Life has a way of making the dark times seem never-ending. Finding the silver lining isn’t always easy. At times, I have been lucky because of who the universe has blessed me with. Looking back, not all of those blessings were joyful ones. Frankly, many have been lessons I needed to learn so that I could become a better version of myself. Something I could have only learned through the journey of life is that being blood doesn’t mean they will always be by your side. Or that those you pour all your energy into actually might not deserve any of that precious energy.
Relationships are a two-way street. ALWAYS.
I’ve been down a lot of one way avenues.
There will always be one person who puts in more effort. One who loves more. One who is willing to and understands how to communicate more effectively. An honest effort from another isn’t always guaranteed to be returned. Because in life, nothing is guaranteed. Every interaction with others teaches us a lesson and changes who we are or will become.
“Realize that everything connects to everything else.”
Leonardo da Vinci
I truly believe the universe will protect those who are here for a divine purpose. Why else would I still be here?
If you put out love and positivity to those around you, it will be returned in time. Karma sits and does her best work in the wings. She will get to those who have wronged you. Most likely, you will not be able to watch it happen, but what goes around always comes back around.
Have a little faith.
Waiting for that karmic energy to unleash its power on an unsuspecting, and deserving victim is like waiting for the birth of a child. Or, for those who don’t have kids yet, it’s like waiting for that vacation you’ve planned for months.
Oh, the anticipation.
Don’t get me wrong, wishing bad vibes on someone isn’t necessarily a “ Christian” thing to do. Stepping back while letting go and allowing the universe to enact punishment in good time isn’t easy. But when it does in fact happen, that my friend is the sweetest of revenge.
If, by chance, you have been gifted with the ability to see it happen. Worth every heartache you have had to endure.
I have been lucky to be on the receiving end of bountiful gifts from the universe. There have also been a few times when I felt the sting of the universe kicking me down and overwhelmed with defeat without real explanation. In those times, I was reminded of my blessings and how I should live with kindness and give grace to others.
More often than not, I have witnessed the universe taking care of people who have wronged me in some way. It’s not always grand gestures, and sometimes it’s in the subtle nuances of life. Regardless it is most definitely long-lasting vindication.
I always make sure to offer my unconditional thanks and be on my way.
Manifesting your desires can be a double-edged sword. Be very careful what you put out into the universe. Our unique Destiny’s have already been written, meaning there is always a greater purpose for the pain.
How many of you read this have control issues?
Admit it.
You know I am right. None of us has total control of anything to n this life. We may fool ourselves into thinking otherwise, but as the dear John Lennon says “ life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”
So for now, while you wait on an explanation of exactly what your life is going to become, remember: act with kindness, breathe, smile, and stand your ground. People who hurt you will without a doubt get what’s coming. All in good time. The universe has got your back.
-Life advice: repeat after me, “Oh, bless your heart.”
Being a mom is my most loved adventure. Helping my little ones navigate developmental milestones in this sometimes unforgiving world gave me an exhilarating sense of purpose.
For them, I have always tried to make each birthday memorable. I was always going over the top, stressing about making the day perfect. If I am being honest with myself, I dislike birthdays.
This stems from childhood.
As a child, my birthdays were more about my mother than myself. She was the center of attention. The gifts were always something she wanted for me and not what I wanted. Ever. As I grew, I started to shy away from celebrating.
I would rather forget a day that most plan on all year.
The first birthday that meant anything to me was my twenty-first.
That day I was blessed to have created my first golden memory. My best friend made me feel like a princess. She made me feel loved. The smell of tequila still brings me back to laughing so hard we had tears streaming down our faces. The type of laughter where your sides hurt for days afterward. A night full of acting a fool and giving no thought to who was watching. That night I started a new year of firsts, starting with all the confidence I had been missing.
Fast forward in life, and I have always tried to make each of my kids’ birthdays something to remember. I have spent endless hours listening to them and planning the best day with them at the center, and each day started with sprinkled pancakes and lots of laughs. Occasionally we would have large parties with all our family and friends. But those quickly turned into our goofy little group spending much-desired quality time together. I wanted my kids to have all I didn’t, a day that made them feel extra special.
The only thing I had ever really wanted.
This year, on my birthday, I decided to say YES.
40 is:
A new healthier outlook on life.
A calmer mindset.
A Healed soul.
A year of new beginnings.
This next year for me, will be a “Yes” year.
More yes without fear. Knowing it’s ok to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected by those you choose to share your time with.
Knowing my worth and not settling for anything less.
Bring on the laughing so hard my cheeks and sides hurt.
More amazing memories with my little goof troop.
New photos.
New experiences.
My only birthday wish for the universe this year is to find a soul’s connection that will transcend time and space. I know my soul mate is out there somewhere. He’s probably lost and just too stubborn to ask for directions.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Gautama Buddha
How many of us have been holding on to anger and hurt from past relationships for far too long? Allowing the resentment of the past to sit and rot within us. Feeling like we must have done something to deserve the disrespect for someone else’s words and actions is only punishing ourselves. No one is perfect. Mistakes will be made. Just don’t assume you are the only one at fault.
Be honest, who’s been there, done that?
