physical, emotional, and psychological abuse kept me silent for far too long.
I am no longer bound by the chains of the experiences of my past.
I will continue to speak out for those who can’t use their voice in hopes it will give them the strength to start.
Stick around we have only just scratched the surface.
Photo Credit: LHJ A single word can cause hundreds of negative ripples.
Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.
Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.
Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.
There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.
Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.
A gaslighters favorite phrases
“That never happened.”
“You’re crazy, and other people think so, too.”
“I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
“Do you really think I’d make that up?”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”
“You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”
“I did that because I love you.”
“It’s all your fault.”
During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.
No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.
Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.
Things to say to a manipulator:
“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”
-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”
“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”
– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.
Consistently.
They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.
“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”
– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.
“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”
-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.
Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.
I feel most like myself when I can be comfortable around people. The silly, sassy, giddy self that makes all my anxiety and worries disappear. Trusting other people has never been easy for me, if I am being honest with myself I don’t know if I will ever fully trust another person again.
I never actually learned how to trust those who walk into my life. If past experiences are what I have to go on, there isn’t a single person that can fully be trusted. They all did what they had to do to get what they wanted and didn’t seem to bother with the pain they may have caused others—pure selfishness. When push came to shove, they always chose themselves.
I believe knowing how to trust is how we begin learning to love. No one taught me what love is or what it means, how to adequately love those or be loved by those in my life. That wasn’t something I learned until I had my own children. More on them later. Maybe.
Now before you think…
‘gosh, this girl is jaded. Life isn’t all bad. People aren’t all bad, and some can be incredible.’
Logically yes, I agree with you. But, when I take time to reflect on this life, more importantly, the life I have experienced over the last few years the actions of those I grew up with educated me differently. And when I say those I grew up with, I mean over the last forty years. I am just know feeling like an adult. Healing a broken inner childhas given me the ability to feel like a productive adult. Only a handful of people in my life were kind, honest, and genuine. The maority showed me that I was replaceable and, even more, that I was worthless to them.
I have recently begun to understand that growing up a child of abusive parents has long-lasting effects. Now before you scratch your head and wonder why it’s taken me so long to realize that, let me let you in on a secret.
As parents, we might not understand that what we are doing, our parenting style, and the way we were raised, could be hurting our children’s mental health.
Parenting is generally a cycle that you continue from how your parents raised you. Many of us grow up vowing to do parenting differently. To be better than what we had. You can break the mold. It’s not easy work, you have to dare to be different.
It’s a daily conscious decision to be a better parent than you might have had. Time to think outside the box. Each of your children needs a different version of you. If you think I am wrong, there are oodles of books that will back me up. Take a trip to the bookstore for some much-deserved quality quiet time.
They may need a different version of you at different stages in their development. Mind-blowing. I know. We have to grow up with our children. Even if you’ve been a parent many times over, each child is different and requires a different set of personal and emotional ideals to be come the best versions of themselves.
It’s our job as parents to listen, be available, and be willing to set aside our wants and ideals to help these little individuals grow to be the best version of who they are. Read that last statement again if you need it. We are NOT to make them into mini versions of ourselves. Don’t push your desires on your children, it will only push them away.
I’m not suggesting you allow your children to become savages; on the contrary.
Teach boundaries and respect for others as well as for themselves. Teach self-discipline and emotional regulation. Most of all, always express a willingness to have an open mind and understanding, this is achievable with honest acceptance and unconditional love.
Let me give you a little background on who I am.
I was born to a narcissist. Abandoned by my biological father as soon as he found out about me, or at least that is what my parents always told me. And then ‘saved’ by a narcissist who chose to marry my mother ‘because of me.’ – Whatever that means.
I was an only child who desperately wanted to feel love and acceptance for the messy, sassy, and free-thinking spirit I was. My parents conditioned me from a young age to strive for perfection in every aspect of life. I had to conform to their set of ideals to gain their love and affection. If I didn’t do the right thing, say the right thing, or think the right way, I was neglected and punished. Either physically abused or ignored.
They set me up for failure from the very start. Leaving me with the lasting realization that my best, who I was at my core, would never be good enough for anyone, EVER.
I grew into a detached young adult who spent my days trying to fill a void that never could be filled—relationship after relationship that always ended in confusion and pain.
Why? Because I didn’t love myself.
I was never adequately taught how.
I felt more like a shiny accessory than a person. When my light would become dull because of self-doubt, or I began to feel comfortable around others and act like my true self, the fear of rejection took over. The open-minded and unable-to-be-silenced version of myself very rarely showed. The person I was, was inevitably replaced with someone else, someone who would always do what was expected of her. Someone afraid to say no to others.
