Once…..
loving, kind, and compassionate. Trusting. Eager. Pure hearted. Relentless in the pursuit of happiness.
Now…..
Emotionless, numb, and Empty.
A lack of desire to interact with others. Constantly on edge and suspicious.
People in this world can turn your heart into stone. This action changes your perceptions of the world around you and makes you second-guess your very experiences.
They are the problem, not you. Keep moving forward.
A compass helps you find your way if you happen to find yourself lost in the wilderness. Thanks to the magical magnetic pull, you will always know which way is proper north so that you can right yourself and find civilization.
Outdoor tip #1, ‘Don’t go out into the woods without your trusted compass.’
Now I am not a super religious individual. I have attended different churches on occasion and have always tried to live by the words I heard consistently as a child. ‘Treat others the way you would like to be treated.’ Due to this, I have learned that we, as humans, have what’s called a moral compass. A gift that is given to us all from the moment we take our first breath. Now there are some who actively ignore this inner guide. While others cannot deny its magnetic pull toward truthfulness.
Morals are your road map to help guide you through the right and wrong of this life based on past experiences. Hey question, does anyone know which Isle the moral compass is in at the sporting goods store?
I’ve got a few people who need a gift…
As a coach, I could watch athletes set goals and crush them in the same season. The moment they light up with excitement as they achieve a long-sought-after goal brings a sense of pride and accomplishment for helping to support them on their journey. Due to my love of people and for helping others succeed, I have had the pleasure of watching a lot of these moments happen firsthand. Watching others reach their full potential is pretty incredible.
I have gotten to know all sorts of people in this life so far, Saints, sinners, and so many in between. No one is perfect, and no one should strive to become perfect.
It is unattainable.
We all will inevitably make mistakes. We will lose our way, fall, and struggle to recover. What defines us in those moments? What shows our true character, is that some will either choose to right those wrongs or choose the easy way out and continue in the darkness.
For those who hit rock bottom and find their way back to the light, the work of betterment is never over. To actively make choices to become a better version of who they might want to become. The creation of a moral compass is reborn, and each day is an opportunity for them to live a much better life.
Those who don’t want to put in the work, are lost. Many without a direction, and destined to continue wandering in the wilderness. They will struggle with each interaction. Never fully regaining their sense of purpose and always searching for the next best thing.
If you haven’t taken the time to enjoy therapy, here is a free session with tips on finding your way back through the dark times.
Dependability.
How many of us can say we have people we can call on through thick and thin? If you do, you should consider yourself very lucky.
Most people these days are extraordinarily self-reliant and only think of themselves when it comes to being someone they can truly count on. For those who haven’t heard of the word dependability, it means that people can rely on you and that you will keep promises that you make to others. I had always thought that dependability and being family meant that being blood came with a responsibility to be dependable for those who you shared DNA with. That was a lie.
One I lived under for far too long. Pay attention to the character of those around you. Don’t allow yourself to be naive. Set boundaries, put yourself out there, and be there for those you care about without hesitation or Quid pro quo. Take the time to work on yourself and become the best version of yourself at any moment.
Loyalty.
In this day and age, it seems this word has been removed from the dictionary. People duck out of relationships or responsibility when they hit a rough patch. When things get hard, they lose interest and blot—jumping from relationship to relationship in search of something better.
Spoiler alert, they will never find what they desperately seek—the ability to be loyal starts from within.
You must know you are worthy of kindness, attention, and time from another to give those things without hesitation. Loyal people are standing by promises that are made, willing to weather any storm that may come due to unconditional love, understanding, and commitment.
Where are the people willing to put in the work and grow with another individual regardless of the ups and downs of life?
The people searching for a deep connection with another person?
I am starting to understand those who willingly take solace in the middle of the woods, throwing out the compass, and rejecting civilization as it currently exists. These are the happiest of individuals.
Honesty.
Living by one’s truth is never easy. Remembering to not willfully or willingly misinform or mislead people for your gain can be hard to stand by. Lying is like a spider web. All the many twists and turns may look beautiful to others, but as a fly, once you get stuck, there is no way out. Being honest can come at a cost. People will shun you for not following along with the facade and will try to blame you for anything that goes wrong. Stand firm in your truth.
Honesty doesn’t make you famous, but it will always lead you to the right side of any situation.
A few ways to guarantee this are by permitting yourself to be humble and happy with what the universe has already given you. Have confidence in what the universe will provide for you in the future, and trust something bigger than yourself. Always work hard for the things you want, and remember to be realistic that materialistic needs won’t necessarily bring you true happiness.
Good judgment.
Having good judgment starts with remembering what is right and wrong behavior. Are parents still teaching right from wrong anymore? The state of today’s youth proves that parents seem to have forgotten a step in the process. Why are parents so worried about being their children’s friends and not their parents? As parents, it is our job to guide and teach the younger generation how to adequately navigate the life experience ahead of them. Yet, some seem so wrapped up in making their children happy.
Children must always be given the ability to fail while they are young. They need to be allowed to think for themselves and form their own ideas and opinions. With the proper love and guidance, this is how they learn to survive in dark times. Suppose you didn’t grow up with rules that had to be followed, and there were no consequences when you messed up. Can you imagine how hard it would be when you are forced to live by rules that have life altering consequences?