Why do we think if we act ‘perfect enough,’ we will be accepted and loved? That we will be wanted by the person we desire. That our undivided attention will make the other person stay.
To all those good people who seem to be attracted to the bad ones, listen up.
One person can not change another. We all have a hard time admitting that we might need to change some undesirable trait about ourselves. Add to that having the desire to stick to it. Think about the last time you made a New Year’s Resolution. How long did it take for your brain to give up and return to your old ways?
Ever wondered what gives us the desire or audacity to think that our love can change someone into what we want or need them to be to make us feel whole?
Trauma.
That mixed with a lack of self-respect and having no clue about our self-worth. It’s the perfect storm.
We need to do better. We need to try harder, for ourselves. Knowing your worth and letting go of negative people is not being selfish. Frankly, it’s the first step in the self-care journey.
There are those in this world who will pray on you, on purpose. It WILL be hard to know or see the truth until it’s too late. These are the relationships you will learn the most from. Your personal growth will be stunted while you live in these types of relationships. You won’t be able to put your finger on it, but you will always second-guess their actions. When the universe finally forces you out, you will hit bottom and must claw yourself back to the top of your mountain of self-discovery.
It is going to crush you.
You may even feel worthless and broken. This is only temporary, I promise. Society has conditioned us all to think we need to be in a relationship, we need to be part of something, regardless of if that relationship is good for us.
RESIST.
Learn your worth and set boundaries that require you not to settle for any less than you deserve. Figure that out. Do some soul searching and learn how to respect yourself first, then use that to create relationships with others that build on that respect.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, people, and neither is the life you were meant to create.
If you don’t like your current situation, remember you are not a tree with roots, figure out what makes you truly happy and make the necessary changes. Don’t use the inability to navigate change as an excuse. Change your hair, and your style, and move if you need to. Change doesn’t have to be giant steps. Take it slow. Break it down into small manageable pieces. One day at a time. Commit to being a better you in all aspects of your life. Allow the hurt to happen because being at rock bottom is when we learn the most about ourselves. Currently, I am learning to let things go.
“It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.
– Elsa ( gotta love Disney)
Ha! Disney music and it’s innate ability to remind adults what’s truly important.
My most significant source of fear, anxiety, and distress stems from not being or feeling loved for who I am at my core. When I was young, I was taught to sit still and look pretty. Don’t speak unless you are spoken to. Be seen and never heard. Just smile and nod, no one cares what you have to say. Because of this, I have for years hidden my true self away, only showing glimpses to those I thought could be trusted.
When we look inward and work on those things that we don’t like, even about ourselves, that’s when life begins. That is when we start to understand how our pasts have molded us into who we are meant to become.
Let go of the negative.
The negative outlook. The negative thoughts. The negative self talk. All of it.
Choose to look at the positive. Be grateful for the little moments in life. Make a point to make memories that will withstand even the darkest times. Smile more. Have hope. Give yourself some grace. Stop allowing others to tell you what makes you happy. Take the necessary time and figure that out on your own.
Trigger warning: the following statement may shock some of you…
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES.
How does someone who’s been mistreatedlarn to feel good enough about what they contribute to this world?
Baby steps!
We are all worthy of a love that makes us weak in the knees. A love that shows through actions that you are a priority and they only want all of you. I have been told that relationships and love like this do in fact exist for each of us.
I have yet to see it in its proper form.
I’m beginning to understand that finding this type of connection begins when you learn to love yourself, and that work can be extremely isolating.
It generally doesn’t start until we have been hurt to our core and finally realize that we must walk away from everything we’ve ever known to preserve what’s left of our dignity. Starting over can be incredibly scary. Think of all the times you started something and the fear you felt in those moments. Now think about how those situations turn out. You can do anything you set your mind to. Being uncomfortable won’t last forever. You just needed to adjust, realize your strengths and weaknesses, and put in a little effort. Ok, well maybe you’ll need to put in a lot of effort. Regardless you have made it through all your hardest days to this point, so anything is possible. You, my friend, are living proof of that!
A question for the crowd.
Is being loyal and committed to the people in your life such a crazy idea?
These days, for sure! I don’t know about all of you, but I have given my all to those who have said they loved me and gotten nothing but absolute abuse in return. Psychologically beat up for things I didn’t do. Things I had no control over. I have since realized, that what I give is in fact good enough. And that I am far too nice to others who don’t deserve even a moment of my time. I’ve wasted a lot of breath on people who shouldn’t have been allowed in my orbit. Check the people in your life, ctrl + alt and delete the ones that don’t add positive vibes to your soul.
I see now that doing more for others and not getting the same in return is a trauma response. Overextending myself in hopes of feeling love and the need to be wanted by those I genuinely care about—fear of abandonment at its core.
Here’s where that letting go comes in.
You can only do so much.
Remember, when you board a plane and right before take-off, they tell you to place your oxygen mask on first and then help those around you. – Yes, moms, this applies to you as well. (Shocker, I know.) DON’T give away your oxygen to those who will suck the life right out of you. Take care of yourself FIRST. Be selfish with your time, energy, and love.
Make sure your mind, body, and soul are healthy. Allow yourself to be numero Uno from the start. NEVER sacrifice that mindset.
