Gaslighting, I’m sure we have all heard of it. If you haven’t, I suggest you take a trip down the rabbit hole that is Google and open your eyes to the darkness of people in your life.

Many of us may have unknowingly fallen victim to someone who has used this form of abuse on them in their lives. Gaslighting is the worse form of emotional and psychological abuse there is mainly because victims of gaslighting don’t generally see it happening or know how to get out once they begin to realize the truth.

Research has shown that gaslighting is taught and conditioned from childhood. While lying and manipulating come naturally to some, others are born into it. Narcissists enjoy watching their victims squirm and psychologically break down. They achieve a thrill from watching another person crumble from the pressure of their words and actions. For those who don’t understand, t here is plenty of research that has reported it’s equivalent to the feeling you get when winning something.

There are others you will meet that use gaslighting to survive, and these people have been conditioned throughout their childhood. Unfortunately, due to the abuse they suffered, their brains developed slightly differently than what your medical textbooks would suggest. Narcissistic abuse changes your brain chemistry. It changes the functioning of your operating system. Children who grew up with adults that used gaslighting and manipulation are conditioned to how to get their way. They don’t see any problems with their behavior. Regardless of the reason, gaslighting is a sickness, and there is very little evidence that it can be cured.

Perpetrators have a burning desire to be seen as perfect and superior to others. They live behind a facade of perfection. They will create situations to make themselves look like the hero, while in the shadows, they are strangling their victims with words and actions. Never actually laying a hand on their victims. Never any physical signs; it’s all mind control and manipulation. The main reason why gaslighting is so hard to prove is because there aren’t any bruises. Victims live a life of smoke and mirrors, never knowing the truth and believing everything they do and say is wrong.

A gaslighters favorite phrases

• “That never happened.”
• “You’re crazy, and other people think so, too.”
• “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
• “Do you really think I’d make that up?”
• “You’re just trying to confuse me.”
• “You know I’d never intentionally hurt you.”
• “I did that because I love you.”
• “It’s all your fault.”

During a thesis class in college, the professor told us always to remember a fundamental mindset when dealing with others:

“Hurt people, hurt people.”

Now this statement over the years has rang true in many different situations I have either been involved in or witnessed. I have witnessed and been a victim of others outright lying about actions or events: things that may never have happened or manipulation of the events that transpired. I spent many moments watching and catching someone as they tried to use manipulation to change one’s reality. Scapegoating is also a form of blame-shifting and the worst type of coercion. As a victim of this psychological warfare, your skewed sense of reality and self leave you vulnerable and insecure. Victims become hypersensitive and hyper-vigilant to others’ words, actions, and behaviors.

No one wants to admit that they would have allowed this to happen to themselves. They believe it makes them look weak when they are the strongest people there are.

Unfortunately, some victims of gaslighting don’t make it out alive. This sometimes invisible interpersonal violence has negative long-lasting, and sometimes life-altering effects.

Things to say to a manipulator:

“I hear that you intended to make a joke, and I want to let you know that the impact of your words was hurtful.”

-Be very careful with this statement as you will most likely need to defend yourself further from, “You can’t ever just take a joke.”

“My feelings are my feelings, and they are valid. Let me explain how your words and actions make me feel.”

– Setting boundaries with a gaslighter can be tricky, and you must be firm.

Consistently.

They will try to tell you how you feel, and this is a form of shifting the blame back to you, as they will never see how their behavior could affect you.

“This is my experience, and these are my emotions.”

– Once you have made your stance, don’t ever back down. Realize that a manipulative person will continue to spin their words to get you to second-guess yourself.

“It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too.”

-Validation is critical. Remember, you are a person who deserves love, acceptance, and understanding. You are imperfect, and no one should ever expect you to be.

Be cautious and diligent in recognizing Narcissistic people in your life. Know you may never get a diagnosis for the person in your life that is genuinely mentally ill. They will never be willing to see their wrong, and they will always be one step ahead due to the thought process they live by. Speak your truth, and don’t ever back down.

The cycle of narcissistic abuse can be broken. With the support of others, reach out, speak out don’t place the blame on yourself. Have better self-awareness, learn the signs, and know what to do. Stand firm in your boundaries, and have an unwavering determination to push back if there is something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Lastly, it can be hard work, so take it one person at a time. You are capable, and you can get out alive.

– Be safe