This moral compass is an inner voice that helps us with our judgment. That uneasy feeling you get in your stomach, those sweaty palms, those ‘should I or shouldn’t I’ internal conflicts. Those are your brain’s way of alerting you to better judgment situations. People are not inherently evil; life events and maltreatment from others cause them to choose darkness.
Respect.
Treating others how we would like to be treated while asking for that exact treatment in return can be difficult. It starts with accepting others for who they are as a whole person. We are not all created to be the same, and yet we tend to surround ourselves with people who only think and feel the way we do.
“I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”
– Albert Einstein
As humans, there are things we all do that are similar. We all need nourishment, connection, and a sense of purpose. With these similarities there also come significant differences, many of which are beyond even our control. Try to remember that everyone has a heart beating in their chest. The same heart that beats while longing for approval, acceptance, and love.
Trust
Trust is an emotion, and this emotion is conquered when you look within yourself. Trusting oneself and overcoming life’s wealth of diversities has to happen before you can truly trust another person. Trust is built slowly, and for those who have been burned, it can take a long time for that foundation to be completed. If by chance you have been mistreated, give yourself grace in knowing that not all humans are created equal. You will find genuine people who will never intentionally hurt you. You can be open and there are others who will treat you with the utmost of care.
So what does all this mean…?
Living a life that positively
impacts those you encounter is not easy. There will be times when you are met with unsurmountable diversity and pain. Use your compass. Choosing to find the good in those moments and others is a skill that must be practiced. Use your compass. You must learn the art and act of forgiveness ( blog post coming soon). I’m not saying we all have to be perfect. That is entirely not possible. But, if we all consciously choose the correct behavior for each interaction, we will undoubtedly set a good example for those around us. Little eyes are always watching.
There will be bad days. Days when you don’t see the value in taking out your compass and allowing it to guide you. Days when walking away from civilization and into the wilderness sounds more appealing. Resist, at least for now.
“The truth shall make you free”
John 8:32
-lead with kindness, and everything else will fall into place.
Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.
Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.
Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.
There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.
Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.
A gaslighters favorite phrases
During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.
No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.
Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.
Things to say to a manipulator:
“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”
-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”
“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”
– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.
Consistently.
They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.
“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”
– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.
“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”
-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.
Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.
The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.
– Be safe
Frankly the question came to this: what was the matter with her? Was there, without her knowing it, some peculiar lack in her? Absurd. But she began to have a feeling of discouragement and hopelessness. Why couldn’t she be happy, content, somewhere Other people managed, somehow, to be. To put it plainly, didn’t she know how? Was she incapable of it?
Nella Larsen, Quicksand
Have you ever felt stuck? Living life every day, just going through the motions. Almost like you were living two different lives, yet not living at all?
History has shown us that in the blink of an eye, your whole world can be changed. What if the things that meant the most to you were traumatically taken away in an instant? Would your heart stop beating the right way?
When we are faced with hardship we are left to sift through the pain, disrespect, and complete disregard for anyone else feelings, and somehow process it all. It will be one heck of an educational experience, that’s for sure.
Has anyone else been given the ability to see people’s true colors, I mean, how they act when they don’t think you will find out? The truest versions of the ones you hold so dear. I am glad that we have the choice as to who we allow in our inner circle. We are not punished for walking away from those individuals who only cause us strife. It’s taken far too long to realize that just because people are blood, it doesn’t mean that they care about who you are.
Many of the people you associate with will not be there in your time of need, no matter how much you rearranged your life to be there for them during theirs. That has been a hard life lesson to learn.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
Mother Teresa
Change is never easy, it’s always a tad uncomfortable, but change is inevitable for us all. Learning how to accept changes that enter our lives with grace is something they should teach kids while they are in school. It’s one of the needed human behaviors that needs to be practiced, over and over again. Radical acceptance of the world around you. Learning how to know what is and isn’t within our control.
I don’t know about you, but my anxiety is worse when I don’t have a plan in place or when I don’t know where I stand with people. Did you know that overanalyzing yourself is a trauma response? Dang old trauma.
What do you do when the universe throws you a curve ball? How do you cope when change seems to be around every corner?
In the past, I typically would fall apart, get angry, and then resist. Now, I realize I am completely capable and take it in stride.
I most certainly don’t want change to happen. But, I have learned that there must be a lesson for me and I try to shift my mindset.
Unfortunately, the changes we experience in life are how we grow as humans.
I have found that a good way to handle changes is to find yourself a great coping strategy. They may be a quiet place to scream, write, and get in touch with nature. It might be out with friends or experiencing thrilling adventures to take your mind off it. No one and I mean NO ONE wants to Focus on themselves. It’s never easy and can lead you to some pretty eye-opening and maybe even uncomfortable understandings. Give yourself the opportunity and time to conquer long-fought battles with deeply hidden inner demons from your childhood. Stuffing our difficult emotions as a child will only lead to them exploding out when you least expect it as an adult.