Let the negativity of people and situations in your life go. You could not and can not control them, so why feel bad about how things turned out?
If you let your heart lead with love and give your absolute best in each interaction, you have nothing to lose or worry about. People are messy and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have baggage. Just be extra cautious as to whose baggage you allow in your presents.
Everyone sees life through different lenses. Always remember that our pasts, however different, generally control how we react in any given situation. And with a little bit of inner work, and self-love we can change these reactions. This work isn’t always easy, it does require us to recognize our old patterns of behavior, accept them, and then make the conscious choice to act and think differently.
A solid change in behavior means committing to the follow-through.
Which I understand can be scary for many. Here is where giving yourself some grace comes in, we are all a work in progress.
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
– Mother Teresa
Use that stone, or negative past event, to symbolize letting go of what is holding you down. Watch it skip across the water and away from you. Then sinking and never to be worried about again.
You are each worthy of time, undivided attention, and unconditional affection.
The right one will find you. Don’t rush it, when it’s meant to be it will be.
Until then, respect yourself. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, and please try to let the negativity go. Allow your inner voice to remind you of your infinite worth.
Girl, you tried. You gave your all and then some. You tried to be perfect for everyone that you interacted with. ALWAYS.
You ALWAYS worried over every little thing.
You allowed that worry to eat at you and over the years it broke down your view of yourself.
You are and always have been an incredible woman. You may not have known how to adequately navigate the problems that you encountered in your life so far, but you NEVER let that stop you. You ALWAYS kept a smile on your face and kept going.
Nevertheless, you learned so many lessons. Make sure to continue to carry every one of them with you. You have always been enough. I hope one day you will see that. It would help if you truly felt that. All you need to see and focus on is how your gifts are wonderfully designed to bring love and light to all you meet.
Your foundation wasn’t what it should have been. You had parents who were too worried about looking perfect so that the dark of their lives never showed. They neglected you, abused you, and conditioned you to feel worthless. You were constantly trying to achieve perfection. That level of life was never attainable, by the way. You force yourself to be someone other than who you truly are to feel love and to be accepted.
Growing up was hard. Life handed you lemons consistently.
Yet somehow you made it through. And with a smile on your face even. Boss lady status!
The abuse you suffered at the hand of those who were supposed to love, protect and guide you is unforgivable. Those people never deserved your tender heart. You are living proof that putting one foot in front of the other, even on the worst days, can be achieved with a smile. Please keep smiling, for it’s one of your best features. You lost sight of the epic life force that’s within you. I know you will find it again. When that light gets dim, grab hold of your faith and don’t ever stop searching.
One of the most essential things the past has taught you is patience. This has been a hard life lesson to come to terms with, slow and steady and you will win the race.
I’m sorry for not believing in you. I’m sorry for being so hard on you all the time. You are completely capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. It took me far too long to realize that. You’ve fought hard daily to prove to others that you deserve their time, attention, and affection. STOP THAT! It would help your heart and stress level if you didn’t have to fight so hard for those things. To find people who will see your true character and love you beyond measure. They ARE out there and you deserve them. Your past heartbreaks are not in vain. They have taught you many valuable lessons and molded you into the strong, independent, powerful woman you are becoming. Looking back, I hope you see that you deserve to be given the world and treated like a queen. Remember not to look back for too long, the road ahead is beautiful because of the darkness that lies behind.
Don’t worry, you are still healing and working on finding that person who lights you up inside. You have done so much good work. Breaking generational cycles is challenging and emotionally draining. But you, dear, you have been a rockstar. You have put so much good into the universe, regardless of what this life has put in your path. I believe it will all return when the time is right for you.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that.
-Robin Williams
Loving people and seeing their true potential is a gift. But remember, just because you have this superpower doesn’t mean those people will do the work required to live their full potential. You have always only wanted what was best for those closest to you. But they have to make those choices. Lead with love.
You are a life coach in every aspect.
You have unfortunately learned that not everyone in your circle is a good person with a good heart. You have met very few in your life so far who are genuine and deserving of your time. You have been underappreciated, undervalued, and downright used. Used for your gifts, your talents, your tender heart, and your unconditional ability to love. Yet, even after all that pain and suffering, you still have the ability and desire to love all those who walk into your life’s path. I hope in the future, you set better boundaries and stick to them.
Your ability to love even those who break your heart is a superpower.
Even though there are those you will never be able to forgive, your life will be extraordinary.
You have chosen a few who honestly don’t deserve you—having your heart continually broken by those you have given so much to can cause deep-seated anger.
Let that anger go.
It will eat at you.
All the past hurts, and repressed emotions started to show when your body manifested physical pain. It took years, but you finally took the time, accepted the help, and began uncovering the root of your PTSD. You took responsibility for others’ actions towards you. You are slowly healing and becoming healthy again.
You are finally starting to love yourself. To feel confident and comfortable in your skin. You have now built an incredible version of yourself that is unrecognizable to those who once knew you. You should be proud of all you have lived through and accomplished. You are proof that hard work, tears, and determination pay off.