Listen,
those of you who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments know that one can only be controlled by others for so long.
Once you learn the behavior patterns and see that you are manipulated into living a certain way, you tend to become rebellious.
Thankfully my eyes were opened when I moved out on my own.
I will talk about therapy a lot in this blog. But only because I spent years running from it. Oddly enough, therapists have been the ones who have shown me kindness, empathy, and even love.
I’ve had to pay people to show me basic human rights. Things the family I was born into should have given freely and didn’t.
All of these actions are free, by the way. And it cost zero to be a kind person to others. There are so many Good and decent people in the world who show others every day simple dignity and respect.
It took me years, a whole lot of running from myself, but finally, I am allowing the facade to come down and being raw in therapy helped me find my true self. Please don’t get me wrong; therapy was complex. I went through my fair share of ‘guides,’ mainly because I wasn’t fully ready to commit to, and admit that, I needed the help. That I have recently learned, is a very toxic trait children of abuse carry on with them. The ingrained understanding is that you have to do everything on your own or you are in some way less than others or weak.
Absolutely NOT TRUE.
Self-reflection and self-acceptance have shown me that the person I am was molded from all the abuse, trauma, and pain, she is incredible.
She is gorgeous. Inside and out.
Much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Such a fighter, not only because I’ve always had to be. But because I was born to be.
Now, to put down those gloves, stop fighting with myself, and love who I am and who I’ve become, that’s a chapter I soon hope to write.
I only felt love for the first time the moment I heard my children’s heartbeats—the overwhelming emotion when I saw that tiny little blip on the screen. I’d never known the true meaning of the word. My heart didn’t understand the emotions when they handed each to me for the first time. I was in awe.
My childhood experiences showed me that love didn’t exist because, at some point, the other party always hurts you or leaves. Thankfully I have been blessed that I have felt from my children the love and acceptance I didn’t get as a child. They have proven to me every day that love is an action, and it’s more abundant when shared with others.
Therapy helped me see that I have done that as their mother. I taught them how to love. Unconditionally.
I have tried to teach them how to be forgiving and kind. The universe knows they have forgiven me for more than I deserve. They know I am not perfect, and they still love me.
Watching me overcome my struggles they know we are all messy, and having faults is okay. They know Love doesn’t come with a price tag. It’s not the quantity of things you have; it’s the quality of time and the people you choose to spend it with that matter more.
If I can let my hair down, dance, and enjoy a good belly laugh around you, that’s when you know you have the best version of me. Recently I have decided that Success looks like laughs, wrinkles, gray hair, and sitting by the fire still holding hands. Watching the family I’ve built play in the backyard.
I pray that someday the universe sends me a love defying the laws of gravity. Something, and someone to grab ahold of, and it won’t ever let me go. Until then, I will continue to learn how to heal and most importantly love myself.
– Peace be with you, my friend. We are all on a journey. Try to enjoy every moment.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Gautama Buddha
How many of us have been holding on to anger and hurt from past relationships for far too long? Allowing the resentment of the past to sit and rot within us. Feeling like we must have done something to deserve the disrespect for someone else’s words and actions is only punishing ourselves. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just don’t assume you are the only one at fault.
Be honest, who’s been there, done that?
Why do we think if we act ‘perfect enough,’ we will be accepted and loved? That we will be wanted by the person we desire. That our undivided attention will make the other person stay.
To all those good people who seem to be attracted to the bad ones, listen up.
One person can not change another. We all have a hard time admitting that we might need to change some undesirable trait about ourselves. Add to that having the desire to stick to it. Think about the last time you made a New Year’s Resolution. How long did it take for your brain to give up and return to your old ways?
Ever wondered what gives us the desire or audacity to think that our love can change someone into what we want or need them to be to make us feel whole?
Trauma.
That mixed with a lack of self-respect and having no clue about our self-worth. It’s the perfect storm.
We need to do better. We need to try harder, for ourselves. Knowing your worth and letting go of negative people is not being selfish. Frankly, it’s the first step in the self-care journey.
There are those in this world who will pray on you, on purpose. It WILL be hard to know or see the truth until it’s too late. These are the relationships you will learn the most from. Your personal growth will be stunted while you live in these types of relationships. You won’t be able to put your finger on it, but you will always second-guess their actions. When the universe finally forces you out, you will hit bottom and must claw yourself back to the top of your mountain of self-discovery.
It is going to crush you.