Learning how to laugh again, is one of the hardest hills to climb I have recently decided. It’s not easy when you have looked at the world through dark lenses for so long. But the sense of peace that comes with being your true authentic self is a feeling I hope others can enjoy. I have enjoyed taking time to enjoy the beauty of the world around me.
Spend your time working on getting physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Cook/eat nourishing meals again. Make sure your body is allowing itself to be nourished. Another hard life lesson, Stress will most certainly kill you if you allow it. Find ways to relax, be able to take a deep breathe. Speaking of breathing, you might be doing it the wrong way.
Check out the book “Breath: The new Science of a Lost Art” by James Nestor.
Challenge yourself to feel the inner calm, it’s like unlocking the next level in this game we could call adulthood.
I was today years old when I actually gave myself the time and ability to practice Self-care, that crap is SUPER important. Also wasn’t something I was taught as a child. For those who are on your own healing journey, it’s ok if spending time with yourself is uncomfortable. Keep doing it, it does get better.
Looking back, My life had gotten to the point where I felt like I was on autopilot. The quicksand had sucked me in.
They say to get out of quicksand you have to wiggle slowly.
If you have been through tough times. if you have seen/ experienced traumatic things. Take the time to slow down, get back to the basics, and retrain your brain on how to feel safe again.
– you are living proof you can make it through your hard days💗
I feel most like myself when I can be comfortable around people. The silly, sassy, giddy self that makes all my anxiety and worries disappear. Trusting other people has never been easy for me, if I am being honest with myself I don’t know if I will ever fully trust another person again.
I never actually learned how to trust those who walk into my life. If past experiences are what I have to go on, there isn’t a single person that can fully be trusted. They all did what they had to do to get what they wanted and didn’t seem to bother with the pain they may have caused others—pure selfishness. When push came to shove, they always chose themselves.
I believe knowing how to trust is how we begin learning to love. No one taught me what love is or what it means, how to adequately love those or be loved by those in my life. That wasn’t something I learned until I had my own children. More on them later. Maybe.
Now before you think…
‘gosh, this girl is jaded. Life isn’t all bad. People aren’t all bad, and some can be incredible.’
Logically yes, I agree with you. But, when I take time to reflect on this life, more importantly, the life I have experienced over the last few years the actions of those I grew up with educated me differently. And when I say those I grew up with, I mean over the last forty years. I am just know feeling like an adult. Healing a broken inner childhas given me the ability to feel like a productive adult. Only a handful of people in my life were kind, honest, and genuine. The maority showed me that I was replaceable and, even more, that I was worthless to them.
I have recently begun to understand that growing up a child of abusive parents has long-lasting effects. Now before you scratch your head and wonder why it’s taken me so long to realize that, let me let you in on a secret.
As parents, we might not understand that what we are doing, our parenting style, and the way we were raised, could be hurting our children’s mental health.
Parenting is generally a cycle that you continue from how your parents raised you. Many of us grow up vowing to do parenting differently. To be better than what we had. You can break the mold. It’s not easy work, you have to dare to be different.
It’s a daily conscious decision to be a better parent than you might have had. Time to think outside the box. Each of your children needs a different version of you. If you think I am wrong, there are oodles of books that will back me up. Take a trip to the bookstore for some much-deserved quality quiet time.
They may need a different version of you at different stages in their development. Mind-blowing. I know. We have to grow up with our children. Even if you’ve been a parent many times over, each child is different and requires a different set of personal and emotional ideals to be come the best versions of themselves.
It’s our job as parents to listen, be available, and be willing to set aside our wants and ideals to help these little individuals grow to be the best version of who they are. Read that last statement again if you need it. We are NOT to make them into mini versions of ourselves. Don’t push your desires on your children, it will only push them away.
I’m not suggesting you allow your children to become savages; on the contrary.
Teach boundaries and respect for others as well as for themselves. Teach self-discipline and emotional regulation. Most of all, always express a willingness to have an open mind and understanding, this is achievable with honest acceptance and unconditional love.
Let me give you a little background on who I am.
I was born to a narcissist. Abandoned by my biological father as soon as he found out about me, or at least that is what my parents always told me. And then ‘saved’ by a narcissist who chose to marry my mother ‘because of me.’ – Whatever that means.
I was an only child who desperately wanted to feel love and acceptance for the messy, sassy, and free-thinking spirit I was. My parents conditioned me from a young age to strive for perfection in every aspect of life. I had to conform to their set of ideals to gain their love and affection. If I didn’t do the right thing, say the right thing, or think the right way, I was neglected and punished. Either physically abused or ignored.
They set me up for failure from the very start. Leaving me with the lasting realization that my best, who I was at my core, would never be good enough for anyone, EVER.
I grew into a detached young adult who spent my days trying to fill a void that never could be filled—relationship after relationship that always ended in confusion and pain.
Why? Because I didn’t love myself.
I was never adequately taught how.
I felt more like a shiny accessory than a person. When my light would become dull because of self-doubt, or I began to feel comfortable around others and act like my true self, the fear of rejection took over. The open-minded and unable-to-be-silenced version of myself very rarely showed. The person I was, was inevitably replaced with someone else, someone who would always do what was expected of her. Someone afraid to say no to others.