Ever wake up, and it’s already a bad day? I mean, you are irritated the moment you open your eyes, and there is no logical reason. Generally, for me, it’s because my blood sugar is too low. But, this day in particular, my brain was just upset that I had to adult, do all the things expected of me, and couldn’t stay in the comfort of my warm bed. Recently my teenager and I talked about how as a kid she hated naps and would throw fits about going to bed, and now as a teen, all she wants to do is nap. Ha! Funny how life comes full circle.
Recently I have found that if I don’t write things down before bed those troubles are still swirling around when I wake up. I have held on to feelings that needed to be felt, processed, and then RELEASED for years. But due to my stubborn streak, I have refused to allow that to happen. Taking the time to work through old hurts and pain is a difficult process. It is important to work, but no one tells you how exhausting it is. Retraining your brain to remain calm in times of struggle or when triggered by things in your past is a full-time job.
If you struggle with PTSD, you know, or maybe I am the first to tell you, but unfortunately, it will always be a part of your daily life. It doesn’t matter how much personal or medical work we do. The adverse events of our past changed the way our brains view the current world. Trauma actually changes the chemistry of the brain. Staying on top of the psychological work becomes a daily mindset of setting healthy boundaries with yourself and those you encounter. Learning how to be assertive with others about your needs. This is of course after first knowing what those are and then allowing yourself to be recognized as a person who deserves time, attention, and affection. Juggling all of this while balancing your body’s limit for the BS life throws at us on any given day. Who am I kidding? At any given moment, am I right?
You must find a release for all the pent-up emotions. Exercise, journaling, a hobby. For me, running has always been my happy place. My headphones are on high, pounding the pavement while the music bumps in my chest. That has been my go-to when it comes to needing stress or emotional relief. 1 mile turned into 13. Whole-body exhaustion and the high from all those endorphins make me feel invincible. Becoming one with the music, for me, takes my mind off the pain my legs feel. I had a coach that always told me its ‘Mind over matter’ to which I thought he was crazy, I wish I had to opportunity to thank him for that guidance at this point in my life.
One of the mot effective ways to retrain your brain is through EMDR therapy. Rapid eye movement while thinking of a traumatic memories and simultaneously moving your body. Running with music has become my version of EMDR therapy. After my first few sessions in the office I took the the trails. I heard the lyrics, felt them, and could cry it out. This modality has helped me to process emotions in a much healthy way. Anything is more helpful than holding it in. Don’t do that shit! It will eat you alive.
**EMDR should not be dabbled with unless you are under the care of a qualified professional. One needs to be taught and experience what happens in the early sessions under the care of a therapist to start the brain rewiring process. Once you gain control of your body and know how your brain will react, do what works best for you.
The following is from very early on in my healing journey. I wasn’t sure I would or should share these words with anyone, let alone put them here for all the world to see. Then a dear friend heard my story and I was reminded that so many are struggling and need to see what others’ rock bottom looks like. There is always hope. There is always a way to rebuild yourself. Learning to regain your inner confidence and move forward. On the outside, it’s sometimes hard to see what others are dealing with—the burdens they carry. Sharing our stories and experiences can change others’ lives. Don’t be afraid to share your story. If those who hurt you mark you as the villain for speaking your truth, they should have treated you better.
So, here are my thoughts from a morning run in the wet season known as spring in the Northeast.
Why me? Didn’t I give enough? Didn’t the people closest to me know I would have given anything to see them happy? I have exhausted myself to be perfect in every aspect of my life. Yet do I even know what happiness is? As a child, I was taught by my parents that giving 100% of your attention to others was how you gained love. Sacrificing myself was how I was physically ‘seen’ as a child.
How did I get here? How did my life become so undone, messy, and uncontrollable? How do I even function when I am doing everything for everyone at the expense of myself? I feel like Dorothy in the middle of the tornado. I need to plant my feet and forge a new path. But how do I even begin to do that? I am completely in foreign territory.
This new life was scary and not something I wanted to do. Why was I given this situation? What am I going to learn from it? I missed my old life. The one I dreamed about from childhood. The only escape I had as a child was thinking of how much better my life would be. How I would be better than them, how I would show my children I loved them unconditionally and that I would always be there for them. Looking back over the last 20 years, it wasn’t perfect, and that’s ok. The last 9 were perfect for me. Or so I thought. I had a partner who I thought loved me to my core. Who I had been open and raw with. Who had stayed and held me through the toughest of nights. Just as quickly as they forced themself into my life they removed themselves. This new life I was pushed into was unfamiliar and very uncomfortable.
I missed the unit we built. The closeness. My excitement at seeing those faces and the safety I felt in their little arms. Replaying past moments has been like riding a roller coaster at the amusement park. Very emotional.
Keep running, your legs are burning, the tears are running, don’t stop now.
There were many moments when I thought it wasn’t suitable for me, and yet I didn’t want to be away from them. Despite all the trials and turbulence, I forced myself only to see the good. I often sacrificed my own needs to keep them happy. Why couldn’t you break the cycle? Why couldn’t you just put yourself first? I am frequently thinking of the quiet alone time—the little things. The vacations are in the middle of nowhere. The laughter. The acceptance. The stolen kisses and the smiles. Those should have shown you what you deserved. Those moments should have been enough to show you your worth and your ability to create what you’d always dreamed about.
Why do I feel like it was a dream? I don’t know if I will ever honestly know what was real and what was an act.