You may even feel worthless and broken. This is only temporary, I promise. Society has conditioned us all to think we need to be in a relationship, we need to be part of something, regardless of if that relationship is good for us.
RESIST.
Learn your worth and set boundaries that require you not to settle for any less than you deserve. Figure that out. Do some soul searching and learn how to respect yourself first, then use that to create relationships with others that build on that respect.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, people, and neither is the life you were meant to create.
If you don’t like your current situation, remember you are not a tree with roots, figure out what makes you truly happy and make the necessary changes. Don’t use the inability to navigate change as an excuse. Change your hair, and your style, and move if you need to. Change doesn’t have to be giant steps. Take it slow. Break it down into small manageable pieces. One day at a time. Commit to being a better you in all aspects of your life. Allow the hurt to happen because being at rock bottom is when we learn the most about ourselves. Currently, I am learning to let things go.
“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.
– Elsa ( gotta love Disney)
Ha! Disney music and it’s innate ability to remind adults what’s truly important.
My most significant source of fear, anxiety, and distress stems from not being or feeling loved for who I am at my core. When I was young, I was taught to sit still and look pretty. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to. Be seen and never heard. Just smile and nod, no one cares what you have to say. Because of this, I have for years hidden my true self away, only showing glimpses to those I thought could be trusted.
When we look inward and work on those things that we don’t like, even about ourselves, that’s when life begins. That is when we start to understand how our pasts have molded us into who we are meant to become.
Let go of the negative.
The negative outlook. The negative thoughts. The negative self talk. All of it.
Choose to look at the positive. Be grateful for the little moments in life. Make a point to make memories that will withstand even the darkest times. Smile more. Have hope. Give yourself some grace. Stop allowing others to tell you what makes you happy. Take the necessary time and figure that out on your own.
Trigger warning: the following statement may shock some of you…
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.
How does someone who’s been mistreatedlarn to feel good enough about what they contribute to this world?
Baby steps!
We are all worthy of a love that makes us weak in the knees. A love that shows through actions that you are a priority and they only want all of you. I have been told that relationships and love like this do in fact exist for each of us.
I have yet to see it in its proper form.
I’m beginning to understand that finding this type of connection begins when you learn to love yourself, and that work can be extremely isolating.
It generally doesn’t start until we have been hurt to our core and finally realize that we must walk away from everything we’ve ever known to preserve what’s left of our dignity. Starting over can be incredibly scary. Think of all the times you started something and the fear you felt in those moments. Now think about how those situations turn out. You can do anything you set your mind to. Being uncomfortable won’t last forever. You just needed to adjust, realize your strengths and weaknesses, and put in a little effort. Ok, well maybe you’ll need to put in a lot of effort. Regardless you have made it through all your hardest days to this point, so anything is possible. You, my friend, are living proof of that!
A question for the crowd.
Is being loyal and committed to the people in your life such a crazy idea?
These days, for sure! I don’t know about all of you, but I have given my all to those who have said they loved me and gotten nothing but absolute abuse in return. Psychologically beat up for things I didn’t do. Things I had no control over. I have since realized, that what I give is in fact good enough. And that I am far too nice to others who don’t deserve even a moment of my time. I’ve wasted a lot of breath on people who shouldn’t have been allowed in my orbit. Check the people in your life, ctrl + alt and delete the ones that don’t add positive vibes to your soul.
I see now that doing more for others and not getting the same in return is a trauma response. Overextending myself in hopes of feeling love and the need to be wanted by those I genuinely care about—fear of abandonment at its core.
Here’s where that letting go comes in.
You can only do so much.
Remember, when you board a plane and right before take-off, they tell you to place your oxygen mask on first and then help those around you. – Yes, moms, this applies to you as well. (Shocker, I know.) DON’T give away your oxygen to those who will suck the life right out of you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Be selfish with your time, energy, and love.
Make sure your mind, body, and soul are healthy. Allow yourself to be numero Uno from the start. NEVER sacrifice that mindset.
Let the negativity of people and situations in your life go. You could not and can not control them, so why feel bad about how things turned out?
If you let your heart lead with love and give your absolute best in each interaction, you have nothing to lose or worry about. People are messy and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have baggage. Just be extra cautious as to whose baggage you allow in your presents.
Everyone sees life through different lenses. Always remember that our pasts, however different, generally control how we react in any given situation. And with a little bit of inner work, and self-love we can change these reactions. This work isn’t always easy, it does require us to recognize our old patterns of behavior, accept them, and then make the conscious choice to act and think differently.