Listen,
those of you who grew up in abusive or neglectful environments know that one can only be controlled by others for so long.
Once you learn the behavior patterns and see that you are manipulated into living a certain way, you tend to become rebellious.
Thankfully my eyes were opened when I moved out on my own.
I will talk about therapy a lot in this blog. But only because I spent years running from it. Oddly enough, therapists have been the ones who have shown me kindness, empathy, and even love.
I’ve had to pay people to show me basic human rights. Things the family I was born into should have given freely and didn’t.
All of these actions are free, by the way. And it cost zero to be a kind person to others. There are so many Good and decent people in the world who show others every day simple dignity and respect.
It took me years, a whole lot of running from myself, but finally, I am allowing the facade to come down and being raw in therapy helped me find my true self. Please don’t get me wrong; therapy was complex. I went through my fair share of ‘guides,’ mainly because I wasn’t fully ready to commit to, and admit that, I needed the help. That I have recently learned, is a very toxic trait children of abuse carry on with them. The ingrained understanding is that you have to do everything on your own or you are in some way less than others or weak.
Absolutely NOT TRUE.
Self-reflection and self-acceptance have shown me that the person I am was molded from all the abuse, trauma, and pain, she is incredible.
She is gorgeous. Inside and out.
Much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. Such a fighter, not only because I’ve always had to be. But because I was born to be.
Now, to put down those gloves, stop fighting with myself, and love who I am and who I’ve become, that’s a chapter I soon hope to write.
I only felt love for the first time the moment I heard my children’s heartbeats—the overwhelming emotion when I saw that tiny little blip on the screen. I’d never known the true meaning of the word. My heart didn’t understand the emotions when they handed each to me for the first time. I was in awe.
My childhood experiences showed me that love didn’t exist because, at some point, the other party always hurts you or leaves. Thankfully I have been blessed that I have felt from my children the love and acceptance I didn’t get as a child. They have proven to me every day that love is an action, and it’s more abundant when shared with others.
Therapy helped me see that I have done that as their mother. I taught them how to love. Unconditionally.
I have tried to teach them how to be forgiving and kind. The universe knows they have forgiven me for more than I deserve. They know I am not perfect, and they still love me.
Watching me overcome my struggles they know we are all messy, and having faults is okay. They know Love doesn’t come with a price tag. It’s not the quantity of things you have; it’s the quality of time and the people you choose to spend it with that matter more.
If I can let my hair down, dance, and enjoy a good belly laugh around you, that’s when you know you have the best version of me. Recently I have decided that Success looks like laughs, wrinkles, gray hair, and sitting by the fire still holding hands. Watching the family I’ve built play in the backyard.
I pray that someday the universe sends me a love defying the laws of gravity. Something, and someone to grab ahold of, and it won’t ever let me go. Until then, I will continue to learn how to heal and most importantly love myself.
– Peace be with you, my friend. We are all on a journey. Try to enjoy every moment.
Life has a way of making the dark times seem never-ending. Finding the silver lining isn’t always easy. At times, I have been lucky because of who the universe has blessed me with. Looking back, not all of those blessings were joyful ones. Frankly, many have been lessons I needed to learn so that I could become a better version of myself. Something I could have only learned through the journey of life is that being blood doesn’t mean they will always be by your side. Or that those you pour all your energy into actually might not deserve any of that precious energy.
Relationships are a two-way street. ALWAYS.
I’ve been down a lot of one way avenues.
There will always be one person who puts in more effort. One who loves more. One who is willing to and understands how to communicate more effectively. An honest effort from another isn’t always guaranteed to be returned. Because in life, nothing is guaranteed. Every interaction with others teaches us a lesson and changes who we are or will become.
“Realize that everything connects to everything else.”
Leonardo da Vinci
I truly believe the universe will protect those who are here for a divine purpose. Why else would I still be here?
If you put out love and positivity to those around you, it will be returned in time. Karma sits and does her best work in the wings. She will get to those who have wronged you. Most likely, you will not be able to watch it happen, but what goes around always comes back around.
Have a little faith.
Waiting for that karmic energy to unleash its power on an unsuspecting, and deserving victim is like waiting for the birth of a child. Or, for those who don’t have kids yet, it’s like waiting for that vacation you’ve planned for months.
Oh, the anticipation.
Don’t get me wrong, wishing bad vibes on someone isn’t necessarily a “ Christian” thing to do. Stepping back while letting go and allowing the universe to enact punishment in good time isn’t easy. But when it does in fact happen, that my friend is the sweetest of revenge.
If, by chance, you have been gifted with the ability to see it happen. Worth every heartache you have had to endure.
I have been lucky to be on the receiving end of bountiful gifts from the universe. There have also been a few times when I felt the sting of the universe kicking me down and overwhelmed with defeat without real explanation. In those times, I was reminded of my blessings and how I should live with kindness and give grace to others.
More often than not, I have witnessed the universe taking care of people who have wronged me in some way. It’s not always grand gestures, and sometimes it’s in the subtle nuances of life. Regardless it is most definitely long-lasting vindication.
I always make sure to offer my unconditional thanks and be on my way.