Lying was so natural for them. Were we all lying to each other or just ourselves? It makes my heart ache.
Why now? After everything we had achieved and walked through together. I was finally settling in and becoming confident. Pleased and comfortable with our relationship, our life, my body.
Why them? Why expose our little souls to this horrific life experience? All of this could have been reconciled in a much more loving tone, like adults. Why allow trauma to happen when it could have been avoided or prevented with effective
communication?
Keep running girl, don’t give up now. Feel that burning in your body, you are alive, you have lives through all this pain. You can make it, just keep going.
My answers.
I can handle this. I am learning valuable skills. I’ve also learned undeniable truths about those in my life.
I am becoming a better person for these struggles. A healthy version of who I always wanted to be.
I wasn’t doing anything for myself. I was neglecting the most important thing in this life, ME. Had things continued for much longer, who knows what would have happened? The past was taken over, I allowed that trauma to invade the happiness I had strived for. These struggles are what make you stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Most importantly, you are not alone in many of these life experiences I’ve had the privilege to live through. It was time for me to use the strong voice I was blessed with to help others who were also struggling in silence.
Sweet girl, no more hiding from the outside world. Confidently stand in the light and let your brilliant light shine from within. You never know who is using your story and inner light as their only glimmer of hope.
Take the time to read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Make new connections. Take the time for yourself. Become the best and most authentic version of yourself that you’ve always wanted to be.
Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.
You will reach the top of the mountain as long as you don’t give up and take it one step at a time. Just keep thinking of the breathtaking sunset from that mountaintop.
– No matter what level of the rebuilding process you are in, you are not alone.
She’s as real as it gets and there ain’t no way around it. There’s a road that’s been through hell and she’s been down it. She’s been mistreated, she’s been lied to, she’s seen her share of trouble. But that girl, she’s the beauty in this trouble.
Beauty in the Struggle – Bryan Martin
While I Look back over my life, there have been many beautiful moments and those that have burned and left scars. To those who get the privilege to hear my stories, they are amazed at my strength, courage, and determination through enormous struggles. Amid those struggles, I wanted to give up, give in, and frankly, disappear. Even though I would walk around and pretend everything was fine. The breakdown was always just under the surface. Being conditioned as a child to sit still and look pretty doesn’t do well for an adult who doesn’t know how to deal with emotional upheaval.
While walking through the trials and tribulations of this life, it is easy to become overwhelmed, feel abandoned, or defeated. Life’s perspective allows you to see how strong you are after you have walked through those dark times.
Uncovering your true strength is found only when you have hit rock bottom. Finding the light at the end of the tunnel is a life skill that must be practiced, and practiced often to not get sucked into a negative thought pattern. Healing inner wounds and hurts carried around since childhood is both very challenging and yet very rewarding especially when done alone.
I wouldn’t recommend doing it alone, but if you must, I am living proof you can and will survive.
As a child, I was always told, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” As much as I hate to admit it, those words still ring true after all these years. Our demons seem to show themselves when the day is done, and we have nothing else to keep our minds occupied. The darkness of the night is sometimes the hardest for those struggling with painful past experiences. Being alone with your thoughts can make you believe the worst about yourself.
All we need to do is find a glimmer of hope to keep us going. Unfortunately, finding that glimmer in those moments of darkness can test your inner strength in ways you never knew existed. It doesn’t matter where you are on your self-healing journey, the practice of finding the good is always difficult. The complexity of finding hope is a battle we must never give up on.
Ever.
No matter what.
You are worthy of love. Remember that.
Perspective: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance
– Merriam-Webster
I find it amusing that everyone’s view of the world boils down to a difference in perspective. No two people see the same situation, even if standing side by side in the midst of it. Many factors cause our view of the world to be different. Our upbringing, other life experiences, our personality, and most importantly, our ability to love and forgive—both ourselves and those around us.
As a child, in Sunday school I remember learning that if we wake every morning with a grateful heart, the world tends to look much brighter.
Being grateful in painful moments isn’t always easy.
When the world is dark and not going the way you would like it to go, it’s much easier to keep that dark cloud over your head. ‘Let go and let God’ is a phrase my close friends say. Ha.
Well, I say, if only God could tell me his plan for this little control freak.
I for one would be a much happier and less anxious person.
I wish I could be more like Elsa and just ‘let it go.’
Therapy taught me we don’t get what we want out of life. We get what we need, regardless of how those situations make us feel.
YEAH, let that sink in.
We are here to learn, grow, and leave a legacy. By choosing to live a life full of grace and lead with love in our hearts, even if it’s in the middle of a proverbial fire, we can and will accomplish hard things.
It takes considerable work. Everyday.
Sometimes minute by minute. It’s a conscious choice. Surprisingly no one is perfect. We all lose our way, and that is when life teaches us the most valuable of lessons.
Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.
Beautiful Boy – John Lennon
Knowing what you want from life and understanding that life most likely won’t allow that to happen is VERY Humbling. Knowing what matters to your heart and how you want others to remember you is something we must take the time to comprehend. These are the golden reasons to keep going in the dark time. Remember, your heart is still beating in your chest. You are still breathing, and this, too, shall pass. You are a shining example of strength for those around you.