A solid change in behavior means committing to the follow-through.
Which I understand can be scary for many. Here is where giving yourself some grace comes in, we are all a work in progress.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
– Mother Teresa
Use that stone, or negative past event, to symbolize letting go of what is holding you down. Watch it skip across the water and away from you. Then sinking and never to be worried about again.
You are each worthy of time, undivided attention, and unconditional affection.
The right one will find you. Don’t rush it, when it’s meant to be it will be.
Until then, respect yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and please try to let the negativity go. Allow your inner voice to remind you of your infinite worth.
Girl, you tried. You gave your all and then some. You tried to be perfect for everyone that you interacted with. ALWAYS.
You ALWAYS worried over every little thing.
You allowed that worry to eat at you and over the years it broke down your view of yourself.
You are and always have been an incredible woman. You may not have known how to adequately navigate the problems that you encountered in your life so far, but you NEVER let that stop you. You ALWAYS kept a smile on your face and kept going.
Nevertheless, you learned so many lessons. Make sure to continue to carry every one of them with you. You have always been enough. I hope one day you will see that. It would help if you truly felt that. All you need to see and focus on is how your gifts are wonderfully designed to bring love and light to all you meet.
Your foundation wasn’t what it should have been. You had parents who were too worried about looking perfect so that the dark of their lives never showed. They neglected you, abused you, and conditioned you to feel worthless. You were constantly trying to achieve perfection. That level of life was never attainable, by the way. You force yourself to be someone other than who you truly are to feel love and to be accepted.
Growing up was hard. Life handed you lemons consistently.
Yet somehow you made it through. And with a smile on your face even. Boss lady status!
The abuse you suffered at the hand of those who were supposed to love, protect and guide you is unforgivable. Those people never deserved your tender heart. You are living proof that putting one foot in front of the other, even on the worst days, can be achieved with a smile. Please keep smiling, for it’s one of your best features. You lost sight of the epic life force that’s within you. I know you will find it again. When that light gets dim, grab hold of your faith and don’t ever stop searching.
One of the most essential things the past has taught you is patience. This has been a hard life lesson to come to terms with, slow and steady and you will win the race.
I’m sorry for not believing in you. I’m sorry for being so hard on you all the time. You are completely capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. It took me far too long to realize that. You’ve fought hard daily to prove to others that you deserve their time, attention, and affection. STOP THAT! It would help your heart and stress level if you didn’t have to fight so hard for those things. To find people who will see your true character and love you beyond measure. They ARE out there and you deserve them. Your past heartbreaks are not in vain. They have taught you many valuable lessons and molded you into the strong, independent, powerful woman you are becoming. Looking back, I hope you see that you deserve to be given the world and treated like a queen. Remember not to look back for too long, the road ahead is beautiful because of the darkness that lies behind.
Don’t worry, you are still healing and working on finding that person who lights you up inside. You have done so much good work. Breaking generational cycles is challenging and emotionally draining. But you, dear, you have been a rockstar. You have put so much good into the universe, regardless of what this life has put in your path. I believe it will all return when the time is right for you.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.
-Robin Williams
Loving people and seeing their true potential is a gift. But remember, just because you have this superpower doesn’t mean those people will do the work required to live their full potential. You have always only wanted what was best for those closest to you. But they have to make those choices. Lead with love.
You are a life coach in every aspect.
You have unfortunately learned that not everyone in your circle is a good person with a good heart. You have met very few in your life so far who are genuine and deserving of your time. You have been underappreciated, undervalued, and downright used. Used for your gifts, your talents, your tender heart, and your unconditional ability to love. Yet, even after all that pain and suffering, you still have the ability and desire to love all those who walk into your life’s path. I hope in the future, you set better boundaries and stick to them.
Your ability to love even those who break your heart is a superpower.
Even though there are those you will never be able to forgive, your life will be extraordinary.
You have chosen a few who honestly don’t deserve you—having your heart continually broken by those you have given so much to can cause deep-seated anger.
Let that anger go.
It will eat at you.
All the past hurts, and repressed emotions started to show when your body manifested physical pain. It took years, but you finally took the time, accepted the help, and began uncovering the root of your PTSD. You took responsibility for others’ actions towards you. You are slowly healing and becoming healthy again.
You are finally starting to love yourself. To feel confident and comfortable in your skin. You have now built an incredible version of yourself that is unrecognizable to those who once knew you. You should be proud of all you have lived through and accomplished. You are proof that hard work, tears, and determination pay off.
Roar louder than your demons 