Manifesting your desires can be a double-edged sword. Be very careful what you put out into the universe. Our unique Destiny’s have already been written, meaning there is always a greater purpose for the pain.
How many of you read this have control issues?
Admit it.
You know I am right. None of us has total control of anything to n this life. We may fool ourselves into thinking otherwise, but as the dear John Lennon says “ life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”
So for now, while you wait on an explanation of exactly what your life is going to become, remember: act with kindness, breathe, smile, and stand your ground. People who hurt you will without a doubt get what’s coming. All in good time. The universe has got your back.
-Life advice: repeat after me, “Oh, bless your heart.”
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Gautama Buddha
How many of us have been holding on to anger and hurt from past relationships for far too long? Allowing the resentment of the past to sit and rot within us. Feeling like we must have done something to deserve the disrespect for someone else’s words and actions is only punishing ourselves. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just don’t assume you are the only one at fault.
Be honest, who’s been there, done that?
Why do we think if we act ‘perfect enough,’ we will be accepted and loved? That we will be wanted by the person we desire. That our undivided attention will make the other person stay.
To all those good people who seem to be attracted to the bad ones, listen up.
One person can not change another. We all have a hard time admitting that we might need to change some undesirable trait about ourselves. Add to that having the desire to stick to it. Think about the last time you made a New Year’s Resolution. How long did it take for your brain to give up and return to your old ways?
Ever wondered what gives us the desire or audacity to think that our love can change someone into what we want or need them to be to make us feel whole?
Trauma.
That mixed with a lack of self-respect and having no clue about our self-worth. It’s the perfect storm.
We need to do better. We need to try harder, for ourselves. Knowing your worth and letting go of negative people is not being selfish. Frankly, it’s the first step in the self-care journey.
There are those in this world who will pray on you, on purpose. It WILL be hard to know or see the truth until it’s too late. These are the relationships you will learn the most from. Your personal growth will be stunted while you live in these types of relationships. You won’t be able to put your finger on it, but you will always second-guess their actions. When the universe finally forces you out, you will hit bottom and must claw yourself back to the top of your mountain of self-discovery.
It is going to crush you.
You may even feel worthless and broken. This is only temporary, I promise. Society has conditioned us all to think we need to be in a relationship, we need to be part of something, regardless of if that relationship is good for us.
RESIST.
Learn your worth and set boundaries that require you not to settle for any less than you deserve. Figure that out. Do some soul searching and learn how to respect yourself first, then use that to create relationships with others that build on that respect.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, people, and neither is the life you were meant to create.
If you don’t like your current situation, remember you are not a tree with roots, figure out what makes you truly happy and make the necessary changes. Don’t use the inability to navigate change as an excuse. Change your hair, and your style, and move if you need to. Change doesn’t have to be giant steps. Take it slow. Break it down into small manageable pieces. One day at a time. Commit to being a better you in all aspects of your life. Allow the hurt to happen because being at rock bottom is when we learn the most about ourselves. Currently, I am learning to let things go.
“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.
– Elsa ( gotta love Disney)
Ha! Disney music and it’s innate ability to remind adults what’s truly important.
My most significant source of fear, anxiety, and distress stems from not being or feeling loved for who I am at my core. When I was young, I was taught to sit still and look pretty. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to. Be seen and never heard. Just smile and nod, no one cares what you have to say. Because of this, I have for years hidden my true self away, only showing glimpses to those I thought could be trusted.
When we look inward and work on those things that we don’t like, even about ourselves, that’s when life begins. That is when we start to understand how our pasts have molded us into who we are meant to become.
Let go of the negative.
The negative outlook. The negative thoughts. The negative self talk. All of it.
Choose to look at the positive. Be grateful for the little moments in life. Make a point to make memories that will withstand even the darkest times. Smile more. Have hope. Give yourself some grace. Stop allowing others to tell you what makes you happy. Take the necessary time and figure that out on your own.
Trigger warning: the following statement may shock some of you…
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.
How does someone who’s been mistreatedlarn to feel good enough about what they contribute to this world?
Baby steps!
We are all worthy of a love that makes us weak in the knees. A love that shows through actions that you are a priority and they only want all of you. I have been told that relationships and love like this do in fact exist for each of us.
I have yet to see it in its proper form.
I’m beginning to understand that finding this type of connection begins when you learn to love yourself, and that work can be extremely isolating.
It generally doesn’t start until we have been hurt to our core and finally realize that we must walk away from everything we’ve ever known to preserve what’s left of our dignity. Starting over can be incredibly scary. Think of all the times you started something and the fear you felt in those moments. Now think about how those situations turn out. You can do anything you set your mind to. Being uncomfortable won’t last forever. You just needed to adjust, realize your strengths and weaknesses, and put in a little effort. Ok, well maybe you’ll need to put in a lot of effort. Regardless you have made it through all your hardest days to this point, so anything is possible. You, my friend, are living proof of that!
A question for the crowd.
Is being loyal and committed to the people in your life such a crazy idea?