This world is full of beautifully dark moments. Feeling like you are damaged isn’t a reason to give up because being broken can also be beautiful.
The American Psychiatric Association says: that 3.5% of the adults in the U.S. population are diagnosed with PTSD every year. That number seems relatively minor to me. Research shows that 1 out of 11 people has been diagnosed in their lifetime. Now that might seem like a little more accurate depiction, and yet, I still believe it’s not a true number of the people who are suffering.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 21, and CPTSD at 39. Unfortunately, due to my lack of knowledge about my diagnosis at 21 and my fear of gaining proper understanding and treatment, my diagnosis has changed and is now considered complex. I will be honest, I didn’t listen to medical professionals. I didn’t seek swift or timely treatment. I didn’t want to admit it was a problem. It wasn’t until I was in the thick of being a mom that my body malfunctioned and ultimately shut down from the years of stored terror and pain. Even then I resisted until there was no other choice but to give in and I finally began to listen.
Not committing to help sooner is my number one regret in life. Once I made the wholehearted choice to become healthy it was then I started to see how sick my body had become. Now that I can look back and see that because of my commitment and perseverance, I am healthier than I have been in a year.
Medical issues I have struggled with are naturally fixing themselves. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, there are a few irreversible repercussions, and I am taking them in stride.
The universe has given me a second chance. It has allowed me to share my journey and experiences so others might feel less alone.
PTSD takes over every aspect of your life. No matter how much one may resist, the demon won’t stop until you are a slave to your thoughts and feelings. I call PTSD a demon because it is very easy to get sucked into the darkness. Stuck in the negative thought patterns. Having the courage to ask for help is the very first and extremely crucial step in gaining back some semblance of control over your life.
To those who have never struggled, asking for help seems simple, and yet the stigma associated with any mental health challenge keeps people suffering in silence for far too long.
Over the years, I have had to face and ultimately change things I have run from most of my life. Constantly running from fear. Not willing to stop, take the time to understand how and why my body was actively working against me. Then, when all the things were removed from my life that were holding me back from truly taking the time to heal those inner wounds, I was angry, terrified, and broken.
You see, I spent most of my adult days giving everything of myself to those around me to make myself feel whole. To feel like I had a purpose. My children each needed a different part of me. That, coupled with juggling other people’s needs while trying to be the perfect parent, wife, or friend, is like walking a tightrope stretched over a pit of lava. Add into that relationships that were riddled with control and psychological abuse. It became too much for my body to handle. Even though I felt whole while making them all happy, I was not taking care of myself, and it caught up to me. Our bodies really can only take so much.
When the body shuts down, it’s an internal process that for some is hard to reverse. Bodyily systems start to malfunction and the damage can all to often be irreversible.
The stress of trying to heal me from years of multiple forms of abuse, abandonment issues, and lack of trust made me feel empty and worthless. Fear of not being good enough, coupled with anger from not being seen or having my wants and needs validated, was always just below the surface. Every interaction was a struggle to look like I had it all together when trying not to break down and cry.
The book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ is an incredible read.
It truly saved my life.
The author walks his reader through the diagnostics of the illness. The reasons for dysregulation, and, ultimately, the path to freedom.
For the first time in my adult life, my inner thoughts, unexplained feelings, and fears were finally validated.
I HIGHLY recommend getting the book, the workbook, or listening to the Audiobook version. Then, read it again.
No matter what your past has been. No matter what life experiences you’ve endured. You are worth something to someone. You are enough just the way you are. You can take control and make your life as incredible as you want.
It doesn’t come without challenges.
You will want to quit many times on your journey. Put in the work. It will be painfully hard but worth every single second. I promise that freedom, on the other side, is exhilarating.
I have always wanted to heal the broken parts of my childhood. I wanted to give my children better than I had, I wanted to be perfect for my children.
I refused to put that desperate want before their needs. What I didn’t know then was that it wasn’t a want, it was a NEED.
I knew the first step was to start cutting the negativity out of our lives so that the peace could have a place to grow. Yes, that meant cutting out and walking away from the negative people.
Honestly, that has been the most challenging part.
I am a people pleaser, have been my entire life and I am living proof that cutting people out most certainly can be done.
Listen, cupcake, if you lived through the COVID lockdowns, yes, it certainly can.
I promise.
Toxic people will continue to say you are the problem. Just let that go. The truth is they are too scared to admit their faults. It’s easier to place blame on others than to fix our weaknesses.
Weaknesses stem from unmet childhood needs.
Our weaknesses can be overcome by acknowledging that we are lovable despite our shortcomings. For years I allowed the toxic people in my life to treat me poorly, and I kept my mouth shut.
Why argue with others when you are consistently told you are the problem?
I shrank myself.
I allowed them to dictate how I would react to any given situation. I know now that submissive behavior negatively affects the way we see ourselves.
It is poison to your body.
After years of allowing yourself to be controlled by those who say they love you, one begins to believe that others’ negative words and behavior must be all your fault.
We all went to health class. We know our bodies need nutrition to survive. Unfortunately, chronic stress damages each bodily system and its functioning ability. The body can not take in what it needs when stuck in survival mode. Thankfully my body reacted before I reached a breaking point. Funny to think bottled emotions and repressed trauma played a part in saving my life.