These days, for sure! I don’t know about all of you, but I have given my all to those who have said they loved me and gotten nothing but absolute abuse in return. Psychologically beat up for things I didn’t do. Things I had no control over. I have since realized, that what I give is in fact good enough. And that I am far too nice to others who don’t deserve even a moment of my time. I’ve wasted a lot of breath on people who shouldn’t have been allowed in my orbit. Check the people in your life, ctrl + alt and delete the ones that don’t add positive vibes to your soul.
I see now that doing more for others and not getting the same in return is a trauma response. Overextending myself in hopes of feeling love and the need to be wanted by those I genuinely care about—fear of abandonment at its core.
Here’s where that letting go comes in.
You can only do so much.
Remember, when you board a plane and right before take-off, they tell you to place your oxygen mask on first and then help those around you. – Yes, moms, this applies to you as well. (Shocker, I know.) DON’T give away your oxygen to those who will suck the life right out of you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Be selfish with your time, energy, and love.
Make sure your mind, body, and soul are healthy. Allow yourself to be numero Uno from the start. NEVER sacrifice that mindset.
Let the negativity of people and situations in your life go. You could not and can not control them, so why feel bad about how things turned out?
If you let your heart lead with love and give your absolute best in each interaction, you have nothing to lose or worry about. People are messy and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have baggage. Just be extra cautious as to whose baggage you allow in your presents.
Everyone sees life through different lenses. Always remember that our pasts, however different, generally control how we react in any given situation. And with a little bit of inner work, and self-love we can change these reactions. This work isn’t always easy, it does require us to recognize our old patterns of behavior, accept them, and then make the conscious choice to act and think differently.
A solid change in behavior means committing to the follow-through.
Which I understand can be scary for many. Here is where giving yourself some grace comes in, we are all a work in progress.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
– Mother Teresa
Use that stone, or negative past event, to symbolize letting go of what is holding you down. Watch it skip across the water and away from you. Then sinking and never to be worried about again.
You are each worthy of time, undivided attention, and unconditional affection.
The right one will find you. Don’t rush it, when it’s meant to be it will be.
Until then, respect yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and please try to let the negativity go. Allow your inner voice to remind you of your infinite worth.
– Roar louder
Girl, you tried. You gave your all and then some. You tried to be perfect for everyone that you interacted with. ALWAYS.
You ALWAYS worried over every little thing.
You allowed that worry to eat at you and over the years it broke down your view of yourself.
You are and always have been an incredible woman. You may not have known how to adequately navigate the problems that you encountered in your life so far, but you NEVER let that stop you. You ALWAYS kept a smile on your face and kept going.
Nevertheless, you learned so many lessons. Make sure to continue to carry every one of them with you. You have always been enough. I hope one day you will see that. It would help if you truly felt that. All you need to see and focus on is how your gifts are wonderfully designed to bring love and light to all you meet.
Your foundation wasn’t what it should have been. You had parents who were too worried about looking perfect so that the dark of their lives never showed. They neglected you, abused you, and conditioned you to feel worthless. You were constantly trying to achieve perfection. That level of life was never attainable, by the way. You force yourself to be someone other than who you truly are to feel love and to be accepted.
Growing up was hard. Life handed you lemons consistently.
Yet somehow you made it through. And with a smile on your face even. Boss lady status!
The abuse you suffered at the hand of those who were supposed to love, protect and guide you is unforgivable. Those people never deserved your tender heart. You are living proof that putting one foot in front of the other, even on the worst days, can be achieved with a smile. Please keep smiling, for it’s one of your best features. You lost sight of the epic life force that’s within you. I know you will find it again. When that light gets dim, grab hold of your faith and don’t ever stop searching.
One of the most essential things the past has taught you is patience. This has been a hard life lesson to come to terms with, slow and steady and you will win the race.
I’m sorry for not believing in you. I’m sorry for being so hard on you all the time. You are completely capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. It took me far too long to realize that. You’ve fought hard daily to prove to others that you deserve their time, attention, and affection. STOP THAT! It would help your heart and stress level if you didn’t have to fight so hard for those things. To find people who will see your true character and love you beyond measure. They ARE out there and you deserve them. Your past heartbreaks are not in vain. They have taught you many valuable lessons and molded you into the strong, independent, powerful woman you are becoming. Looking back, I hope you see that you deserve to be given the world and treated like a queen. Remember not to look back for too long, the road ahead is beautiful because of the darkness that lies behind.
Don’t worry, you are still healing and working on finding that person who lights you up inside. You have done so much good work. Breaking generational cycles is challenging and emotionally draining. But you, dear, you have been a rockstar. You have put so much good into the universe, regardless of what this life has put in your path. I believe it will all return when the time is right for you.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.
-Robin Williams
Loving people and seeing their true potential is a gift. But remember, just because you have this superpower doesn’t mean those people will do the work required to live their full potential. You have always only wanted what was best for those closest to you. But they have to make those choices. Lead with love.
You are a life coach in every aspect.
You have unfortunately learned that not everyone in your circle is a good person with a good heart. You have met very few in your life so far who are genuine and deserving of your time. You have been underappreciated, undervalued, and downright used. Used for your gifts, your talents, your tender heart, and your unconditional ability to love. Yet, even after all that pain and suffering, you still have the ability and desire to love all those who walk into your life’s path. I hope in the future, you set better boundaries and stick to them.
Your ability to love even those who break your heart is a superpower.
Even though there are those you will never be able to forgive, your life will be extraordinary.
You have chosen a few who honestly don’t deserve you—having your heart continually broken by those you have given so much to can cause deep-seated anger.
Let that anger go.
It will eat at you.
All the past hurts, and repressed emotions started to show when your body manifested physical pain. It took years, but you finally took the time, accepted the help, and began uncovering the root of your PTSD. You took responsibility for others’ actions towards you. You are slowly healing and becoming healthy again.
You are finally starting to love yourself. To feel confident and comfortable in your skin. You have now built an incredible version of yourself that is unrecognizable to those who once knew you. You should be proud of all you have lived through and accomplished. You are proof that hard work, tears, and determination pay off.
– Keep it up gorgeous ❤
Ever wake up, and it’s already a bad day? I mean, you are irritated the moment you open your eyes, and there is no logical reason. Generally, for me, it’s because my blood sugar is too low. But, this day in particular, my brain was just upset that I had to adult, do all the things expected of me, and couldn’t stay in the comfort of my warm bed. Recently my teenager and I talked about how as a kid she hated naps and would throw fits about going to bed, and now as a teen, all she wants to do is nap. Ha! Funny how life comes full circle.
Recently I have found that if I don’t write things down before bed those troubles are still swirling around when I wake up. I have held on to feelings that needed to be felt, processed, and then RELEASED for years. But due to my stubborn streak, I have refused to allow that to happen. Taking the time to work through old hurts and pain is a difficult process. It is important to work, but no one tells you how exhausting it is. Retraining your brain to remain calm in times of struggle or when triggered by things in your past is a full-time job.
If you struggle with PTSD, you know, or maybe I am the first to tell you, but unfortunately, it will always be a part of your daily life. It doesn’t matter how much personal or medical work we do. The adverse events of our past changed the way our brains view the current world. Trauma actually changes the chemistry of the brain. Staying on top of the psychological work becomes a daily mindset of setting healthy boundaries with yourself and those you encounter. Learning how to be assertive with others about your needs. This is of course after first knowing what those are and then allowing yourself to be recognized as a person who deserves time, attention, and affection. Juggling all of this while balancing your body’s limit for the BS life throws at us on any given day. Who am I kidding? At any given moment, am I right?
You must find a release for all the pent-up emotions. Exercise, journaling, a hobby. For me, running has always been my happy place. My headphones are on high, pounding the pavement while the music bumps in my chest. That has been my go-to when it comes to needing stress or emotional relief. 1 mile turned into 13. Whole-body exhaustion and the high from all those endorphins make me feel invincible. Becoming one with the music, for me, takes my mind off the pain my legs feel. I had a coach that always told me its ‘Mind over matter’ to which I thought he was crazy, I wish I had to opportunity to thank him for that guidance at this point in my life.
One of the mot effective ways to retrain your brain is through EMDR therapy. Rapid eye movement while thinking of a traumatic memories and simultaneously moving your body. Running with music has become my version of EMDR therapy. After my first few sessions in the office I took the the trails. I heard the lyrics, felt them, and could cry it out. This modality has helped me to process emotions in a much healthy way. Anything is more helpful than holding it in. Don’t do that shit! It will eat you alive.
**EMDR should not be dabbled with unless you are under the care of a qualified professional. One needs to be taught and experience what happens in the early sessions under the care of a therapist to start the brain rewiring process. Once you gain control of your body and know how your brain will react, do what works best for you.
The following is from very early on in my healing journey. I wasn’t sure I would or should share these words with anyone, let alone put them here for all the world to see. Then a dear friend heard my story and I was reminded that so many are struggling and need to see what others’ rock bottom looks like. There is always hope. There is always a way to rebuild yourself. Learning to regain your inner confidence and move forward. On the outside, it’s sometimes hard to see what others are dealing with—the burdens they carry. Sharing our stories and experiences can change others’ lives. Don’t be afraid to share your story. If those who hurt you mark you as the villain for speaking your truth, they should have treated you better.
So, here are my thoughts from a morning run in the wet season known as spring in the Northeast.
Why me? Didn’t I give enough? Didn’t the people closest to me know I would have given anything to see them happy? I have exhausted myself to be perfect in every aspect of my life. Yet do I even know what happiness is? As a child, I was taught by my parents that giving 100% of your attention to others was how you gained love. Sacrificing myself was how I was physically ‘seen’ as a child.
How did I get here? How did my life become so undone, messy, and uncontrollable? How do I even function when I am doing everything for everyone at the expense of myself? I feel like Dorothy in the middle of the tornado. I need to plant my feet and forge a new path. But how do I even begin to do that? I am completely in foreign territory.
This new life was scary and not something I wanted to do. Why was I given this situation? What am I going to learn from it? I missed my old life. The one I dreamed about from childhood. The only escape I had as a child was thinking of how much better my life would be. How I would be better than them, how I would show my children I loved them unconditionally and that I would always be there for them. Looking back over the last 20 years, it wasn’t perfect, and that’s ok. The last 9 were perfect for me. Or so I thought. I had a partner who I thought loved me to my core. Who I had been open and raw with. Who had stayed and held me through the toughest of nights. Just as quickly as they forced themself into my life they removed themselves. This new life I was pushed into was unfamiliar and very uncomfortable.