Fight, fight, or freeze.
PTSD’s favorite F words.
Many with PTSD face unconscious cycles of these F words, sometimes hundreds of times daily. Once triggered, the brain picks one of those F words, and the body takes over. The rational part of you is no longer in control. The brain is so worried about surviving that it doesn’t have time to check in and ensure things are functioning as they should. Long-term unconscious or repressed stress begins to settle in organs and causes dysfunction and, for some, even disease.
One’s acknowledgment and steadfast commitment to becoming healthy will only take you so far. Sometimes the damage from years of high cortisol levels, high amounts of stress, and mistreatment are irreversible.
Start slow.
Try to meet your body where it is.
Love it.
I would have never taken the time to figure this out. I had too many people to think about. Too many things to worry about. Too many excuses not to put me first. For me, the journey turned into therapy by day, listening to my body by night. Weeks of tears, releasing withheld emotions, learning how to love myself and the body I live in.
Nourish it.
And remember to give yourself grace.
It took years of your body fighting a silent battle, and it can not be fixed with the snap of your fingers.
Another monumental task for people who struggle with PTSD is restorative sleep. PTSD is a fickle demon. It took months of sleepless nights to realize I was reliving all my trauma while I slept. My brain would wake exhausted, and I had no explanation.
When we sleep, our brains try to process the events from the day. For some, it is how they dream. Yet, for others, those dreams are repressed traumatic memories that are dying to get out. The brain doesn’t understand you are now safe. The body still reacts like the trauma is happening all over again. You wake frozen, covered in sweat, feeling like you just finished a marathon.
When your body does get genuine restorative sleep, it can start to heal itself.
Pretty impressive, huh?
I’m not saying people can cure all their ailments with sleep. But with PTSD, the body rarely gets the ability to rest. To feel safe. It is always on alert.
The rest and digest stage is crucial to all living things, it allows your cells to nourish themselves and gives the body the ability to start to relax and return to homeostasis.
Listen: Your heart will still try to keep beating no matter how many times it has been broke.
Think of all the times you told yourself, “I can’t do this.” Or “How am I going to get through this?” Look at you. You are still here! Taking in precious air and making other people smile. You are crushing it. If you don’t feel like you are living up to your fullest potential, start today. Begin with treating yourself like the diamond in the rough that you are. Think of how beautifully they shine after being put under all that pressure.
I believe therapy is the most crucial and necessary part of one’s healing journey, whether individual or group. When you can be validated, you start to retrain your brain to look at all your achievements and realize you did what you needed to, to survive.
I always said and felt that I was never good enough. I wasn’t a good enough mother, wife, coach, family member, or friend. Now, after having this time, being forced to be separated from the life I had built, has given me so much clarity in every interaction or situation I have been a part of. I wasn’t perfect, I made mistakes, but my children know I love them fiercely. I now see that they believe it. I know they are going to be great people.
Therapy was incredible once I fully submitted and allowed others to help me.
All I ever wanted was to find the root cause of the debilitating fear, the anger and to get myself back.
It’s hard stuff.
It took me a good week to stop being angry at the world around me to see what and who the real problem was.
I had to hit rock bottom, realize who I am, what I am made of, and rebuild.
The hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve done to this point.
Rebuilding your life as you once dreamed it could be is a weird sense of power and confusion.
Forgive yourself.
Wake up each day and lead with positive thoughts and great thanks for being alive.
Find yourself a therapist—a good one.
Don’t be afraid to put them through the interview process. A therapist should give you the ability to word vomit all your deep dark thoughts and support you while you take the time to process each memory; painstakingly if need be. Allow yourself to go slow. Remember the tortoise and the hare ‘Slow and steady wins the race.’
I have learned on this path to ask for help and let people help you.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak.
One of my most significant flaws is seeing the good in people and assuming that is who they are.
There are a lot of wolves in sheep’s clothing, please be careful.
Through this process, I’ve also learned it’s ok to let those negative toxic people from your life go. You will be ok, and life does go on without them. Stop letting other people’s thoughts or feelings cause you to feel like less of a person.
You have incredible value.
Focus on getting a complete 8-9 hrs of sleep most nights.
Get daily physical activity. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face. Find and explore your passions. The things that make you giddy. Live life with experiences and surround yourself with people who set your soul on fire.
PTSD is the mind playing tricks on you. No two people have the same reactions. There are specific diagnostic circumstances but not a single specific operating procedure. It takes time, patience, and much self-reflection and research.
Once you learn that feeling of being triggered, the flight, fright, or freeze, you become hyper-vigilant about those triggers. Being triggered becomes a mental game of chess to trick your brain out of having one of those adverse responses and begin to recognize you are no longer under attack. You have to be in control.
It can be exhausting.
Yet we all have the hard-wired ability to achieve it.
The brain is truly remarkable. There are hundreds if not thousands of survivors that are proof it is entirely possible to create new responses to things that once triggered you. You can retrain the way the brain responds in any given situation. It does take time, understanding, and a lot of work. You will fail. It’s ok. Reevaluate, get back up, and keep going. I’m not here to sugarcoat it and make you think you can heal in days or weeks. For many, it took years of trauma and stress to find the courage to seek help finally. If you commit, surround yourself with the proper support and allow yourself to feel all those scary feelings. You will come out stronger, more resilient, and with a whole new outlook on every interaction you walk into. You may even start to feel confident and comfortable in your skin.