I missed the unit we built. The closeness. My excitement at seeing those faces and the safety I felt in their little arms. Replaying past moments has been like riding a roller coaster at the amusement park. Very emotional.
Keep running, your legs are burning, the tears are running, don’t stop now.
There were many moments when I thought it wasn’t suitable for me, and yet I didn’t want to be away from them. Despite all the trials and turbulence, I forced myself only to see the good. I often sacrificed my own needs to keep them happy. Why couldn’t you break the cycle? Why couldn’t you just put yourself first? I am frequently thinking of the quiet alone time—the little things. The vacations are in the middle of nowhere. The laughter. The acceptance. The stolen kisses and the smiles. Those should have shown you what you deserved. Those moments should have been enough to show you your worth and your ability to create what you’d always dreamed about.
Why do I feel like it was a dream? I don’t know if I will ever honestly know what was real and what was an act.
Lying was so natural for them. Were we all lying to each other or just ourselves? It makes my heart ache.
Why now? After everything we had achieved and walked through together. I was finally settling in and becoming confident. Pleased and comfortable with our relationship, our life, my body.
Why them? Why expose our little souls to this horrific life experience? All of this could have been reconciled in a much more loving tone, like adults. Why allow trauma to happen when it could have been avoided or prevented with effective
communication?
Keep running girl, don’t give up now. Feel that burning in your body, you are alive, you have lives through all this pain. You can make it, just keep going.
My answers.
I can handle this. I am learning valuable skills. I’ve also learned undeniable truths about those in my life.
I am becoming a better person for these struggles. A healthy version of who I always wanted to be.
I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I was neglecting the most important thing in this life, ME. Had things continued for much longer, who knows what would have happened? The past was taken over, I allowed that trauma to invade the happiness I had strived for. These struggles are what make you stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Most importantly, you are not alone in many of these life experiences I’ve had the privilege to live through. It was time for me to use the strong voice I was blessed with to help others who were also struggling in silence.
Sweet girl, no more hiding from the outside world. Confidently stand in the light and let your brilliant light shine from within. You never know who is using your story and inner light as their only glimmer of hope.
Take the time to read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Make new connections. Take the time for yourself. Become the best and most authentic version of yourself that you’ve always wanted to be.
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
You will reach the top of the mountain as long as you don’t give up and take it one step at a time. Just keep thinking of the breathtaking sunset from that mountaintop.
– No matter what level of the rebuilding process you are in, you are not alone.
Girl, I am so darn proud of you. You have walked through the valley of darkness and the desert of disparities and still made it out with a smile on your face and love in your heart. You need to use the voice the lord has given you and tell your story. Keep evolving. Never settle for less than your best self. Keep seeking the truth, and keep living true to who you want to become. Keep loving those around you with that vast unconditional heart of yours. Always let love light the way. Remember, you are and always have been worth it. You are a joy and an inspiration to others. You are here for a divine purpose, even if you don’t always understand what that may be. Little miss, You Are Enough.
You have been incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with and raised incredible little unique humans that by the grace of god call you momma. They embody the best parts of you and this will help them remain grounded in their life trials. You have loved them in such a way that they know how to love with all their heart. It’s because you showed them they were the essential things in your world. Remember all the laughs. The hugs. Those moments when everything felt right in the world because you were all together and truly happy. Family time is the absolute best time. Those quiet times started you on your healing journey, and those moments proved to your heart that true love exists and that you were fully capable of creating it.
Don’t ever forget the hard times. The times when the world’s weight felt too heavy to bear, and all you wanted to do was disappear. Remember your love for running and how it felt to cross the finish line. Always ensure you are running towards your goals, never away from anything. You are so much stronger than you think. Keep reaching for the sky because even if you fail my dear, you will always land among the stars.
Make sure you are taking care of your body, and it will carry you through anything this life has to throw at you. Swing for the fence you can achieve anything you set your sights on.
Self love is not selfish.
You deserve better than mediocre.
I repeat NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS. You have to take the time to nourish your mind, body, and soul. This time will refresh you when the world gets too heavy. Run, stretch, and get some sun on your face. Put your toes in the grass or, better yet, the sand. Breathe deep in the fresh air, slow down, and notice the miraculous heart beating in your chest.
Keep searching until you find your magic. You are deserving of unwavering love and loyalty. A love that finds and completes the other half of your soul. Your very own fairy tale with a happily ever after. Allow the universe to guide people in and out of your life. Those who enter will stay for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. They will always have a lesson to teach you, so be ready. Don’t be scared to open up to others and allow your light to shine. You have exceptional gifts to offer this world; share them.
Keep going, no matter how hard it seems. If your past is any indication, you have the power to conquer anything that comes your way. Bad days will happen; use those as lessons to guide you to becoming the best version of who you have always meant to be.
– Live long, love hard, and prosper
Roar louder than your demons 