You are brave.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You can achieve greatness.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that even though PTSD changes our brain chemistry and causes our brains to think differently, to feel emotions with more energy. We are not broken, unlovable, or less. Those changes must be looked at as tho they are positive repercussions from our past. They can cause you to have more empathy for others, and that isn’t always a bad thing.
We don’t know what people are dealing with on the inside.
Our past experiences allow us to grow, learn, and create a new life daily. Go into interactions and situations with those around you with the best intentions.
Lead with love.
Don’t be afraid to let people see the incredible person you are.
Girl, I am so darn proud of you. You have walked through the valley of darkness and the desert of disparities and still made it out with a smile on your face and love in your heart. You need to use the voice the lord has given you and tell your story. Keep evolving. Never settle for less than your best self. Keep seeking the truth, and keep living true to who you want to become. Keep loving those around you with that vast unconditional heart of yours. Always let love light the way. Remember, you are and always have been worth it. You are a joy and an inspiration to others. You are here for a divine purpose, even if you don’t always understand what that may be. Little miss, You Are Enough.
You have been incredibly blessed to have been entrusted with and raised incredible little unique humans that by the grace of god call you momma. They embody the best parts of you and this will help them remain grounded in their life trials. You have loved them in such a way that they know how to love with all their heart. It’s because you showed them they were the essential things in your world. Remember all the laughs. The hugs. Those moments when everything felt right in the world because you were all together and truly happy. Family time is the absolute best time. Those quiet times started you on your healing journey, and those moments proved to your heart that true love exists and that you were fully capable of creating it.
Don’t ever forget the hard times. The times when the world’s weight felt too heavy to bear, and all you wanted to do was disappear. Remember your love for running and how it felt to cross the finish line. Always ensure you are running towards your goals, never away from anything. You are so much stronger than you think. Keep reaching for the sky because even if you fail my dear, you will always land among the stars.
Make sure you are taking care of your body, and it will carry you through anything this life has to throw at you. Swing for the fence you can achieve anything you set your sights on.
Self love is not selfish.
You deserve better than mediocre.
I repeat NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS. You have to take the time to nourish your mind, body, and soul. This time will refresh you when the world gets too heavy. Run, stretch, and get some sun on your face. Put your toes in the grass or, better yet, the sand. Breathe deep in the fresh air, slow down, and notice the miraculous heart beating in your chest.
Keep searching until you find your magic. You are deserving of unwavering love and loyalty. A love that finds and completes the other half of your soul. Your very own fairy tale with a happily ever after. Allow the universe to guide people in and out of your life. Those who enter will stay for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. They will always have a lesson to teach you, so be ready. Don’t be scared to open up to others and allow your light to shine. You have exceptional gifts to offer this world; share them.
Keep going, no matter how hard it seems. If your past is any indication, you have the power to conquer anything that comes your way. Bad days will happen; use those as lessons to guide you to becoming the best version of who you have always meant to be.
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
Photo Credit: LHJ
Over the last year, I have made several small daily changes to become who I have always wanted to be. The best version of myself that has been hidden from the world. No longer will I fit into the pretty little box I’ve stood in since childhood? No longer will I ‘Sit still and look pretty’. Hell no! I will Be loud, proud and experience my life to the fullest every single day.
Writing has always been a passion of mine. Writing has given me peace in the most turbulent times. Honestly, it saved my life many times during my childhood and teenage years. I am both scared and extremely excited to share this life’s journey with others. Sharing my voice has always given me anxiety. I was conditioned as a child to be seen and not heard. I have recently learned that I am not alone in many of my life experiences, and the simple act of validating others’ feelings and life experiences can help heal your inner wounds. Finding the strength to publish pieces of my living portfolio for others hasn’t been easy. Many a tearful night worrying what the response would be. I have never given myself the ability to express my thoughts and feelings so openly or freely due to a deep seeded fear of abandonment and rejection. Instead, I would write in private, locking those words away from the world. I have recently learned that fear only keeps us from becoming the most authentic version of who we are.
Most recently, writing has given me an inner sense of needed strength. An extraordinary new power and determination in times when life has had me standing on the edge of darkness. It has taken me thirty years and an abundance of work in therapy, to finally allow others to know the most authentic version of me.
My one positive change is writing it out. allowing myself to process each day in my own words, sitting and being one with my thoughts. Like an artist, I find myself painting a picture of hope for those who are also struggling every day just like me to look perfect to the outside world. I’ll let you in on a little secret, we are all messy, and that is what makes us truly beautiful.
Throughout these posts, I will share traumatic memories, twilight zone life experiences, unconditional love, and a new sense of self that I am starting to uncover. Join me on this wonderful journey of self-discovery, healing, and deep understanding of one’s self. I hope you can walk away with the understanding that you are not alone, your life is what you make of it, and please don’t let others write your story. Take control and be the author of the memoir that is your spectacular life.
Roar louder than your demons 